10 Life Lessons to Excel in Your 30s

Couple weeks ago I turned 30. Leading up to my birthday I wrote a post on what I learned in my 20s. But I did something else. I sent an email out to my subscribers (subscribe here) and asked readers age 37 and older what advice they would give their 30-year-old selves. The idea was that I would crowdsource the life experience from my older readership and create another article based on their collective wisdom. The result was spectacular. I received over 600 responses, many of which were over a page in length. It took me a solid three days to read through them all and I was floored by the quality of insight people sent. So first of all, a hearty thank you to all who contributed and helped create this article. While going through the emails what surprised me the most was just how consistent some of the advice was. The same 5-6 pieces of advice came up over and over and over again in different forms across literally 100s of emails. It seems that there really are a few core pieces of advice that are particularly relevant to this decade of your life. Below are 10 of the most common themes appearing throughout all of the 600 emails. The majority of the article is comprised of dozens of quotes taken from readers. Some are left anonymous. Others have their age listed. 1. Start Saving for Retirement Now, Not Later “I spent my 20s recklessly, but your 30s should be when you make a big financial push. Retirement planning is not something to put off. Understanding boring things like insurance, 401ks & mortgages is important since its all on your shoulders now. Educate yourself.” (Kash, 41) The most common piece of advice — so common that almost every single email said at least something about it — was to start getting your financial house in order and to start saving for retirement… today. There were a few categories this advice fell into: Make it your top priority to pay down all of your debt as soon as possible. Keep an “emergency fund” — there were tons of horror stories about people getting financially ruined by health issues, lawsuits, divorces, bad business deals, etc. Stash away a portion of every paycheck, preferably into a 401k, an IRA or at the least, a savings account. Don’t spend frivolously. Don’t buy a home unless you can afford to get a good mortgage with good rates. Don’t invest in anything you don’t understand. Don’t trust stockbrokers. One reader said, “If you are in debt more than 10% of your gross annual salary this is a huge red flag. Quit spending, pay off your debt and start saving.” Another wrote, “I would have saved more money in an emergency fund because unexpected expenses really killed my budget. I would have been more diligent about a retirement fund, because now mine looks pretty small.”

Wow! Who knew that saving money could be so sexy and fun?!Gee whiz! Saving is so easy and so fun! And then there were the readers who were just completely screwed by their inability to save in their 30s. One reader named Jodi wishes she had started saving 10% of every paycheck when she was 30. Her career took a turn for the worst and now she’s stuck at 57, still living paycheck to paycheck. Another woman, age 62, didn’t save because her husband out-earned her. They later got divorced and she soon ran into health problems, draining all of the money she received in the divorce settlement. She, too, now lives paycheck to paycheck, slowly waiting for the day social security kicks in. Another man related a story of having to be supported by his son because he didn’t save and unexpectedly lost his job in the 2008 crash. The point was clear: save early and save as much as possible. One woman emailed me saying that she had worked low-wage jobs with two kids in her 30s and still managed to sock away some money in a retirement fund each year. Because she started early and invested wisely, she is now in her 50s and financially stable for the first time in her life. Her point: it’s always possible. You just have to do it. 2. Start Taking Care of Your Health Now, Not Later “Your mind’s acceptance of age is 10 to 15 years behind your body’s aging. Your health will go faster than you think but it will be very hard to notice, not the least because you don’t want it to happen.” (Tom, 55) We all know to take care of our health. We all know to eat better and sleep better and exercise more and blah, blah, blah. But just as with the retirement savings, the response from the older readers was loud and unanimous: get healthy and stay healthy now. So many people said it that I’m not even going to bother quoting anybody else. Their points were pretty much all the same: the way you treat your body has a cumulative effect; it’s not that your body suddenly breaks down one year, it’s been breaking down all along without you noticing. This is the decade to slow down that breakage.

Step 1: Laugh. Step 2: Eat Salad. Step 3: ????. Step 4: Profit. The key to salad is to laugh while eating it. And this wasn’t just your typical motherly advice to eat your veggies. These were emails from cancer survivors, heart attack survivors, stroke survivors, people with diabetes and blood pressure problems, joint issues and chronic pain. They all said the same thing: “If I could go back, I would start eating better and exercising and I would not stop. I made excuses then. But I had no idea.” 3. Don’t Spend Time with People Who Don’t Treat You Well “Learn how to say “no” to people, activities and obligations that don’t bring value to your life.” (Hayley, 37) Bad PoetryGently let go of those who are not making your life better.

