MASTURBATION: RIGHT OR WRONG?

I’ve been collecting the information for this page over the past 5 years. I’ve drawn from a combination of sources, including the Bible, my experience as a former sex addict and correspondence with thousands of people involved in various stages of sex addiction. I honestly have not found one long term benefit of masturbation, yet plenty of reasons to refrain from it.
Regardless of whether you are a Christian or not, I encourage you to thoughtfully consider the below points about masturbation and how it affects us.
For those people taking our Freedom from Masturbation study, the below points should help bolster your desire and commitment to seek freedom from the habit.
Non-spiritual points about masturbation:Masturbation is addictive! I encourage anyone who doubts masturbation is addictive to see how many weeks or months they can go without masturbating.
As with drug addiction, masturbation requires an increasing amount of stimulus to achieve the same level of pleasure. This often leads people into searching for more and more sources of things to lust after to feed their craving for masturbation (ex. porn). Left unchecked, this progression can result in debt, sexual crimes, perversions and other harmful effects.
Masturbation conditions our bodies to respond to self-stimulation, which is self-centered. This damages our ability to relate to another person sexually. Sex is a relational experience, where we give attention to another person’s needs at least as much as to our own. If we’ve been serving our own desires habitually, we may find it difficult to give our partner the attention he or she deserves.
Masturbation conditions our bodies to respond to fantasy more than reality: Sexual arousal causes powerful hormones to be released that cause emotional bonding between the person and the stimuli. The hormones reinforce the thought patterns and memory associated with the stimuli. The result is that we become sexually oriented toward whatever we’ve been looking at/experiencing when we’ve been masturbating.
For example, a married man who has been masturbating to pictures of blond women may find it hard to get excited about his brunette wife. This could ultimately lead him to seek a sexual experience mirroring his fantasies outside his marriage.
The truth is that reality and fantasy rarely match up. For example, porn usually features people with perfect bodies who tirelessly pursue sexual adventure. Real people don’t typically function like that, and often the acts depicted in porn aren’t as enjoyable as they may look. People who continue to load their minds with these fantasies will inevitably start to believe they are true.
For example, a man who has been masturbating to pictures of sadomasochism may start to believe that women enjoy being beaten up during sex. When his wife refuses to help him act out his sado-fantasy, he could become belligerent. He may even try to force her to do it anyway, believing the lie that once she experiences it she will like it.
Masturbation causes sexual imbalance: Masturbation stirs up our sexual emotions and trains our bodies to seek a sexual release more frequently than normal. Sex is an important part of many people’s lives; however, common sense tells us that there should be a balance between sex and the other activities in our lives. Masturbation disrupts that balance by training our bodies to expect gratification more frequently than normal. The reality is that most of us don’t have time and/or opportunity to be having sex 3 or 4 times a day. The imbalance between reality and fantasy can likely drive an addict further into a masturbation habit.
The imbalance caused by masturbation addiction will affect other areas of our lives by diverting energy, time and resources into sexual fantasy. For example, here’s a typical scenario we read about often in email: A man stays up late each night to surf for porn to masturbate to. His job performance suffers because he can’t stay awake, his family life sours because he’s grouchy, his wife is alienated from him by his lack of affection and interest in her, and his debt increases because of the credit card charges from the porn sites he’s visiting to feed his habit.
The people most likely to suffer from the imbalance are people who don’t have a regular provision for sexual intimacy (ex. teens, singles, divorcées, and widowers). Ironically, these are the same people that may be strongly tempted to indulge in porn and masturbation. If they wet their appetite by
indulging, chances are that they could easily get hooked in the addictive cycle that the imbalance creates.
Spiritual points about masturbation:Masturbation causes you to be “mastered” by sin: The Bible says that there are only two things that we can be a slave to: sin or righteousness. There are no other masters. Paul wrote, “Do you not know that if you yield yourselves to any one as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness?” (Romans 6:16 NKJV).
Which master does masturbation bring us under?
In almost every case, it is used to complement lust and the Bible identifies lust as sin in several places. For example, Jesus said in Matthew 5:28, “But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” When you consider that masturbation usually includes thinking about what it would be like to have sex with someone (i.e. lusting) while simulating the physical feeling, its easy to see that it brings us under the master of sin.
God does not want people to be mastered by sin.
For example, he told Cain, “If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it” (Genesis 4:7 NKJV). Cain let sin rule him by murdering his brother Abel. His life was drastically affected. He lost his job, his peace, his home, and his blessing and spent the rest of his days as a “restless wanderer” (Genesis 4:12). Likewise, we have the same opportunity to choose our master. If we choose sin as our master, our life will bear the fruit that sin brings - i.e. destruction, sorrow, dissatisfaction, death, etc.. If we choose righteousness as our master, we will reap life!
Paul wrote: 20When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:20-23 NIV
Masturbation uses your body as an instrument for sin: Your body is to be presented and used as an instrument for righteousness (not sin). Paul wrote, “Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts. And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God” (Romans 6:12-13 NKJV).
God can best use us when we keep our “vessels” (body, soul & spirit) free of sin. Paul wrote: “In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble. If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work. Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:20-22 NIV).
Our responsibility is to cleanse ourselves from sinful motives and purposes. Masturbation is the exact opposite of fleeing evil desires because it involves setting our minds on the evil desires and simulating the sexual act with our bodies. In so doing, we are hindering the usefulness of our vessels for God.
Masturbation defiles God’s temple and grieves the Holy Spirit: As believers in Jesus Christ, we are one with God’s Spirit, who lives in our bodies. Our bodies are literally temples of God since the Holy Spirit lives in us. Sexual sin is uniquely harmful in that it damages this special union we have with God. Paul alluded to this by writing that sexual sin is sinning against our own bodies (1 Corinthians 6:18). He even compared it to trying to unite Jesus with a prostitute (1 Corinthians 6:15-16). Since masturbation is a form of sexual sin (via lust and sexual idolatry), it will likewise damage our relationship with God and defile his temple (our bodies).
God’s command to the Christian is to “honor God with your body,” (1 Corinthians 6:20 NIV) which is a form of spiritual worship that we do physically. Romans 12:1-2 NIV states, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is--his
good, pleasing and perfect will.”
Masturbation reinforces “carnal mindedness”: Paul wrote, “Live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want” (Galatians 5:16-17 NIV). Masturbation sets our minds on gratifying our sinful desires and in so doing we become “carnally minded.” Carnal mindedness destroys our life and peace and keeps us from pleasing God. Paul wrote, “For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God” (Romans 8:5-8 NKJV).
Masturbation brings you into deception and corruption: Masturbation opens the door to the deceiving influences of lust. Paul wrote about this deceit in Ephesians 4:22-24 NKJV: “put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.”
Continuing to embrace lust through masturbation will therefore hinder any progress we want to make in becoming the “new man” God created us to be. Our repeated practice of lust through masturbation will also bring about a “hardening” of our spiritual heart toward God (Hebrews 3:13). This could ultimately cause us to turn away from God completely.
Concluding CommentsOverall, masturbation can rob you of many of the blessings God has planned for your life. If you are a Christian, you have an obligation, not to live focused on fulfilling your fleshly lusts, but rather, to live focused on fulfilling the desires of the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:12-13). Masturbation poses the threat of lifelong bondage and a handicapped spiritual walk. Jesus was resurrected so that you also could live in a new life, free from the slavery of sin.
Roots of Masturbation Previous page: Masturbation: Right or Wrong?Note: As you go through this page, feel free to print it, write on it and use it as a study guide. Masturbation is usually an outer manifestation of an inner problem. We can use an agricultural analogy to illustrate. Consider the masturbation habit as
a weed and its underlying causes as the weed’s roots. Weeds tend to have robust roots. If you want to remove the weed, you must remove the root as well, or the weed will grow back. Likewise, if we want to permanently stop the masturbation habit, we’ll need to find and remove its roots.
Step 1: Ask God to help you answer the question, “Why am I masturbating?” A simple prayer for this could be:
“Heavenly Father, I invite you to help me discover the reasons for why I have been masturbating. Please reveal the truth to me through the Holy Spirit as I am able to deal with it. In the name of Jesus Christ, I command any voice that is not of God to be silent now. I speak the peace of Christ to my mind, spirit and body. Thank you, Father, In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”
Following this prayer, it would be helpful to spend time listening for the Holy Spirit, writing down any thoughts that come up, and thanking God for whatever he reveals.
Some common reasons for masturbation we’ve seen include:
􀀀 Medicate pain of rejection, abuse, poor self-esteem, etc. 􀀀 Medicate frustration or stress 􀀀 Love of pleasure 􀀀 Self-pity 􀀀 Independence / self-sufficiency 􀀀 Complement a porn habit 􀀀 “Safe” sex / trying to maintain physical virginity 􀀀 “Healthy release” of sexual tension 􀀀 Impatience: Unwilling to wait on God for sexual provision
My former masturbation habit was based on many of the above reasons, and it’s quite possible that it’s a combination of reasons for you as well.
Reasons for my habit: ____________________________________(list as appropriate for you)
Step 2: Identify the associated rootsOnce we know the surface reasons for our habit, we can then seek to uncover the root causes of those reasons. Again, we should invite God to guide us in
discovering the roots.