After calls to take care of your health and your finances, the most common piece of advice from people looking back at their 30-year-old selves was an interesting one: they would go back and enforce stronger boundaries in their lives and dedicate their time to better people. “Setting healthy boundaries is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself or another person.” (Kristen, 43) What does that mean specifically? “Don’t tolerate people who don’t treat you well. Period. Don’t tolerate them for financial reasons. Don’t tolerate them for emotional reasons. Don’t tolerate them for the children’s sake or for convenience sake.” (Jane, 52) “Don’t settle for mediocre friends, jobs, love, relationships and life.” (Sean, 43) “Stay away from miserable people… they will consume you, drain you.” (Gabriella, 43) “Surround yourself and only date people that make you a better version of yourself, that bring out your best parts, love and accept you.” (Xochie) People typically struggle with boundaries because they find it difficult to hurt someone else feelings, or they get caught up in the desire to change the other person or make them treat them the way they want to be treated. This never works. And in fact, it often makes it worse. As one reader wisely said, “Selfishness and self-interest are two different things. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.” When we’re in our 20s, the world is so open to opportunity and we’re so short on experience that we cling to the people we meet, even if they’ve done nothing to earn our clingage. But by our 30s we’ve learned that good relationships are hard to come by, that there’s no shortage of people to meet and friends to be made, and that there’s no reason to waste our time with people who don’t help us on our life’s path. 4. Be Good to the People You Care About “Show up with and for your friends. You matter, and your presence matters.” (Jessica, 40) Conversely, while enforcing stricter boundaries on who we let into our lives, many readers advised to make the time for those friends and family that we do decide to keep close. “I think sometimes I may have taken some relationships for granted, and when that person is gone, they’re gone. Unfortunately, the older you get, well, things start to happen, and it will affect those closest to you.” (Ed, 45) “Appreciate those close to you. You can get money back and jobs back, but you can never get time back.” (Anne, 41) “Tragedy happens in everyone’s life, everyone’s circle of family and friends. Be the person that others can count on when it does. I think that between 30 and 40 is the decade when a lot of shit finally starts to happen that you might have thought never would happen to you or those you love. Parents die, spouses die, babies are still-born, friends get divorced, spouses cheat… the list goes on and on. Helping someone through these times by simply being there, listening and not judging is an honor and will deepen your relationships in ways you probably can’t yet imagine.” (Rebecca, 40) 5. You can’t have everything; Focus On Doing a Few Things Really Well “Everything in life is a trade-off. You give up one thing to get another and you can’t have it all. Accept that.” (Eldri, 60) In our 20s we have a lot of dreams. We believe that we have all of the time in the world. I myself remember having illusions that my website would be my first career of many. Little did I know that it took the better part of a decade to even get competent at this. And now that I’m competent and have a major advantage and love what I do, why would I ever trade that in for another career? “In a word: focus. You can simply get more done in life if you focus on one thing and do it really well. Focus more.” (Ericson, 49) Another reader: “I would tell myself to focus on one or two goals/aspirations/dreams and really work towards them. Don’t get distracted.” And another: “You have to accept that you cannot do everything. It takes a lot of sacrifice to achieve anything special in life.” A few readers noted that most people arbitrarily choose their careers in their late teens or early 20s, and as with many of our choices at those ages, they are often wrong choices. It takes years to figure out what we’re good at and what we enjoy doing. But it’s better to focus on our primary strengths and maximize them over the course of lifetime than to half-ass something else. “I’d tell my 30 year old self to set aside what other people think and identify my natural strengths and what I’m passionate about, and then build a life around those.” (Sara, 58) For some people, this will mean taking big risks, even in their 30s and beyond. It may mean ditching a career they spent a decade building and giving up money they worked hard for and became accustomed to. Which brings us to… 6. Don’t Be Afraid of Taking Risks, You Can Still Change “While by age 30 most feel they should have their career dialed in, it is never too late to reset. The individuals that I have seen with the biggest regrets during this decade are those that stay in something that they know is not right. It is such an easy decade to have the days turn to weeks to years, only to wake up at 40 with a mid-life crisis for not taking action on a problem they were aware of 10 years prior but failed to act.” (Richard, 41) “Biggest regrets I have are almost exclusively things I did *not* do.” (Sam, 47) Many readers commented on how society tells us that by 30 we should have things “figured out” — our career situation, our dating/marriage situation, our financial situation and so on. But this isn’t true. And, in fact, dozens and dozens of readers implored to not let these social expectations of “being an adult” deter you from taking some major risks and starting over. As someone on my Facebook page responded: “All adults are winging it.” “I am about to turn 41 and would tell my 30 year old self that you do not have to conform your life to an ideal that you do not believe in. Live your life, don’t let it live you. Don’t be afraid of tearing it all down if you have to, you have the power to build it all back up again.” (Lisa, 41) Multiple readers related making major career changes in their 30s and being better off for doing so. One left a lucrative job as a military engineer to become a teacher. Twenty years later, he called it one of the best decisions of his life. When I asked my mom this question, her answer was, “I wish I had been willing to think outside the box a bit more. Your dad and I kind of figured we had to do thing A, thing B, thing C, but looking back I realize we didn’t have to at all; we were very narrow in our thinking and our lifestyles and I kind of regret that.”

“Less fear. Less fear. Less fear. I am about to turn 50 next year, and I am just getting that lesson. Fear was such a detrimental driving force in my life at 30. It impacted my marriage, my career, my self-image in a fiercely negative manner. I was guilty of: Assuming conversations that others might be having about me. Thinking that I might fail. Wondering what the outcome might be. If I could do it again, I would have risked more.” (Aida, 49) 7. You Must Continue to Grow and Develop Yourself “You have two assets that you can never get back once you’ve lost them: your body and your mind. Most people stop growing and working on themselves in their 20s. Most people in their 30s are too busy to worry about self-improvement. But if you’re one of the few who continues to educate themselves, evolve their thinking and take care of their mental and physical health, you will be light-years ahead of the pack by 40.” (Stan, 48) It follows that if one can still change in their 30s — and should continue to change in their 30s — then one must continue to work to improve and grow. Many readers related the choice of going back to school and getting their degrees in their 30s as one of the most useful things they had ever done. Others talked of taking extra seminars and courses to get a leg up. Others started their first businesses or moved to new countries. Others checked themselves into therapy or began a meditation practice. As Warren Buffett once said, the greatest investment a young person can make is in their own education, in their own mind. Because money comes and goes. Relationships come and go. But what you learn once stays with you forever. “The number one goal should be to try to become a better person, partner, parent, friend, colleague etc. — in other words to grow as an individual.” (Aimilia, 39) 8. Nobody (Still) Knows What They’re Doing, Get Used to It “Unless you are already dead — mentally, emotionally, and socially — you cannot anticipate your life 5 years into the future. It will not develop as you expect. So just stop it. Stop assuming you can plan far ahead, stop obsessing about what is happening right now because it will change anyway, and get over the control issue about your life’s direction. Fortunately, because this is true, you can take even more chances and not lose anything; you cannot lose what you never had. Besides, most feelings of loss are in your mind anyway – few matter in the long term.” (Thomas, 56) In my article about what I learned in my 20s, one of my lessons was “Nobody Knows What They’re Doing,” and that this was good news. Well, according to the 40+ crowd, this continues to be true in one’s 30s and, well, forever it seems; and it continues to be good news forever as well. “Most of what you think is important now will seem unimportant in 10 or 20 years and that’s OK. That’s called growth. Just try to remember to not take yourself so seriously all the time and be open to it.” (Simon, 57) “Despite feeling somewhat invincible for the last decade, you really don’t know what’s going to happen and neither does anyone else, no matter how confidently they talk. While this is disturbing to those who cling to permanence or security, it’s truly liberating once you grasp the truth that things are always changing. To finish, there might be times that are really sad. Don’t dull the pain or avoid it. Sorrow is part of everyone’s lifetime and the consequence of an open and passionate heart. Honor that. Above all, be kind to yourself and others, it’s such a brilliant and beautiful ride and keeps on getting better.” (Prue, 38) “I’m 44. I would remind my 30 year old self that at 40, my 30s would be equally filled with dumb stuff, different stuff, but still dumb stuff… So, 30 year old self, don’t go getting on your high horse. You STILL don’t know it all. And that’s a good thing.” (Shirley, 44) 9. Invest in Your Family; It’s Worth It “Spend more time with your folks. It’s a different relationship when you’re an adult and it’s up to you how you redefine your interactions. They are always going to see you as their kid until the moment you can make them see you as your own man. Everyone gets old. Everyone dies. Take advantage of the time you have left to set things right and enjoy your family.” (Kash, 41) I was overwhelmed with amount of responses about family and the power of those responses. Family is the big new relevant topic for this decade for me, because you get it on both ends. Your parents are old and you need to start considering how your relationship with them is going to function as a self-sufficient adult. And then you also need to contemplate creating a family of your own. Pretty much everybody agreed to get over whatever problems you have with your parents and find a way to make it work with them. One reader wrote, “You’re too old to blame your parents for any of your own short-comings now. At 20 you could get away with it, you’d just left the house. At 30, you’re a grown-up. Seriously. Move on.” But then there’s the question that plagues every single 30-year-old: to baby or not to baby? “You don’t have the time. You don’t have the money. You need to perfect your career first. They’ll end your life as you know it. Oh shut up… Kids are great. They make you better in every way. They push you to your limits. They make you happy. You should not defer having kids. If you are 30, now is the time to get real about this. You will never regret it.” (Kevin, 38) “It’s never the ‘right time’ for children because you have no idea what you’re getting into until you have one. If you have a good marriage and environment to raise them, err on having them earlier rather than later, you’ll get to enjoy more of them.” (Cindy, 45) “All my preconceived notions about what a married life is like were wrong. Unless you’ve already been married, everyone’s are. Especially once you have kids. Try to stay open to the experience and fluid as a person; your marriage is worth it, and your happiness seems as much tied to your ability to change and adapt as anything else. I wasn’t planning on having kids. From a purely selfish perspective, this was the dumbest thing of all. Children are the most fulfilling, challenging, and exhausting endeavor anyone can ever undertake. Ever.” (Rich, 44)