A sample prayer for this could be:
“Lord, please help me understand the root causes behind the reasons for my habit. Please help me to see the truth. Thank you, Father! Amen.”
Roots usually begin with an experience that disrupts our healthy physical, emotional or spiritual development. If we respond to that experience in unhealthy (i.e. sinful) ways, it will cause the root to grow. There are so many possible scenarios of how these roots can get started, that it’s impossible to cover them all here.
By sharing some of the roots we’ve seen, we hope to help you uncover the roots under your habit.
Generally, the roots involve sin that we committed or that someone committed against us. Here are some examples of roots linked to masturbation:
􀀀 Trauma /violence/abuse/molestation
􀀀 Rejection (ex. unloved by parents, being made fun of by peers, abuse, getting dumped by girlfriend or boyfriend, etc.
) 􀀀 Generational influences
􀀀 Unforgiveness (including bitterness, resentment, grudges, etc.)
􀀀 Occult activity
􀀀 Sexual sin
􀀀 Pride (“I can do it myself,” or “I don’t need anyone,” or “I don’t need God,” etc...)
􀀀 Lust / sexual idolatry
􀀀 Soul ties
􀀀 Homosexual activity and other perversions (bestiality, group sex, fetishes, etc.)
Take some time to think through your life starting from as far back as you can remember and look for indications of starting points for roots such as those listed above. Let God’s Spirit lead you as you do this. I’ve listed some typical life periods below where roots are often started. Be sure to write down anyroots that the Lord shows you as you do this.
Early childhood (0-3):__________________________________
Pre-school (3-6): _____________________________________
Grade School (7-12): __________________________________
Teens (13-19): _______________________________________
Career/College/Marriage/etc. (20-40):_________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Other: ______________________________________________
Here is an example of how these roots can get started and grow in our lives:
A father continually berates his 7 yr old son for his poor aptitude for sports. The father is unable to see any value in his son’s love for music, art and drama. Those activities “are for sissies,” according to the father. The son is emotionally wounded by his father’s rejection and this becomes the starting point of a “root of rejection.”
The father continues to express his disapproval with his son’s preferences. The boy begins to believe that he can do no right in his father’s eyes and that he’ll never amount to anything. As the boy grows into adolescence, he responds to the pain of rejection by being reclusive and rebellious. When a
friend introduces him to pornography and masturbation, the boy discovers a pleasure he never knew before. The intimate images of porn offer him the acceptance and love he’s always longed for. It doesn’t matter to him that the porn is based on fantasy - he’ll take any love and acceptance he can get. Finding solace in masturbation, he soon finds himself addicted to it.
Step 3: Remove the roots
The importance of removing the roots cannot be underestimated. Not only do root fragments grow new weeds, but they also release “spiritual poison” that damages us. Moses mentioned this fact in Deuteronomy 29:18 NIV:
“Make sure there is no man or woman, clan or tribe among you today whose heart turns away from the LORD our God to go and worship the gods of those nations; make sure there is no root among you that produces such bitter poison.”
In the Israelites’ case, idolatry was the root that produced the poison of spiritual confusion. Masturbation’s roots produce poisons such as sexually-charged memories, selfishness, lust, perversion, numbed conscience and damaged relational skills. The longer we allow the root to remain in us, the deeper the damage that we’ll have to recover from.
Since there are so many possible roots, we will give you some general suggestions to help you discover your roots. From there you will have to seek God’s guidance on the specifics for your situation.
It is possible that you may encounter resistance as you go into the areas of the roots. The resistance may indicate the presence of evil spirits/demons associated with the root. Manifestations of this resistance can widely vary. Some examples could include: hot flashes, difficulty speaking, difficulty breathing, uncontrollable thoughts, uncontrollable bodily movement, rage, physical pain and the mind “blanking out.”
We share this not to cause fear, but simply to prepare you in advance for what you may experience. If the devil has you in bondage, he will be reluctant to let you go. No matter what happens, know that the Lord Jesus is with you and lives in you and is greater than any power of the devil. If any such manifestations occur, you can take authority over them in the name of Jesus Christ and command them to stop. An example statement you can make is, “In the name of Jesus Christ, I command the evil spirit causing this
manifestation to stop. I am saved by the blood of Jesus and I have authority over you. Release me right now.” At that point you should be able to proceed. If not, you may want to obtain help from a trusted group of believers who will help you pray and work through the root area. It may be that you will need “deliverance ministry” to completely deal with that area.
We encourage you to be patient as you go through the different areas of your roots. This can often take time to deal with. Don’t allow the devil to convince you to give up. Keep at it persistently as the Lord directs you. Don’t settle for the lie “I’ll never be free.”
A. Start with Prayer: Prayer plugs us into God’s power supply. He has the power to work the impossible. Jesus said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26 NIV). As you pray, believe in your heart that God’s power is going to make the difference. Believe that he is hearing your prayer and will respond. Your faith completes the “circuit” of God’s power in your life.
Sample Prayer: “Father God, I thank you for loving me and dying for me. Thank you for being with me right now. Please help me remove the roots of my addiction completely. Please guide me and protect me from the evil one. I believe in the freedom that is mine through Jesus Christ. Please help me in any unbelief I may have. Thank you, Father.”
B. Confession, Repentance and Release: In this step we take responsibility for our sin involved with the masturbation and its roots. We repent from the sin by turning away from it and no longer embracing it. Finally, we must release any unhealthy attitudes we have clung to.
􀀀 Confess and repent from the sin involved with your masturbation habit: These typically are lust, sexual idolatry, love of pleasure, and pride in self-provision. Example prayer: “Heavenly Father, I confess that I have idolized sex in my mind and dwelled on lustful thoughts. I confess that I have imagined myself committing sexual sin while masturbating. I confess that I have turned to my own provision for sex and have not waited for your best for my sexuality. I repent from all of these activities and renounce my tolerance of these sins in my life. Thank you for forgiving me through the blood of Jesus! I receive that forgiveness in Jesus’ name, Amen.”
􀀀 Confess and repent from the sin you committed in each root area: Taking the roots you wrote down in the above section, now confess the specific sins involved that you committed. If you are not sure about the sins involved, ask the Holy Spirit to help you identify the sins involved. Here are some examples of the possible sins involved with certain roots:
Root Examples of possible sins involved
Trauma fear, rage, violent behavior, unforgiveness
Rejection unforgiveness, rebellion, perversion
Occult activity pride, lust for power, trying to control others (witchcraft)
Sexual sin lust, sexual idolatry, love of pleasure, pride
Soul ties Cherishing sin memories
Homosexuality Rebellion, unforgiveness, lust, hatred of man/woman
Example prayer for confession and repentance:
“Heavenly Father, I confess that I have sinned in the following ways: ______
____________________________________________________________________.
Please forgive me for these sins. I turn from them now and shut the door on them. I seal the door with the blood of Jesus Christ. I renounce my activities associated with these sins. I recommit myself to you, Lord, body, soul and spirit.”
􀀀 Release anything we are holding on to related to the former roots that are a stumbling block for sin. Examples include unforgiveness, cherished sin memories, anger, hatred, malice and the desire for revenge. These attitudes will continue to poison our mind and emotions until we release them to God.
Unforgiveness and cherished sin memories are common with sex addicts. To release unforgiveness, we must forgive the people involved (with Jesus’ help). For the cherished sin memories, we must surrender the memories to God and restrain our thoughts from fantasizing over the memories.
Example prayer of release: “Father, I release these sinful attitudes and/or cherished memories to you right now.
Specifically, I release ______________ (list your specific items). Please take them from me and cleanse me with the blood of Jesus from any residue or poison they have left in me. I forgive the people who have done evil to me:_______________ (list them).
Please fill me afresh with your Holy Spirit now and replace any former areas of sinful attitudes with love, joy, peace, kindness, patience, self-control, goodness, faithfulness and gentleness. Thank you, Father.”
C. Pray for healing: This final activity is where we invite God to complete the emotional, physical and spiritual healing in us that our confession and repentance has cleared the way for. 1 John 1:9 NKJV says, “If we confess our sins He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Also, James 5:15 NIV says, “And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.”
God will purify us, heal us, raise us up and forgive us when we’ve confessed our sin and prayed in faith for healing of our addiction. Praying for healing is not rocket science. Remember that it is the Lord who will do the healing and all you need to do is to ask and believe that he will do so. You don’t have to pray an elaborate prayer to receive results. You simply need to be sincere and prepared to back up your healing by obedience in the respective area.
Some activities that will help you get into the right mindset for praying for healing include:
􀀀 Spend time in praise and worship prior to praying
􀀀 Review and recite scriptures on healing during your prayer times and throughout the day to boost your faith level
􀀀 Allow God time to respond during your prayer, i.e. don’t talk the whole time! Prayer is a conversation with God, so take time to listen and reflect on God’s word.
􀀀 Allow plenty of time for your prayer, so that you are not rushed
􀀀 Pray intermittently in tongues as the Lord leads you
􀀀 Remember to thank the Lord for the healing he has and will do in you
􀀀 More on prayer: Prayer Basics
Here are some example prayer excerpts addressing typical root issues:
􀀀 Removal of any remaining roots: “Lord, I pray that you will complete the root removal process that I have started. If there is any that I have missed, please reveal it to me and help me remove it. “
􀀀 Revelation of any unconfessed sin associated with your former addiction: “Lord, please shine the light of your truth in me, especially in any dark areas of sin that I have not confessed. Please help me recognize my sin for what it is.”
􀀀 Restoration of healthy sexual desire and function: “Lord, please heal my sexuality and redirect my sex drive to normal function as you originally designed it.” And, if married: “Please restore a healthy, loving sexual desire in me for my spouse and in my spouse for me.”
􀀀 Cleansing/healing of memories of sexual sin or abuse: “Lord, please wash my mind and conscience with the blood of Jesus. Please cleanse my mind from the dead works of sin that I have done.”
􀀀 Breaking of soul ties developed through sex sin, pornography or abuse: “Lord, please cut any unhealthy soul ties that I have developed with pornography, fetishes, sex partners, family members and anyone else. I apply the blood of Jesus to each unhealthy soul tie I have developed. By faith I declare those soul ties broken in Jesus’ name. Father, please restore
me to wholeness - body, soul and spirit. Please restore those persons I have been tied to as well. “
􀀀 Destruction of the altar of sexual idolatry in our mind: “Lord please help me destroy the altar of sexual idolatry in my mind. I renounce the use of my thoughts for worshipping and lusting about sex. I have the mind of Christ and I take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”
􀀀 Deliverance from any evil spirits that continue to oppress you: “Lord Jesus, please free me from any remaining evil spirits that continue to torment me. Please reveal any remaining footholds that they may have in me, so that I may repent.” (see deliverance study for more help) We encourage you to pray for healing in those and any other areas the Lord reveals to you.
It may also help to have some trusted friends in the Lord pray with you in faith for healing. Some roots take more prayer sessions than others to heal from, so be patient and persistent. For example, I periodically pray for continued healing and cleansing of my memories of sexual sin even many years after being porn-free. It can take time to restore the mind to health and wash away the evil things we’ve allowed in to it.
Masturbation Recovery Previous page: Masturbation RootsAfter removing the roots and praying for healing, now we must take actions to “secure the beachhead” of freedom that we have established. We must take steps to fortify our faith and break the old trigger patterns.
Fortify your faithWe can count on the devil testing us to see if we are in fact free. He typically uses a two-prong attack: he starts with lies to cause doubt and then follows with temptations. If we believe the enemy’s lies, our critical piece of spiritual armor, the shield of faith, is weakened. Paul wrote that we can use the shield of faith to “extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one” (Ephesians 6:16 NIV). If our faith is weakened by doubt, then the flaming arrows will get through and we’ll be likely to fall to temptations.
To neutralize an attack on our faith, we must recall the truth that destroys the lies. This is why it is crucial that we get into the Bible at least once a day (typically in a “quiet time”) and start familiarizing ourselves with the
truth that sets us free (John 8:31-32). If you don’t know the truth, you’ll be susceptible to the enemy’s distortion of it.
To maximize our battle readiness, we can memorize key scriptures. Such effort will pay off in the long run. I’ve discovered first hand that scripture memory increases my effectiveness on the spiritual battlefield.
During my daily quiet time, I simply write out the verses that are meaningful to me on 3 x 5 note cards and review them periodically until I have them memorized. When the enemy hits me with lies trying to weaken my faith, I can respond by reciting the memory verses that apply. Jesus demonstrated this defense strategy when he faced Satan in the wilderness temptations (Luke 4). To every temptation Jesus responded by quoting the applicable scriptures that diffused the lies.
Here are some common lies the devil uses against recovering sex addicts and sample scriptures that refute them:
􀀀 “You haven’t changed...you’re not really free...it’s just a matter of time before you fall” (2 Corinthians 5:17; John 1:12-13) 􀀀 “God doesn’t care about you and he won’t provide for your sexual needs and desires” (1 Peter 2:24; Matthew 6:33) 􀀀 “It’s impossible to live without masturbating” (Galatians 2:20; Matthew 4:4 􀀀 “The Holy Spirit is not really living in you and he won’t help you” (Romans 8:11,13) 􀀀 “God won’t provide a way out of temptation for you” (1 Corinthians 10:13) 􀀀 Other lies
The second part of the enemy’s attack is temptation. If we have believed the lies in the first part of the attack, we’ll be more likely to bite on the temptations in the second part. However, if we have stood firm in our faith, it should be much easier to take “counter-temptation” actions. The word gives us the frame work for these actions, which include:
􀀀 Flee the temptation (2 Timothy 2:22; Genesis 39:6-13) 􀀀 Look for the way out of the temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13) 􀀀 Pray for help (Matthew 26:41; Hebrews 2:18) 􀀀 Take control of your eyes (turn eyes away, shut off temptation source, etc.) (Isaiah 33:15) 􀀀 Arrest sinful thoughts, cast down sinful imaginations/speculations, and
redirect your mind heavenward (2 Corinthians 10:5; Colossians 3:1-2) 􀀀 Use your body as instrument of righteousness and not for sin (Romans 6:11-14)
It will take practice to master these counter-temptation actions, but as you do them, you will find it easier to resist. Identify and break trigger patternsSex addicts often have particular triggers and/or rituals that cause them to “act out” (i.e. masturbate). These will obviously vary from person to person, and usually they will relate in some way to the roots of your former addiction which we examined on the previous page of this study. For example, some of typical triggers for masturbation can be:
􀀀 Stress/Fear/Rejection/Loneliness 􀀀 Taking long showers 􀀀 Watching late night TV with sexual themes 􀀀 People-watching 􀀀 Surfing the internet when alone 􀀀 Thumbing through magazines with sexual themes 􀀀 Looking at porn (obviously) 􀀀 Sensual contact with girlfriend/boyfriend 􀀀 Fetishes 􀀀 Dwelling on sexual memories
Take a moment to ask God to reveal to you what your particular triggers have been for masturbation and write down what he reveals to you:_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________When we respond to a trigger and move toward acting out, we’ll find it’s easy to go back down the old familiar road of temptation and follow through with masturbation. What we need to do is determine a Godly plan of action on how we will now respond to a trigger when we encounter it. For example, here are some possible actions to take regarding the above triggers:
􀀀 Stress/Fear/Rejection/Loneliness: Run to Jesus through prayer on the spot instead of running to masturbation to medicate yourself; remind yourself of key verses that address the trigger (ex. fear (Romans 8:15; 1 Peter 5:7); loneliness (John 14:18; Matthew 28:20); Rejection (Romans 8:
15-16); Stress (1 Peter 5:7))
􀀀 Taking long showers: Take “navy showers,” i.e. get the scrubbing done and get out; if you have to, make the water mix colder than normal; play a praise and worship CD in the background to get your thoughts focused heavenward
􀀀 Watching late night TV with sexual themes: Set an early time you will turn the TV off by each night and stick to it. Use the time you would have spent watching TV to do something meaningful (spend time with family, pray, worship, read the Bible, etc.).
􀀀 People-watching: Take control of your eyes and force them to stop looking at the people you know are causing you to lust. For example, if teenage blondes cause you to lust, then choose to look the other way when you notice one coming your way. Don’t let your gaze dwell on the temptation! (see control eyes for more)
􀀀 Surfing the internet when alone: Don’t get on the computer unless someone is there nearby. If you know you’ll be home alone, don’t even turn the computer on. Plan something to do in place of surfing the net.
􀀀 Thumbing through magazines with sexual themes: Avoid the magazine stand or wherever you are looking at the magazines. If the magazines are not your own, consider asking the owner for help in restricting your exposure to them. For example, if your roommate’s porn collection is causing you to fall, you could ask him/her to lock it up or password protect it.
􀀀 Looking at porn: Stopping your porn viewing is an obvious move, but it is seldom easy. Do whatever drastic measures you can to stop the input of porn images. This will always help you stop masturbating.
􀀀 Sensual contact with girlfriend/boyfriend: Ask your friend to help you by joining you in committing your relationship and activities to God. Agree in prayer together to not cross the boundaries that will cause sexual arousal. (ex. long kissing, sleeping together, heavy petting, mutual masturbation, etc. ) Taking such action will force you to prove that your love for God is more important than sexual gratification and affection.
􀀀 Fetishes: Confess your idolatry and pray that God will cut you free from the unhealthy attachment you have to the fetishes. Also, ask the Lord to break any demonic power involved with the fetish and the hold it may have on you. Force your mind and eyes off any fetish-related thing that causes you to fantasize.
􀀀 Dwelling on sexual memories: Whenever you catch yourself reminiscing about your sexual memories, start pleading the “blood of Jesus” over the memory. Follow this by forcing your thoughts onto a wholesome topic (see thoughts).
Now, for your particular triggers from the previous section, brainstorm on actions you can take to break the pattern for each one and write them down below:
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
Take a moment to declare to yourself and the Lord in faith that you have the power to choose differently and break the patterns that have plagued you in the past. You can pray:“Heavenly Father, I am a new creation in Christ and the life that I live now I live by faith in God, who loved me and gave himself up for me. The Holy Spirit lives in me and is strengthening me now to live as the truly changed person that I am in Christ. I have the power through Christ who strengthens me to break my old trigger patterns of masturbation.