What do you want kid? What do you want kid? The consensus about marriage seemed to be that it was worth it, assuming you had a healthy relationship with the right person. If not, you should run the other way (See #3). But interestingly, I got a number of emails like the following: “What I know now vs 10-13 years ago is simply this… bars, woman, beaches, drink after drink, clubs, bottle service, trips to different cities because I had no responsibility other than work, etc… I would trade every memory of that life for a good woman that was actually in love with me… and maybe a family. I would add, don’t forget to actually grow up and start a family and take on responsibilities other than success at work. I am still having a little bit of fun… but sometimes when I go out, I feel like the guy that kept coming back to high school after he graduated (think Matthew McConaughey’s character in Dazed and Confused). I see people in love and on dates everywhere. “Everyone” my age is in their first or second marriage by now! Being perpetually single sounds amazing to all of my married friends but it is not the way one should choose to live their life.” (Anonymous, 43) “I would have told myself to stop constantly searching for the next best thing and I would have appreciated the relationships that I had with some of the good, genuine guys that truly cared for me. Now I’m always alone and it feels too late.” (Fara, 38) On the flip side, there were a small handful of emails that took the other side of the coin: “Don’t feel pressured to get married or have kids if you don’t want to. What makes one person happy doesn’t make everyone happy. I’ve chosen to stay single and childless and I still live a happy and fulfilled life. Do what feels right for you.” (Anonymous, 40) Conclusion: It seems that while family is not absolutely necessary to have a happy and fulfilling life, the majority of people have found that family is always worth the investment, assuming the relationships are healthy and not toxic and/or abusive. 10. Be kind to yourself, respect yourself “Be a little selfish and do something for yourself every day, something different once a month and something spectacular every year.” (Nancy, 60) This one was rarely the central focus of any email, but it was present in some capacity in almost all of them: treat yourself better. Almost everybody said this in one form or another. “There is no one who cares about or thinks about your life a fraction of what you do,” one reader began, and, “life is hard, so learn to love yourself now, it’s harder to learn later,” another reader finished. Or as Renee, 40, succinctly put it: “Be kind to yourself.” Many readers included the old cliche: “Don’t sweat the small stuff; and it’s almost all small stuff.” Eldri, 60, wisely said, “When confronted with a perceived problem, ask yourself, ‘Is this going to matter in five years, ten years?’ If not, dwell on it for a few minutes, then let it go.” It seems many readers have focused on the subtle life lesson of simply accepting life as is, warts and all. Which brings me to the last quote from Martin, age 58: “When I turned forty my father told me that I’d enjoy my forties because in your twenties you think you know what’s going on, in your thirties you realize you probably don’t, and in your forties you can relax and just accept things. I’m 58 and he was right.” Thank you to everyone who contributed. Content by http://markmanson.net/10-life-lessons-excel-30s

5 Reasons Why Many Christian Guys Remain Single

God has a sense of humor. When I wrote 5 Reasons Why Many Christian Girls Remain Single, I never meant to follow it up with the same topic directed at men. But God had other ideas! Two days ago, I decided not to listen to music as I normally do in the morning but turned the radio on, hoping to hear a sermon. What I heard as I scanned for the right channel was a reading from the expositor study bible from Son life radio station here in Baton Rouge. The couple on the radio was reading from Genesis 24 – the story of how Eliezer (Abraham’s servant) took a wife for Isaac. That particular morning, the story gripped me in a way that I had hitherto experienced. I quickly jotted down what the message spoke to me and headed out to work. Later that day, I read the story of Eliezer again. This time, the reasons why many Christian men remain single became unequivocally clear. He is Not Listening to God’s direction When Abraham spoke to Eliezer, he specifically directed him to go back to his (Abraham’s) land and family to take a wife for Isaac. Without godly direction, many men simply guess at where they should go to take a wife. They travel here and there, chatting up wrong women after wrong women. By the time they actually get to the place God wants them, the stories of their travels have already reached the land. The women of the land are no longer interested because they do not feel special…they feel like common currency instead of a pearl of great prize. They think, I am one of many he could love, not the one that he loves. Moreover, the man starts to look desperate to them as they start to wonder why the other women did not pick the man up. Nothing puts off a woman more than a desperate man. But guys who move with godly direction do not become unequally yoked with those from strange lands. They do not have to chase after another man’s future wife! Instead they set their course to the land of God and to the house of God, which is now their house by birthright. Guys, that is the only place where we find the sister that the Lord has planned for us. He is Not Prepared to Meet His Mate When Eliezer left, he left with all his master’s goods…which he put on his camels. When we leave to find our beloved, we must not go empty-handed but must leave with the goods of God. We must carry with us the love of God and the gift of the Spirit of God. We must be ready to be a blessing to her instead of going empty-handed, having to ask for and live off some of her stuff. Men, it is extremely difficult for a woman to respect a man who is not ready – who is not ready to be leader, provider, spiritual leader, and godly man that he has been called to become. When we go to find our wives, we must pack our bags of goodies and go. If we have nothing to put in the goody bag, it is not quite our time…we still have some work to do. He Has Not Positioned Himself in the Right Spot When Eliezer got to his destination with his goods in hand, he positioned himself in a spot by the well where he could see the women of the land. It is tragic to think that many godly guys – who are following the will of God and have readied themselves for marriage miss out because they do not purposefully hand around godly women. They expect God to drop a wife on their lap without looking. I wonder if Eliezer would have met Rebekah if he had not purposefully positioned himself to be able to observe the women. Just as Eliezer did, we have to position yourselves in the right spot and then pray to God to show us which woman he desires for us. Too many good men leave too many good women