I commit myself to breaking the trigger patterns. Father, please strengthen my conviction to arrest any trigger that I may encounter. Please sharpen my conscience and my passion for purity. Thank you, Father! In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”
Finally, back up the commitment you just made by sharing it with a trusted friend, accountability partner or pastor who will agree with you in prayer and encourage you in keeping your commitment over the coming months.

LET GO

“Holding on to pain, hurt, anger, and disappointment manifests itself in
our bodies. The end result runs the gamut from chronic illnesses to life
threatening diseases. Sooner or later, our baggage causes our bodies to
give out.
When we spend our time focusing on negative people and negative
experiences, we end up missing opportunities and blocking our blessings.
We can’t see the future because we’re too busy living in the past.
Meanwhile our perpetrators go on living their lives; oblivious to the hurt
they’ve caused. So why are we really hurting? How many relationships
have come together on crutches?
Most women know they have no business getting involved when there are
unresolved issues within. Still, due to fear of being alone, or of ‘missing out’
on a good man, we cover our wounds with tight hairdos, beautiful clothes,
and a fake smile. Forging ahead into an alliance with someone who has no
idea we’re still hurting over what that so-and-so did to us in 1995, or over
the father that never came home. As time passes, the wounds get harder
and harder to hide.
When they’re finally exposed, he is history! In the grand scheme of things,
the only thing that is stopping us is us! True, we have no control over what
others do or say to us, but we can control our reactions. And as for the
baggage, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
We all have issues. The shame is not in having baggage, it’s KEEPING it.
So to all my Bag friends, search yourself. Be honest. Ask yourself
What’s in your bag, and then do whatever you got to do.
PRAY,CRY,SCREAM,GO TO CHURCH, GO TO THERAPY... Do whatever it
takes. Just let it go. Let it go, let it go!

HOW CHANGE HAPPENS

Think about change in your own life…a new job… baby… new home… major
loss… a new government. Sociologists tell us life is a cycle of transitions.
They are occurring faster and faster. Understanding how change happens
helps us confront fear, uncertainty and doubt in change. Know change
happens in stages. Further, the stages are normal.
When we are faced with major change expect our first reaction to be denial.
We will rationalize, look back at the good old days and refuse to hear new
information. We will resist, feel angry and frustrated. We will blame others,
complain, and begin to doubt our ability. As we adjust to the change, we
begin to explore. We may have trouble with focus and decision-making. But,
slowly we look for answers and see new possibilities. Finally, we become
committed to the change. We cooperate, feel balance, participate in team
work and feel focused again.
Also we see from the Bible that Abraham had to undergo a great change of
his life style when he was told by God to move out his own land to a land that
the Lord was to show him. This was such a big change for him but he had no
choice but to adapt to it.
Change is a fact of life.
You can’t stop it. But you don’t have to drown in it. The Bible declares in
Isaiah 43:18-19”Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the
thing of old. Behold I will do anew thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not
know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert”. So
it is important to know that God is also a master of change. He abolishes the
old to establish the new.
So know yourself, learn specific coping skills to help you navigate, and
develop a positive attitude. Then, no matter what’s changing at work or home,
you can better cope with the changes confidently. Change often means loss.
We all must detach from the familiar, and reattach to the new. Many of us
get stuck along the way, even when we choose the change. Healthy coping
means dealing with losses realistically and letting go of what must be given
up in order to move on.
Some changes occur suddenly. Others build up more gradually. When the
impact hits, you may be in shock, enraged or in a panic. You may feel like
you’re drowning; you may slip back into old, familiar, unproductive habits.
Instead, ask yourself, “What’s at stake?” and “What can I do?” Look at this;
Philippians 4:6-7,”Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and
supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known unto God. And
the peace of God which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts
and minds through Christ Jesus.” So prayer is the answer to the dilemma of
change.
Transition is the longest, most uncomfortable stage. The old is gone; the new
is not yet in sight. This is a time for reflection as well as action. A personal
retreat or repeated brainstorming with people you trust will help you get
clear. But the Bible declares in 1cor 5:17 that the old is gone the new has
come, so one has to really posses and embrace the new by faith even if it is
not there. Philippians 4:8. Change is external and situational.
Change is desired outcome. Conversely, transitions are internal and
psychological. The process of change involves the three transitions:
Letting go is the beginning of change. Before change can occur, we have to
let go of what was. God had to let go His only begotten son to bring a change
on earth.
Once we let go, we enter a second transition called the Neutral Zone. This
is the “gray area” uncomfortable to most of us. Bridges suggests we enter
New Beginnings and the transitions are complete. Like the way Jesus cried
to God “why have you forsaken me”. But the work was done and a lasting
positive change was experienced on earth.
Letting go faster is away to expedite change. Having the right mindset helps.
The people most successful at change are the people who find the opportunity
in change. In that case therefore all those who accepted the change and
believed in the Lord Jesus as their personal savior, they were given the right to
become children of God. Others of course wallowed in rebellion and confusion.
EXPAND YOUR STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH CHANGE
Here are six strategies to help you deal with change:
1) Find your rock…your safe place.
2) Clarify what you want your life to be
3) Stay in touch with your needs.
4) Seek out accurate information. Ask questions. Attend information
sessions. Read outside your field.
5) Define the givens, controllables, and negotiables in the situation.
6) A positive attitude is crucial to adjusting to change successfully. How
you perceive the situation determines how you experience it. It’s easy to
fall into negative ways of seeing difficult experiences.
Reach out.
When you’re feeling low, you may be tempted to keep well-wishers and
friends at arm’s length. You may turn to compulsive behaviours such
as eating, shopping, smoking or working to help ease the tension. But
asking for love, encouragement, honest and caring feedback, or just an
understanding ear can help you get back on course. Reach out to those who
care about you and who can help you see things as positively as possible.
Laugh.
Humor is one of the best stress-relievers going. Take the time to
find the humor in your situation. Humor and worry don’t mix. And
research shows that laughing actually makes people healthier.
Live the wellness way.
Taking good care of your health will help you handle
stressors more successfully. Get exercise and enough rest,
eat a balanced, healthy diet and you’ll be ready for change.
Have a good talk with yourself.
We talk to ourselves all the time -- usually critically. But negative self-talk
makes you feel worse. Instead, notice all the little things you do right.
Make lists of your positive accomplishments and traits and post them
in visible places and know God has a positive plan for you (Jer 29:11).
Rela x and let go.
Successful coping depends on being able to relax and let everything go
from time to time. The body needs to renew itself and recharge. You might try
meditation, visualization, a hot bath, listening to music, or simply sleeping.
If you’re stuck... Get help. If, after trying all the skills suggested here, things
still aren’t working out, don’t give up. Depression is a common, reversible
response to a big change. Many people seek out professional help at times
like this. But the best solution is talk to God through prayer; know that he
created you with a divine purpose (Isaiah 42:6-7).
We are each 100% responsible for ourselves, for our lives and for how
we choose to live. Understand how change happens and expanding our
strategies for dealing with change are ways to position for the future. The
position you and your organization take to address exploding change will
determine your success in future

Foundation, Victory

THE FOUNDATION TO A VICTORIOUS LIFE.
With the opportunity to work as counselor I have had the privilege to talk to people who just need to be victors and not victims to circumstances, people and places. But, one important thing that I believe they forget is that one can be a victim to him/herself. As one of my favorite preachers once said you can run away from people, a place and even circumstances but you can never run away from yourself.
This brings me to my foundation to a victorious life; its YOU! What? Yes, YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL! When I say this it sounds so simple. But what happens when you think you should do something that you are not sure about but you find yourself in a situation you never thought you would be in; for instance:
• In marriage you know you have come too far to give up yet you are not sure if you just need some time apart or a divorce but now you are a divorcee.
• An issue that can affect your life, its your principle never to have sex before marriage, you are not sure if you should visit your girl/boyfriend at his/her place alone, but now you’re pregnant or a father to be and single.
• For a job situation you know you should do what needs to be done because its respect for authority, you are unhappy about your patience, now you are jobless since you quit and the next employer needs a recommendation letter.
• A spiritual issue, your relationship with God, family and other people is very important, you feel you need to study your bible on relationship, now it seems you can’t get along with anyone since your conscience has been seared when it comes to relationships, why? You felt you had no time for bible study.
• It might even be a health condition. Accordingly you have seen a doctor, your sugar situation needs prescribed medication, but you are condemning yourself after munching a bar of chocolate.
Does it sound like you are three people in one, perceiving one thing, deciding on another and doing something totally different? This is because you are a TRI-part being with a:
SPIRIT
This is the part that has the conscience or the inner you and sometimes it’s known as instinct and to others the small still voice or even a gut feeling.
SOUL
This is the part of you that is made up of your
MIND (the thought manufacturer).
WILL (the thought processor or decision maker)
EMOTIONS. (The feelings expresser)
BODY (the external information transmitter through the five senses)
All this is to simplify the process of discovering ‘YOU’. In all the issues of life start working with YOU:
(i)
Rely on your spirit; that inner man, instinct, guts feeling or the still small voice because it’s very important whether born again or not:
􀂾 If born again it’s the part in the human being that dies to GOD when in sin but alive when one is born again and has fellowship with God.