single because they simply will not position themselves in the right spot. Then both the men and women say ‘there is no good man or women around, they are all taken! No, they are not all taken…they are simply in the wrong spot! He Beats About the Bush When Eliezer saw Rebekah, he did not hang around or beat about the bush, but the bible tells us that he ran to her. Men, we cannot become shy and coy when we see an all round desirable godly woman. She will not be at the well forever! She has other things to do and a purpose to fulfill. If you are Mr. Snail, then you may find that she is gone or disinterested by the time you sum up the courage to go to her. This reminds me of the man who had been waiting to get into the pool of Bethesda for 38 years, who Jesus asked if he wanted to be made well. Instead of just saying yes, the first words that came out of his mouth were excuses! He was going to miss the opportunity to get well because he had pinned his hope on the waters! Similarly, you cannot pin your hopes on the lady you so desire noticing you per chance as you beat about the bush. If you are going to pursue her, then pursue her! He Never Made His Intentions Clearly Known When Eliezer caught up to Rebekah and she had watered his camels, he made it known to her the intention of his actions and his visit. Alas, after positioning and pursuing, too many men miss out on destiny because they end up in the friendship zone! After getting the woman’s initial attention, they do not fess up to their hearts intentions out of fear of being rejected. So they end up being the best friends of these women…doing all kind of things for them…and then watch as other men swoop. Sadly, the woman who once saw you as husband potential starts to think you are not interested and starts to see you as a friend. Men, we have to tell her our intentions. The worst thing that can happen is that she is does not go with you. If she is not interested, it is not rejection, it is simply re-direction. So tell her what you intentions her! She will respect you even if she does not care to follow you! Food for Thought: Instead of standing in hope, start walking in faith until you meet your destiny Content by SuperChampInc http://diaryofasuperchamp.wordpress.com

5 Reasons Why Many Christian Girls Remain Single

In 2012 ,I was invited to be a member of a panel at a Christian singles conference. After speaking about living a purposeful life, and remaining pure in singleness, the topic of marriage invariably came up. A woman stood up and started pouring out her heart about how she desired a husband. How she was in her late thirties and did not want to be alone anymore. She said that she was on the verge of ‘settling’! In an attempt to comfort her, an older woman whom we will call Sarah stood up and proclaimed that she was single at 60 AND had never married. Sarah started to encourage the younger lady. She said, look at me, I am 60 and not married but I will not settle. I want what God wants for me and will not settle for less. I have had many counterfeit men come into my life. Sarah then went ahead and started to rattle off about the men that had been potential suitors and what was wrong with them. As she spoke, somethings that seemingly escaped her started to become clear to those of us on the panel. She was to blame for being single at 60. Here are some of the things we realized about Sarah that kept her single Sarah wanted Jesus…not a disciple of Jesus…but Jesus Himself Many women, like Sarah are looking for the perfect mate. They want someone who is going to complete them and be their everything! If this is you, then my question to you is this: If a man completes you and becomes your everything, then what position is Jesus taking in your life? Jesus is the one that completes you and is meant to be your everything. So, to look for completeness in a man is to make that man an idol in your life, it is to have put man above God! This will only lead to ruin because no man is perfect! Try as he might, he will disappoint you! So stop looking for someone who will not disappoint you over the lifetime you wish to be married…you will not find it. Even you, yes you…have and still disappoint many people…whether you realize it or not…whether you meant it or not. Instead of looking for perfection, look for someone who is striving towards perfection. This is a person that loves God and does not want to be conformed to the world but whose life’s purpose is to be transformed into the image of Jesus. As my mom says, if you meet a person who is perfect, run away, for you will make imperfect whatever is making that person seem perfect. Sarah saw herself as a princess, but she did not care to prince her man There are many women who see themselves as awesome and incredible royalty. Many women say, I want to be treated like a princess! The issue is that they do not want their man to be a prince. They do not want to share any power or give up any control. Instead, they want their partners to take the position of a slave while treating them like a princess. The reason many women cannot let go of control is because of fear – perhaps due to not dealing with the hurts of past relationships. The moment the man does not give her the power she craves, she takes it as he not treating her like a princess and so searches for greener pastures. Conversely, many men see that while they are giving all they have, the woman is not following suit! Many women think that this is part of being pursued; many men simply see it as being disrespectful. As a princess, you have to make sure you prince your man. Compliment him and let him know that you appreciate that he is being led by the King. Let go of the control. Taking a chance at love means you take a chance with your heart. This is because only the heart can feel love, not your head. Sarah liked being pursued but did not want to be caught In the bible, the servant of Abraham went to a land far away in pursuit of a wife for Isaac. When he got there, it was Rebekah that came to the well. When he approached, she did not play games and dilly-dally. No, she said that she would not wait as her family had requested but would follow Eliezer immediately back to Isaac. When Boaz pursued Ruth, Ruth decided to show her interest by laying at his feet. See, both Rebekah and Ruth showed interest. They did not play games or play hard to get. Ladies, if a prince has found you, then admit it and go forward as long as you have God’s blessing. I am not saying be easy, but at the same time, do not be hard to get. Just as you are a gift to him, he is also a gift to you! If a man is pursing you, do not run him away with games. Sarah was