􀂾 For the non believer it’s still the image and likeness of God explaining the universal moral law that governs us whether born again or not. Even someone who has never heard the gospel or even a small baby knows when they are doing wrong.
(ii)
(a) Before doing what you would like to do just take a moment and think about it and even right down your options.
(b)With your options do elimination test and make a decision.
(c)Never forget that it’s important to know how you feel about your decision if there’s any insecurity take more time to think about it.
(iii)
Finally go ahead and do it, maybe you need to hear the other parties issues about your marriage, maybe you need to give someone a hug, or see someone doing their job, or even stop listening, watching or reading pornographic material to overcome that masturbation issue or simply try and taste a sugar free bar of chocolate. My point is; some things can be dealt with by disciplining the external information transmitter called the body, which is controlled by the five senses.
In building a house the foundation is very important. In our lives THE FOUNDATION is YOU(THE PERSON, INDIVIDUAL).Maybe that’s the reason why what we know as verbs which are words describing things you have to put a PRONOUN before them to become active words and they all begin with ‘I’ in their conjugation.
E.g. I WORK
YOU WORK
HE/SHE WORKS
WE WORK
THEY WORK

Dating

What kind of person should you date? It’s in the Bible, II Timothy 2:22,
TLB. “Run from anything that gives you the evil thoughts that young men
often have, but stay close to anything that makes you want to do right.
Have faith and love, and enjoy the companionship of those who love the
Lord and have pure hearts.”
It is unwise to date someone who doesn’t love God. It’s in the Bible, II
Corinthians 6:14-15, TLB. “Don’t be teamed with those who do not love
the Lord, for what do the people of God have in common with the people
of sin? How can light live with darkness? And what harmony can there be
between Christ and the devil? How can a Christian be a partner with one
who doesn’t believe?” Amos 3:3, NKJV says, “Can two walk together,
unless they are agreed?”
Don’t date someone who claims to be a Christian but doesn’t live it. It’s
in the Bible, I Corinthians 5:11, TLB. “What I meant was that you are not
to keep company with anyone who claims to be a brother Christian but
indulges in sexual sins, or is greedy, or is a swindler, or worships idols,
or is a drunkard, or abusive. Don’t even eat lunch with such a person.”
Avoid dating people who have a bad temper. It’s in the Bible, Proverbs
22:24, TLB. “Keep away from angry, short-tempered men, lest you learn
to be like them and endanger your soul.”
Don’t date a lazy Christian. It’s in the Bible, II Thessalonians 3:6, TLB.
“Now here is a command, dear brothers, given in the name of our Lord
Jesus Christ by his authority: Stay away from any Christian who spends
his days in laziness and does not follow the ideal of hard work we set up
for you.”
Inner beauty counts the most. It’s in the Bible, I Peter 3:4, TLB. “Be
beautiful inside, in your hearts, with the lasting charm of a gentle and
quiet spirit that is so precious to God.”
Date someone with a good attitude. It’s in the Bible, Romans 15:5-6, TLB.
“May God who gives patience, steadiness, and encouragement help you
to live in complete harmony with each other—each with the attitude of
Christ toward the other.”
Date someone who encourages you and is supportive. It’s in the Bible,
Philippians 2:1-2, TLB. “Is there any such thing as Christians cheering
each other up? Do you love me enough to want to help me? Does it
mean anything to you that we are brothers in the Lord, sharing the same
Spirit? Are your hearts tender and sympathetic at all? Then make me
truly happy by loving each other, working together with one heart and
mind and purpose.
In a dating relationship don’t be exclusive—care about others too. It’s in
the Bible, Philippians 2:4, TLB. “Don’t just think about your own affairs,
but be interested in others, too, and in what they are doing.”
Let the relationship progress step by step. It’s in the Bible, II Peter 1:6-7,
TLB. “Next, learn to put aside your own desires so that you will become
patient and godly, gladly letting God have his way with you. This will
make possible the next step, which is for you to enjoy other people and
to like them, and finally you will grow to love them deeply.”
What to avoid on dates. It’s in the Bible, Romans 13:13, TLB. “Be decent
and true in everything you do so that all can approve your behavior. Don’t
spend your time in wild parties and getting drunk or in adultery and lust,
or fighting, or jealousy.”
Dating should not include a sexual relationship. It’s in the Bible, I
Corinthians 6:13,18, TLB. “But sexual sin is never right: our bodies were
not made for that, but for the Lord…That is why I say to run from sex sin.
No other sin affects the body as this one does. When you sin this sin it is
against your own body.”
Keep yourself pure. It’s in the Bible, I John 3:3, TLB. “And everyone who
really believes this will try to stay pure because Christ is pure.”
To keep from hurting ourselves, sexual desires and activities must be
placed under Christ’s control. It’s in the Bible, I Thessalonians 4:3-5, TLB.
“For God wants you to be holy and pure and to keep clear of all sexual
sin so that each of you will marry in holiness and honor—not in lustful
passion as the heathen do, in their ignorance of God and his ways.”
If you have already gone too far physically, what should you do?
First, acknowledge your sin. It’s in the Bible, Psalm 51:2-4, TLB. “Oh,
wash me, cleanse me from this guilt. Let me be pure again. For I admit
my shameful deed—it haunts me day and night.”
Second, Ask forgiveness for your sin—God says you can start over again.
It’s in the Bible, Psalm 51:7-12, TLB. “Sprinkle me with the cleansing
blood and I shall be clean again. Wash me and I shall be whiter than
snow. And after You have punished me, give me back my joy again.
Don’t keep looking at my sins—erase them from Your sight. Create in me
a new, clean heart, O God, filled with clean thoughts and right desires.
Don’t toss me aside, banished forever from Your presence. Don’t take
Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me again the joy of Your salvation,
and make me willing to obey You.”
Third, Believe that God has indeed forgiven you and quit feeling guilty.
It’s in the Bible, Psalm 32:1-6, TLB. “What happiness for those whose
guilt has been forgiven! What joys when sins are covered over! What
relief for those who have confessed their sins and God has cleared their
record. There was a time when I wouldn’t admit what a sinner I was. But
my dishonesty made me miserable and filled my days with frustration.
All day and all night Your hand was heavy on me. My strength evaporated
like water on a sunny day until I finally admitted all my sins to You and
stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, ‘I will confess them to the
Lord.’ And You forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
Now I say that each believer should confess his sins to God when he
is aware of them, while there is time to be forgiven. Judgment will not
touch him if he does. You are my hiding place from every storm of life;
You even keep me from getting into trouble! You surround me with songs
of victory.”
God has a mate for you. It’s in the Bible, Genesis 2:18, TLB. “And the
Lord God said, ‘It isn’t good for man to be alone; I will make a companion
for him, a helper suited to his needs.’”
Ask the Lord for a mate. It’s in the Bible, Proverbs 19:14, TLB. “A father
can give his sons homes and riches, but only the Lord can give them
understanding wives.”
God will give you your heart’s desires. It’s in the Bible, Psalm 37:4 and
Matthew 6:8, TLB. “Be delighted with the Lord. Then He will give you all
your heart’s desires.” “Remember, your Father knows exactly what you
need before you ask Him!”
Extracted from bibleinfo.com on 2/1/05

Principles of Marriage

PRINCIPLES of MARRIAGE
Most readers are married or have been married. I mention this fact for two
reasons. First, this article is about the subject of marriage. We’ll have a frank
and honest discussion about marriage from a Biblical standpoint. Secondly,
this article deals with reasons our marriages work and sometimes do not
work. You might want to forgive me now for what I am about to write. It may
address issues in your own marriage relationship. My hope is that this article
will stimulate discussion with your spouse and be an encouragement to you.
Think back for a moment and consider the training and teaching you received
in preparation for marriage. If you were like most, you will agree that there
was no formal training. That is, you didn’t go to college or a technical school
to be trained and certified as a husband or wife. There is no diploma or
certification that qualified us to be married. However, of all the choices we
make in our life time, the selection of our spouse and decisions we make on
how to be a husband or wife, are the most profound and have the most farreaching
implications.
Children (other people) will come from those decisions and the process
continues from generation to generation. In fact, we exist today because of
decisions made by our parents. This brings me to my initial point about the
subject of marriage. Our parents have had a profound impact on us with
regard to marriage. It was our parents that served as our primary teachers
in preparing us for marriage. Just like any training course, the quality of
that training has a direct impact on the success or failure of the endeavor.
But our parents are not the only resource to prepare us for marriage. The
Bible has a lot to say about marriage. In fact, the very institution of marriage
originates from the Bible. Our parents and basic Biblical instruction about
marriage are our primary sources of reference for marriage. But have you
considered the teaching we have concerning marriage given in the Bible?
Let me explain a bit more. Since our parents are our primary examples, have
you considered what our parents in the Bible teach us about marriage?
Which parents am I referring to? Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah,
and Jacob and his wives, Leah and Rachel, have a lot to teach us about
marriage!
Let’s review 10 Biblical principles about marriage and then, examine what
our Biblical fathers and mothers have taught us.

TEN BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES of MARRIAGE
1. Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman, initiated by the
exchange of vows.
2. The Husband is the head of the house and responsible for the marriage.
3. The Husband is commanded by God to love his wife.
4. The Wife is commanded by God to respect her husband.
5. The Husband and Wife are joint heirs to life.
6. Man needs a Wife.
7. A Wife is God’s grace to the Husband.
8. The Wife is the most powerful influence over her Husband.
9. Marriage is a sexually intimate and passionate relationship.
10. Marriage is the mystery of the Messiah’s relationship with us.
How we approach marriage, more importantly, how we fulfill it, is extremely
important to our own welfare and homes. It will either yield great joy and
fulfillment or heartache and disappointment. The Biblical principles we will
review are general in statement.
Depending on one’s station in life, there can be exceptions. Some people
remain single and never marry. Therefore, these Biblical principles serve as
a base definition for the subject of marriage.

BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 1.
Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman,
initiated by the exchange of vows.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall
cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. -- Genesis 2: 24
Marriage is not a partnership or a contract; it is considerably more than
that. Marriage is a covenant. Partnerships and contracts are agreements of
“consideration given for consideration received.” These kinds of agreements
are formed by requests and promises. One party requests something and
offers something in exchange.
The other party trades one item of value for another item of value. A covenant
is not made primarily to gain value nor to exchange one thing for another. It
is not maintained by both parties meeting their obligations; it is a reality of
giving ones self regardless of the return value. A covenant is of undetermined
length. It is forever or until it can no longer be done, “Until death do us part.”
This covenant causes names to change. This covenant changes the place
called “home.” A marriage covenant establishes a preference in relationship
greater than parent and child. A marriage covenant creates a new reality that
the whole of creation accepts, including the Creator.
This is why a divorce is more than breaking a contract. A divorce rips
the very fabric of the soul when the marriage covenant is broken.
A broken vow, an oath that is breached, or a pledge not fulfilled is
an internal dilemma reaching deep into the person that no soothing
balm can reach. A broken contract can be solved by paying for the
damages, but the damage of a broken covenant continues longer after.
Some men and women never quite leave their father and mother when they get
married. Consequently, they have not chosen their spouse above all others. In
truth of fact, they never made the proper marriage covenant from the beginning
and results become inevitable. Many pre-marriage counselors will recommend
that a new couple live separately and away from both sets of parents to
guarantee that the proper bond (cleaving) is established in the marriage.
Becoming “one flesh” is the consummation of the verbal vows, but it is not
a replacement for them. Becoming “one flesh” before the vows of marriage
is fornication and distorts the entire pattern and purpose of intimacy in the
marriage.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 2.
The Husband is the head of the house and responsible for the marriage.
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception;
in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy
husband, and he shall rule over thee.
-- Genesis 3: 16
This verse is probably hated by more women than any other verse in the
Bible. The spirit of rebellion will not sit idly by in the heart of a woman when
she hears the words, “he shall rule over you.” To a woman, these words
confront her unbelief and mistrust in her husband. From a counselor’s point
of view, it is evidence of not loving her husband. Love believes all things.
For men, this is probably the most misunderstood verse about marriage. True
mature leaders know that the authority to rule comes after full responsibility
has been accepted. True authority is given by those who are under the rule.
Demanding authority over another or exercising that authority to prove its
existence is a leader on the path to failure. A wife’s desire for her husband
will naturally result in her giving him authority over her, because she believes
he has taken full responsibility for her. From a counselor’s point of view, a
man who exercises control and leverages his prospective wife is not yet
comfortable being fully responsible for his house and his wife. It is evidence
that he does not yet know how to love his wife.
During the courtship phase of a marriage relationship, the man pursues his
prospective wife. It’s a little like a game. Actually, he chases her until he gets caught!
What was done in courtship should not end at the wedding. The
marriage should continue with the man initiating and the woman
completing. Should correction be needed or should something need to
be started it is the husband’s responsibility and duty to start the actions.
Does this mean that the man is to blame when something goes
wrong? Is it the husband’s fault if the marriage fails? No. Taking
responsibility is not concerned with or interested in finding fault and
placing blame. Taking responsibility is focused on improvement and
correction – doing it better. Blame and fault are subjects of immaturity.
A wife who is married to a good husband knows that she can make a mistake
and not be blamed or made to be guilty. Her desire is for her husband and
she wants him to have rule over her to bring about solutions.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 3.
The Husband is commanded by God to love his wife.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave
himself for it
Ephesians 5: 25
Love in a marriage seems as natural as breathing for the wife. But for the
husband, love in the marriage is a determined act of his will. Yes, love
is an emotion; yet, for many men in the earlier years of the relationship,
it is the “love of the chase.” This is why some men never grow up and
keep chasing other women after being married. God’s command for a
man to love his wife is more than an emotion, a feeling, or a game. It is
a determined act whereby he must direct his energies for the specific
purpose to provide for, to protect, and to be passionate toward his wife.
Some men provide well and are willing to lay down their lives to protect. This
is sacrificial love. However, they regard conjugal sex as one of the benefits
for having done the first two. Little do they know that God commands them
also to be a passionate, intimate husband. It is part of God’s plan for the
husband to “love” his wife. There is not a wife who doesn’t want her husband
to desire her for being a woman. This is where the game is carried on into
the marriage. She wants to be pursued and desired before she catches him.
The husband must learn to keep chasing his wife, even though he is caught.
Fundamentally, the number one need of a wife in a marriage is security.
The husband is commanded to meet this need. By loving his wife, he
provides her a home, the resources to live, and a safe and secure place for
her and the children. By loving her emotionally, he assures and comforts
her, shielding her from fear and harm. By loving her physically, he proves
that his attentions and focus are on her and she is secure in his desires.
The commandment to love his wife means that the husband is to commit his
best energies, resources, creativity, and attentions to focus completely on
his wife. It is more than just provision and protection. Loving a wife means
preferring her above ALL others.
When a husband commits adultery, he has proven to his wife that he does
not love her. He has broken the commandment to love his wife. You can not
separate sex from love in a marriage. The argument by an adulterous spouse
that it was just sex (lust), but “I really love you” is a totally flawed argument.
It simply is not true. Sex and love in marriage are inseparable.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 4.
The Wife is commanded by God to respect her husband.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. --
Ephesians 5: 22
Too often, Biblical teachers have equated “be subject” with “obey.” As a
consequence, opposition has grown in the American culture to the extent that
many women refuse to say “love, honor, and obey” in the traditional wedding
vows. It is really a huge mistake. The word “obey” is not the proper emphasis
for “being subject to” or “submission” as translated in the commandment.
Let me offer an entirely new perspective. Instead of the word “obey”
amplifying the phrase “be subject to” or the word “submit,” let’s use the
word “respect.” Now let’s restate the commandment. Wives, respect your
husband, just as you respect the Lord. That changes something dramatically.
Instead of the ultimatum to obey (like a lowly slave), respect opens the door
to balance and understanding. Respect is something given in measure to
being respectable. Respect is in parallel with love and honor. Obedience
does not require love or honor; however, respect does require them.
The number one complaint of distraught wives is that they don’t respect their
husbands. It is very difficult for them to do so when the husband continues
to do things not worthy of respect. Many times wives are justified in their
complaint. A husband who does not provide, protect, or show passionate
love for his wife is on thin ice for respectability. But oft times, the man does
provide and protect, he is faithful and desires his wife. However, his wife
treats him in a very disrespectful manner simply because he is a man. Wives
who do this should think back to how their mother treated their father. You
will discover that many times this is a pattern and it is learned behavior.
This is why God commands wives to respect their husbands. Wives must
make a determined decision to accomplish this. It takes energy and a clear
will to do so. Instead of holding your husband to an artificial standard of
respect (he does everything I want him to do), a wife should come to know
her husband for the true goodness that is in him.
Fundamentally, the number one need of a man in a marriage is respect.
The wife is commanded to meet this need. The commandment to respect
your husband means praising your husband, both to him and to others, and
submitting to his leadership, guidance, and judgment. Even if he makes a
mistake and is wrong. He will learn.
This is how men learn every day at their jobs. A wife who believes she needs
to teach her husband by correcting him only succeeds in embarrassing him.
When a wife disrespects her husband with critical words, treats him with
disdain, and holds him in contempt, she destroys her primary source of
provision and protection from God. She also breaks Gods commandment
to respect him. When a wife learns how to respect (be subject to, submit,
and obey) her husband, he’ll treat her like a thoroughbred, instead of a nag.
Rodney Dangerfield, a comedian, made his entire career on this one theme of
marriage. “I can’t get no respect.” No matter what the story or circumstance
about his wife, he repeated that line over and over. Why did the joke last so
long? All good humor is based in the truth. Every husband laughed again
and again, because he identified with the feeling being expressed. “I can’t
get no respect.”
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 5.
The Husband and Wife are joint heirs to life.
And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman,
and brought her unto the man.
-- Genesis 2: 22
To have children, it requires a man and woman joining together to procreate.
A man can not do it alone nor can a woman do it alone. They jointly form
the product of each new child. Woman was not made from the dust of the
earth like man; therefore, she should not be treated as dirt. Woman did not
fly down from heaven; therefore, she should not be over anyone’s head. She
was taken from her husband’s side; therefore, her rightful place is at his side.