way too picky Sarah did not want God to decide whom she should marry but decided on who she wanted to marry. In essence, she said: God, forget about who you desire for me, this is the person I want to marry…now make it happen! It was no longer God’s will for her life but her will for her life! But does God not want to give us the desires of our heart? Yes…as long as it glorifies God. In fact, the scripture says: delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. As you delight yourself in the Lord, you will find that His desires become your desire…thus your desire will glorify God! You must believe right now that what God wants for you is better than what you could ever want for yourself in the long run. If he is not giving you your hearts desires, it may be because you are not ready to handle your heart’s desire. It may be because what you desire is not desirable! Sarah wanted Boaz but wanted to remain a Delilah Do not be like Sarah! Every potential suitor she met had some flaw that was fatal. One could not provide. Another could provide but was not attractive enough. A third was attractive and could provide but did not pay her enough attention. Yet, another paid her too much attention. She forgot that she was filled with flaws herself! She was so busy finding fault with everyone that she had no time to look at herself. She was so busy trying to find the speck in someone else’ life that she forgot that the log in her eyes was blinding her vision of the truth about herself. The truth that just like everyone else, she is imperfect and needs a savior as well! Sarah could not understand why the one’s she thought were ‘perfect’ for her were not interested. Sarah, perhaps it is because they are not willing to ‘settle’ either. I thank God that he did not wait for us to be perfect but settled for us. He wants us to settle for nothing less than Himself. This means that we have to take the reins off our own lives and surrender completely to His will. It seemed that Joseph settled for Mary when He married a pregnant girl…but He became immortalized in history because of it. Are you willing to settle for God’s best for you? Food for Thought: Maybe I cannot find Mr.Right because I am wrong in the way I see relationships Content by SuperChampInc http://diaryofasuperchamp.wordpress.com

J. N. N. Ng'ang'a Meditations - Finding a life partner (Part 3) - 11th - 17th Feb 2013

Past meditations: www.johnnganga.org J. N. N. Ng’ang’a – Meditations for the week of Feb 11 - 17 2013 Finding a life partner (Part 3) Day 1 Romans 1:26 26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion. How does the Lord finally reveal who it is he has chosen for you to marry? You know you are called to marry but who do you marry? Assuming that all human beings are candidates makes it overwhelming to know who to marry. Below we want to use the biblical message about who to marry to increasingly smaller circles s that keep reducing the candidates until only a few are left. These biblical principles are already clear in the scriptures. First remove those from your genders from potential life partners In the circle you remain with all humans who are not of your gender. If you are a man, then you are not allowed to find another man, however attracted you are to another man. I am not talking about how to find your life partner, and another man cannot be your life partner, according to God’s word. If you are a man, then it must be a woman. Romans 1 God’s Wrath Against Mankind 18 The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19 since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse… 26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion. So clearly the above passage shows God does not allow homosexuality. To the Bible the resurgence of homosexuality is sign that God gave them over to shameful lusts due to their sinfulness. If you are going to marry, and you are a girl and feel attracted to another girl, ask for prayer of deliverance and God will help you. You may have a liking for someone’s car but you do not go ahead and steal it, instead you seek spiritual help to deal with the temptation. Many Christian girls are seeking to be married to Christian men but when none is available yet their sexual urge pushes them, what should they do. What is the biblical thing to do? The answer is there is no excuse to disobey something God has commanded against. The Christian girl must seek help to deal with sexuality until God gives her a Christian man to marry. Similarly the homosexual has no excuse just because of sexual urge to disobey God. If you are going to marry, let it be someone of the opposite sex. So the first issue is excluding all those of your gender from being candidates for marriage. This reduces the choice by half. The first circle has already been drawn; the choice is only within the circle called opposite sex. Day 2 1 Corinthians 6:9 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders This subject has become so controversial that at the risk of making this meditation lengthy I will paste a testimony from one has experienced this challenge This is the story of Jonathan, Director of True Freedom Trust. November 2009 I was brought up in a loving, moral, church-going family and benefitted from Christian input at Sunday school from a very early age. From around about the age of 10 or 11, I became very conscious of being attracted, both emotionally and physically, to my male school friends rather than to my female school friends. I hadn’t chosen to have those feelings and I spent most of my teenage years fighting against them and tormenting myself with guilt over them. Finally, aged 17, I reluctantly started to identify myself, inwardly at least, as being gay. Gay certainly wasn’t what I wanted to be and I would have loved at that stage to have been able to talk through my feelings with someone. But there was no-one I felt I could turn to. Not my parents, not my friends and certainly no-one at church. The only times that I’d ever heard Christians talking about homosexuality were always in very condemning, harsh, judgmental ways. Finding no way to reconcile my vague kind of faith with my sexuality, I decided I had no option but to leave the church and to try to find a partner. I’d heard and read that gay people were very promiscuous, with many sexual partners, but that certainly wasn’t what I wanted. I was searching for love, for a special someone to share my life with. I soon met a guy of my own age and over a period of time we fell in love and entered into a long-term, committed relationship together, a relationship that was completely hidden from all my family, friends and colleagues. As I look