The woman’s need for security can only be met fully by her husband. The
husband’s need for respect can only be met fully by his wife. When both needs
are being met, the marriage is like the wedding ring. It is made of precious
metal and valuable gems; it goes round and round, with no beginning and
no end. Life is good and wonderful.
When one of the needs (either security or respect) is not being met, the
ring is broken. There is now a clear beginning and end to the ring. The
ring has become a piece of twisted metal. The passion of love becomes
the passion of anger and hate. It leads to treachery. The remaining
metal of the ring becomes a bad memory and is pawned for a fraction
of its cost. However, the treachery and hate can last long after the
divorce. When both needs are met, the home is a pleasant place for all.
Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like
olive plants round about thy table.
-- Psalms 128: 3
To be a joint heir means to share in the same heritage and inheritance. Husbands
and wives come from different houses, but when they are joined together, they
are part of the same house with the same Heavenly Father. When the woman
was taken out of the man (the rib), it indicated that they were together when
man was first created. Marriage is reuniting the man and woman together as
they were in the beginning. This is marriage based on spiritual understandings.
There is a fundamental difference between a secular and spiritual marriage.
A secular marriage is a shared proposition. It’s a mutually agreeable
contract. Sometimes, these marriages stay together simply because they
don’t have any other choice. The spiritual point of view for marriage is one
that embraces the author of marriage. It is one where both the husband and
the wife are under the authority of God. But the bottom line is this: a spiritual
marriage is where the husband and wife know they were destined for each
other. They also share in the same problems and joys of life. They make their
“choice” for each other believing it is God’s will.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 6.
Man needs a Wife.
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will
make him an help meet for him.
– Genesis 2: 18
It has clearly been proven that men live longer and are healthier as a result
of marriage. Companionship is a key component to marriage. To have the
same companion from youth to old age is true friendship and love. The
word “helper” is really “help meet.” A “help meet” is much more than a mere
helper. “Help meet” means companion; it means she is there until the job is
finished. Help meet also has a strong spiritual tone.
A wife helps the man to meet the Lord. A wife will either multiply your ministry
in the Lord, or take you right out of it. Don’t even think about going into the
ministry full time if your wife is not right there with you serving the Lord.
There is not a spiritual man alive today, when he is about to be marooned on
a deserted island for many years, and must make a choice between having
his Bible or his wife with him... he’ll trust his memory for the Scripture, but he
wants his wife with him. He needs his wife with him.
10: Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
11: The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no
need of spoil
.
12: She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
-- Proverbs 31
Most men are not experts about jewelry. They really don’t know the
difference between a real diamond and a fake one. Most of them
see a colored stone in a ring and think it is pretty, but have no idea
what it really is or what it is worth. All they really know is that the
ones they like cost a lot more money than they wanted to spend.
Consider this for moment, how frequently do you see real rubies, diamonds,
emeralds or pearls. The Bible says that an excellent wife is more rare than
jewels. Husbands may not be experts about precious gems, but they can
discern a wife more rare than jewels. He knows what trusting in her means
and how he will be safe with her the rest of his life. He knows that her great
value is not about gain or investment. He knows that she is priceless and can
never be replaced.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 7
A Wife is God’s grace to the Husband.
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the
LORD.
-- Proverbs 18: 22
The favor mentioned here is unmerited favor or grace from God. That means
that men don’t deserve all the good they receive from their wives. This is
simply a truth that wise men come to learn. Even more so, when a wife
truly understands that she was presented by the Lord for her husband, she
develops wisdom.
House and riches are the inheritance of fathers and a prudent wife is from
the LORD.
-- Proverbs 19: 14
The most important and vital things of life come from the Lord. When a man
finally becomes smart enough to actually stop and smell the roses, he will
do so after getting a dozen of them for his wife. The more times he stops to
smell the roses, the smarter he will get.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 8.
The Wife is the most powerful influence over her Husband.
And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave
me of the tree, and I did eat.
-- Genesis 3: 12
Adam was more persuaded to seek the pleasure of his wife than to seek the
pleasure of God. A Godly man must learn quickly how powerful his wife is
over him with her charms and tears. A Godly wife must learn quickly not to
misuse and harm her husband in trying to get what she wants.
Allow me to share a word picture that illustrates this point. A
husband is like the captain of a sailing ship. He directs his resources
and uses skill to raise and lower his sails, he sets a course for
distant ports, and he determines what cargo he will carry or trade.
But his wife is the wind in his sails. Carry this picture out a little further. His
wife can be unsupportive and very still. No matter how many sails he unfurls,
nor how great his mast might be, no wind means he just sits and floats. If
his wife is stormy and objectionable, the ship is in a storm with sails torn
and masts broken. Many ships are lost at sea because of the hurricane that
rose up. But a steady ship in a steady breeze can sail on a great adventure.
Simply said, a husband is the captain of his ship, but his wife is the wind in his
sails. It doesn’t take much of a breeze for the ship to move. I can assure you
that if a wife just blows in her husband’s ear, his sails will catch that breeze.
Some wives think that the best way to “help” the captain is by grabbing the
ships wheel and setting the course they want. This is really mutiny and results
in the ship going in circles. In the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” the
mother counsels her daughter on how to “help” the father make a decision.
“The father is the head, but the wife is the neck,” says the mother. My counsel
is in line with my word picture.
If the wife really wants to have the ship sail a particular way, then give him
a favorable breeze in that direction. He’ll sail that way and will look for
breezes that ultimately lead him to his destination, too. The greatest joy that
a captain can feel is to be one with the wind, every sail filled, the rudder is set
amidships, and hear the words, “Aye, Aye, Captain. Steady as she goes!”
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed
is as rottenness in his bones.
-- Proverbs 12:4
The greatest harm that can be done to any man is done by his wife. Men can
insult men over and over; it just makes them mad and they get “tougher.”
When a wife shames her husband, she skewers his heart and vital organs.
The barbeque is not pretty.
Most wives are not trying to shame or embarrass their husbands. They are
trying to motivate and stimulate their husbands, who seem unresponsive to
them. The mistake of embarrassment is really unintentional; it just happens.
It happens because wives have twisted a major Biblical instruction. Wives
(mothers) are to teach their children and serve their husbands. Too often,
wives serve their children and attempt to teach their husbands.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 9.
Marriage is a sexually intimate and passionate relationship.
And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
-- Genesis 2: 25
Before we address this Biblical truth about marriage, some spouses avoid
this topic altogether and do not discuss intimacy and passion with anyone
(including their spouses). With all due respect to everyone’s privacy, please
skip to the next section if this topic offends you. Please continue reading to
understand what the Bible has to say about passion, which is different from
lust.
Many years ago, I heard an experienced husband and pastor teach young
married men the proper definition of marital love and sex. He said it in two short
sentences. “Until the day comes that you are totally ravished with your wife,
you have not fallen in love with her. Until the day comes that you can not even
imagine how another woman could satisfy you like your wife does, you have
not yet obeyed the commandment to love your wife like the Lord loves us all.”
18: Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
19: Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee
at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
-- Proverbs 5: 18-19
There is a world of difference between lust and passion. Lust is sin and a
loss of self-control; passion is a fire that forms the very metal of marriage.
Most wives, after 30 days of marriage, are convinced that they married an
over sexed man. It’s primarily the frequency thing. Wives spontaneously
think about sex once every 20 days; while men frequently think about sex
during a day. Men are hard-wired to often believe that having sex with their
wife will help any headache. Many a man thinks that a great way for his wife
to rest and relax after a long hard day with the kids is to have sex with him.
Some men truly think they will become smarter in business by having more
frequent sex with their wives.
They base this on the feeling of being more alert, alive and vigorous
afterwards. Men are highly visual and imaginative creatures when it comes
to sex. They perceive a direct link in their sexual energy with the very energy
of life.
Wives like to have sex in marriage also, but not like a man. Wives view marital
sex like fine wine. You don’t drink fine wine at every meal. Wine needs a
particular glass. The temperature needs to be correct. There is a special way to
open the wine and test it. What wives really want in marital sex is romance and
passion. That is why romantic scenes have candles, flowers and a glass of wine.
Now, here is the shocker! The Bible has its own dramatic way of illustrating
marital romance and passion. First the man leads and the wife responds.
6: How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!
7: This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.
8: I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also
thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;
9: And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that
goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.
10: I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.
-- Song of Solomon 7: 6-10
A Biblical marriage is a sexually intimate and passionate relationship.
The satisfaction, fulfillment, joy and pleasure are part of God’s plan for
the marriage. You don’t have to be an expert at the very beginning of the
marriage. Many believe that the very learning experience of sexual intimacy
is part of the lifetime of joy in marriage. I agree. Marital sexuality is a lifechanging-
experience and part of the changing-of-life-experience.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 10.
Marriage is the mystery of the Messiah’s relationship with us.
This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
-- Ephesians 5: 32
There have been a world full of poets and philosophers explaining love and
marriage to us. But this mystery described in the Bible far surpasses them
all. If you will ask any married person why they put up with their spouses’
mistakes and quirks, they will give the same answer regardless of gender.