back, I can see that God didn’t reject or abandon me during the seven years that I lived in a gay relationship. He was very gracious and merciful and gave me continual reminders of His existence and of His desire to be right at the centre of my life. Slowly but surely He convicted me of the wrong decision that I’d made as a teenager to get involved in a gay relationship, and He brought me to faith in Jesus Christ, aged 24. My actual conversion was a pretty dramatic, sudden affair. It was initiated by my walking into Lansdowne Baptist Church in Bournemouth one Sunday morning in a state of some turmoil. This followed a prolonged period where I just sensed God’s hand pressing down on me in judgment. It’s what I call my Psalm 32 experience; God’s hand heavy upon me, day and night, sapping my strength until I finally acknowledged my sin to Him. It was in that state of feeling under God’s judgment that I turned up at Lansdowne Baptist Church. Why there? Well because for some years I’d lived right opposite that church with my partner and had often noticed how happy, joyful and peaceful people looked as they came out of the church building Sunday by Sunday. It was as if they had something that I was lacking, and to put it bluntly, I was jealous! I don’t recall anything at all about the specifics of the service that Sunday. The only thing that struck me quite powerfully was the thought that ‘God is in this place.’ After the service, I was approached by the Minister for Pastoral Care who chatted with me and suggested that I looked like I needed someone to talk to. My pride was tempted to say, “What me, in need? Who are you kidding? I’m fine!” But the reality was that by this stage I was a broken man, so how could I possibly turn down the offer of someone to talk with? The very next week we met up and he sat me down and offered me a cup of tea (a very English thing to do!) Before I told him anything about me or my life, he simply asked did I mind if he read something to me from the Bible. My reaction was, ‘sure, whatever’. I wasn’t really bothered, having no idea, of course, at that stage of the power of God’s word to pierce a human heart! As he read these verses from Jeremiah Chapter 29, they cut right into my heart like a sword. I know it’s a little bit of a cliché but it really was as if God were speaking directly to me: “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.” Now I had already heard, understood and previously rejected the gospel, so I took those words as an immediate call to turn back to God and to put my trust fully in Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of my sins and personal salvation. I knew immediately, at that very moment of conversion without anyone having to tell me, that becoming a Christian and seeking God with all my heart meant my getting out of the gay relationship that I was involved in. That wasn’t easy, either for me or for my partner, but I knew so clearly in my heart that this was what God required. The one thing that I had longed for and strived for throughout my early childhood and teenage years (i.e. the ‘perfect’ relationship with another guy) was, in fact, holding me captive and not delivering the promised liberty and satisfaction that I craved. I also knew that God had some very positive plans for me; plans to prosper and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. And a few years after becoming a Christian I moved to London to train at Bible College. After my training I went on to serve at a church in East London for ten years, firstly as Assistant Minister and Youth Worker and subsequently as the Pastor. Throughout my early years as a Christian, I became aware of and was involved with the ministry of True Freedom Trust: firstly from the perspective of personally needing some support, encouragement and practical help to leave behind a gay lifestyle. But I later got involved on a voluntary basis too – leading a support group, pastoring and caring for fellow-strugglers, doing the Bible teaching at various conferences, and for a number of years I also served on the Board of Trustees. When I first met Martin Hallett at Spring Harvest in the mid-nineties, I had no idea that ultimately our meeting would lead, some years in the future, to my being appointed as the Director of the ministry that he co-founded 32 years ago. But little by little God began to nudge me in this direction and with the benefit of hindsight I can see that He’s been preparing me and molding me for this role from the moment of my conversion. In His perfect timing, I would be ready to take on the Director’s role at the exact point when Martin Hallett was ready to retire. The Lord finally engineered various circumstances (including using the pain of a breakdown and a period of deep depression) to bring me to the point of being willing to say ‘yes’ when the Trustees invited me to take on the role. I should state that I have not been “healed” or “cured” or “delivered” of homosexuality. My experience now is that God gives me grace daily to live a celibate and, I would stress, a very fulfilled life as a single man. My struggles with same-sex attraction did not end at conversion, as many Christians might assume. I am aware that I have "feet of clay", as we all do, and that I will have to face weaknesses as my journey continues. Those times are the opportunity for me to receive God’s mercy, love and forgiveness. He has set me free from captivity to sin, and despite my own sinful desires, he is keeping me from returning to that captivity. I’m also discovering, through my ongoing struggles with same-sex attraction the reality that God’s power is made perfect in weakness and that when I am weak, then I am strong[1] Let this testimony encourage you to know that temptation is not sin and you should not go ahead and practice homosexuality just because you feel tempted. The important thing for all of us, is to love lesbians and homosexuals just as Jesus loves them. To show them hatred is to fail the test of love that caused Jesus to love us even when we yet sinners. Not just homosexuals but we must love all sinners without loving or condoning the sin. Day 3 Mark 10 11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” Secondly exclude any one already married from your potential circle of candidates for marriage. In this smaller circle you remain only with those not of your gender who are single. The Bible says God hates divorce and so you should not try to marry someone God has already given a life partner even if they do not seem to like their life partner. Malachi 2 16 “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself[f] with violence as well as with his