“Because, I love him (her).” It is because love covers a multitude of sins. This
is the same simple answer for why God continues to deal with us. He loves
us, and His love covers the multitude of our sins.
Lessons from our Biblical fathers and mothers…
What Abraham and Sarah Teach Us about Marriage
There is one incident in the marriage of Abraham and Sarah
(then called Abram and Sarai) that the Bible mysteriously inserts.
It concerns a trip to Egypt and an encounter with Pharaoh.
11: And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into Egypt, that
he said unto Sarai his wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to
look upon:
12: Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that
they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee
alive
13: Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well
with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee.
14: And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians
beheld the woman that she was very fair.
15: The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her
before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house.
16: And he entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen,
and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and
camels.
17: And the LORD plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues
because of Sarai Abram’s wife.
18: And Pharaoh called Abram, and said, What is this that thou hast done
unto me? why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife?
19: Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife:
now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way.
20: And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him
away, and his wife, and all that he had.
-- Genesis 12
So, what is this story doing in the Bible? What is the purpose of this story?
Let me answer in clear and unmistakable terms. It is a lesson for husbands.
Never, under any circumstances [I don’t care if you think you are in mortal
danger],
never treat your wife like she is your sister!
She Is NOT Your Sister. SHE IS YOUR WIFE !
Do not kiss your wife like she is your sister. Do not do anything with your wife
like she is your sister (even spiritually). Treat your sister nice; but, treat your
wife like she is your wife! You are asking for trouble like you never imagined
if you offend this principle. There is also a corollary to this principle: Do not
treat one of your spiritual sisters like she is your wife. That is another set of
problems you don’t want.
Lessons from our Biblical fathers and mothers…
What Isaac and Rebekah Teach Us about Marriage
To demonstrate how powerful our fathers and mothers are in teaching us
behaviors as husbands and wives, Isaac made this exact mistake with
Rebekah when they visited king Abimelek.
7: And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my
sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place
should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon.
8: And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech
king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac
was sporting with Rebekah his wife.
9: And Abimelech called Isaac, and said, Behold, of a surety she is thy wife:
and how saidst thou, She is my sister? And Isaac said unto him, Because I
said, Lest I die for her.
-- Genesis 26
You don’t have to worry about Pharaoh or Abimelek giving
you trouble. It is your wife who will have a problem with you.
Before we leave this Scripture let’s make sure that we have a clear
understanding about something. Isaac was more than “caressing” his
wife. You can caress your sister, but “caressing” here is considerably
more. The King James Version Bible uses the word “sporting.”
Isaac wasn’t playing tennis either. The actual Hebrew word means
a combination of things: laughter, playing, entertaining with desire.
Actually, Isaac and Rebekah teach us something very powerful about
marriage in how they first met and married. If you will recall, Eliezer, the
servant of Abraham was dispatched to get Isaac a wife from the region
where Abraham himself came.
Eliezer found Rebekah with her brother Laban on that trip and
brought Rebekah back. Then the Scripture says one of the most
profound things that can be found on the subject of marriage.
Just as Eliezer and Rebekah returned, Rebekah put on a veil to meet Isaac
(she was not wearing a veil earlier). The Scripture continues.
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and
she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his
mother’s death. -- Genesis 24: 67
Wait a minute. Look at the sequence again. He took her, he married her, he
loved her, and he was comforted by her. That’s backwards! Don’t we first
meet someone, feel comfortable with them, even friendly? Then we fall in
love, get married, and the last thing we do is take her.
But the Scripture says Isaac did the opposite. What is this all about? And
why did the Scripture state that Rebekah put on a veil just before this? What
does the veil have to do with marriage?
The Scripture has actually shown us how men approach marriage and how
women approach marriage, and how they are different.
Ladies, this is a truth. Let my words serve as confirmation. Men approach
marriage from the idea of sex and physical attraction first. Men go
through the courtship, the ceremony, and the tuxedo, so they can have
sex with the woman. About six months after they get married, they
wake up one morning, see their wife laying there and it hits them. “What
have I done!?! I’m married!!??!” That’s when they actually get married.
Then... they make up their minds to truly love their wives some time
after that. It could be several years before they really “get it” on that
concept. Then, they understand that their wife is better than their mother.
Wives on the other hand see marriage the other way. First, they are
comforted, they fall in love, they put on a veil for marriage, get married,
and then have sex last. Modesty and discretion are the hallmarks of
her relationship. The veil is the symbol of her modesty at the wedding.
As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without
discretion.
-- Proverbs 11: 22
Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD,
she shall be praised.
-- Proverbs 31: 30
Let me illustrate how succinctly this process works in the mind of a man and
differently in a woman. The subject is “fantasy.” When a man fantasizes about
a woman, it is about sex and how he takes her. When a woman fantasizes
about a man, it is about how safe she feels with him, how he holds her and
makes her feel comfortable. It’s about being friends and maybe him telling
her how he loves her by presenting her with some flowers. Men and women
think differently on this subject.
This brings me to one of the most important things about marriage that
men and women need to know and understand. Gentlemen! Women do
the opposite of what you think should be done many times. A man will
count to 10 beginning with 1 and sequentially progress to 10. A woman
will get to 10 but will do it a different way, sometimes different every
time. For example, a woman will count to ten as follows: 3, 7, 5, 1, 2, 8,
9, 6, 4, and 10. Men get very confused with this process. It, however,
makes perfect sense to a woman (and other women will agree with her).
I want to offer some real caution here to all husbands. Don’t make a big deal
out of the different way women count to 10. Remember we men are the ones
who put sex in front of everything, right? And, we want it that way, right? We
would be wise to just leave things the way they are. Actually, it really does
work out for the best. Remember, how Isaac met Rebekah? He took her, he
married her, he loved her, and he was comforted? Let the husband pursue
the process from the take side and let the wife pursue it from the comfort
side. As a result, they will both end up with the two middle ingredients
together – love and marriage.
Lessons from our Biblical fathers and mothers…
What Jacob and his Wives Teach Us about Marriage
The closest example you are going to find in the Bible of a man with multiple wives
is Jacob and his wives Leah and Rachel. One thing can be concluded from the
entire experience: if you want conflict in your life, then have multiple spouses.
If you want any chance of peace in your house, then stick with one spouse.
But there is something else that Jacob had in his marriage that comes
out in Scripture in a unique way. Have you ever considered how Jacob
fulfilled his duties as husband of multiple wives? In particular, did they
live in one big happy tent, or was there a designated place where intimacy
was done? This question is worthy of an answer because it has one
of the most important points concerning a happy home and marriage.
The fact is that each wife had her own tent. Jacob would go into which ever
tent he chose or was told to go to, but something else would go with him.
Jacob had a couch. Actually, it was really his bed. It was where he performed
his husbandly duties with his wife.
One of the most important lessons for a happy home that a husband can
learn is that the house (the tent) belongs to the wife. Let her decorate it
how she wants. Let her decide where the furniture goes. It is her nest.
Let her get as comfortable as she wants there. It is part of her security.
Don’t mess with the interior of the house; it’s hers. But there is one
thing in the house that is yours. It is your bed. (It’s Jacob’s couch.)
Ladies, this is a profound Biblical truth. When you get into your husband’s
bed, you are in your marriage bed. He is not sleeping with his sister. You
are his wife. Therefore, you should not be surprised that your husband’s
desire is for you. He, as your husband, is obeying the Lord directing all of his
desire to you. Do not disrespect him nor discourage him in obeying the Lord.
The Bible is very clear using the word translated as “couch.” The Hebrew
word for couch when broken down to its individual letters means: where the
eye and hand are joined together in desire. This was the reason that Jacob
was so angry with his son, Reuben, when he went in and had sex with Leah’s
handmaid, Zilpah, the mother of Gad and Asher. Jacob expressed his anger
at Reuben’s blessing.
3: Reuben, thou art my firstborn, my might, and the beginning of my
strength, the excellency of dignity, and the excellency of power: 4:
Unstable as water, thou shalt not excel; because thou wentest up to thy
father’s bed; then defiledst thou it: he went up to my couch. -- Genesis 49
The couch (the marriage bed) of the husband is to be shared by the
wife, and this is what is expressed again in the Song of Solomon.
Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green.
-- Canticles 1: 16
If a husband can learn to provide a home for his wife in which she feels
secure and the wife can enter her husband’s bed respecting him, then they
will enjoy the full benefits of a loving marriage. They will produce children
that are a joy and have a happy home.
Lessons from our Biblical fathers and mothers…
What Our Heavenly Father Teaches Us about Marriage
The Bible has much to say about marriage and our parents are responsible
for most of our teaching to be good husbands and wives. However, there is
one last lesson about marriage that is taught by our Heavenly Father. It is the
most profound of them all.
The best thing we can do to improve our marriages or to better prepare for
marriage is to develop the ability to understand our spouse. We need to
dwell with understanding.
Say unto wisdom, Thou art my sister; and call understanding thy kinswoman
-- Proverbs 7: 4
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the
holy is understanding.
-- Proverbs 9: 10
Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is
established
-- Proverbs 24:3
Being wise and knowledgeable are good things but developing the ability to
understand, especially to understand your spouse, is consistent with being
intimate, knowing God, and having a well established house called a home.