garment,” says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. Then in Jesus confirms this position in Mark 10 11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” So if God intends for you to be married he already has someone for you who does not have a living spouse. Avoid tempting a divorcee to marry you so that you can deal with your sexual temptation. Two wrongs do not make a right. But again Christians must avoid judgmental attitudes when dealing with divorcees. God loves them and we must as God’s children also love them. Day 4 1 Corinthians 11:39 "A woman is bound with her husband as long as she lives but if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord." Thirdly, exclude all those who are not born gain even if of opposite gender. In this yet smaller circle you remain with only with born gain people of opposite gender. That reduces the number by a big % since those born again people are always in the minority. See 2nd Corinthians 6:14-16, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do wickedness and righteousness have in common, or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belal? What does an unbeliever have in common with a believer? What agreement is there between the temple of God and Idols? For we are the temple of the living God. " Also note 1st Corinthians 11:39. "A woman is bound with her husband as long as she lives but if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord." What have we been told? If we are to marry the person, they must be in the Lord. And the other verse asks you, what association is there between Belal and Christ. The line has been drawn, very clearly. If you think that you are getting attracted to a woman or someone that does not belong to the Lord, deal with it as just temptation that must be overcome. Do not marry them or encourage any romance. Why because if she belongs to the devil, when you marry her then who shall be your father-in-law? - The devil. We have been told, marry only a person that belongs to the Lord. If God is leading you, he will not lead you to an unbeliever. God never contradicts his word the Bible. You will know very well the attraction is from the devil if you feel attracted to a non-Christian. You must fight the attraction as hard as possible. You must never allow yourself to develop a romantic relationship with a man or a woman that is not saved. I want to tell you that the day that you get involved, the day you actually fall in, no amount of preaching seems to reach such a fallen individual. I remember one of the evangelists we were preaching with, got attracted to a non-Christian. When we decided to talk to her against it, her reaction was, ‘save your time, I have been preaching with you. These things you are telling me are the same I have been telling others. Save them for other people, there was nothing you could tell me to affect my love for this man.’ And the man was there, not even pretending to be a Christian. He was there smoking and blowing the smoke at these Christian ladies. He wanted them to understand very well, that he was not wooing her from Christ; she was the one that had chosen to backslide. He was not the one tempting her; she is the one that had chosen to backslide. She was saying that she had a call from God to marry the non-Christian. Was God contradicting his word? Can God contradict His word? No, you need to understand that if the guy does not belong to the Lord, and the Bible does not contradict itself, then there is no way that you can marry a non-Christian and claim God instructed you. Day 5 Nehemiah 13 23 Moreover, in those days I saw men of Judah who had married women from Ashdod, Ammon and Moab. 24 Half of their children spoke the language of Ashdod or the language of one of the other peoples, and did not know how to speak the language of Judah. 25 I rebuked them and called curses down on them. I beat some of the men and pulled out their hair. I made them take an oath in God’s name and said: “You are not to give your daughters in marriage to their sons, nor are you to take their daughters in marriage for your sons or for yourselves. In the 1970's, there were very few girls in the university in Kenya but those few that were there, even in CU, had trouble getting husbands, because people feared graduate girls. They said that they could not make good, obedient wives due to being senior where they were likely to work. I remember my non-Christian friends telling me that, ‘I cannot marry a graduate girl except if she is saved’ and they would come to the Christian Union meetings, to try their luck. I used to tell them that it is technically impossible for you as a non-Christian man, to marry a Christian girl, and they would say no. I can remember saying, ‘you try, but it is technically impossible for you as a non-Christian boy to marry a Christian girl’. The word of God is clear, if she accepts to marry you, what you will finally marry is a backslider- A former Christian. The day she says yes to a non-Christian, is the day she says no to God. The day the words will be yes to you, it will be the same time she will be saying no to God. So who shall he be marrying, a backslider. And I used to tell my non-Christian friends, it is better to marry a non-Christian girl that has been going to dance and is looking forward to settling. Now this backslider might actually start moving out in your marriage rather than settling. A backslider might be far much worse than a non-Christian. I hope that you are getting my point. It is difficult to marry a non-Christian as a Christian: it is impossible because, the day you marry her or him, you will not be a Christian marrying a non-Christian, it will be a backslider marrying a non-Christian. So the day you say yes to that boy, it will be no to God who commands you not to be unequally yoked with the non-Christian. So do not beat about the bush. When you feel that you want to marry a non-Christian tell us the truth that you have chosen to backslide. Don't say that, ‘I am marrying a boy, although he does not say that he is saved, he is just about to get saved’. That is what people like to say. I remember a girl telling me, I am getting married to a non-Christian but since he became my boyfriend now he has been to church three times. In other words, he was not attending church but now that he is my boyfriend, there has been a lot of progress; he has attended church three times. Those people actually went ahead and married and they have had a lot of trouble in their marriage. She did not understand that technically a Christian cannot marry a non-Christian. You are only a backslider marrying a non-Christian. Did you see in above verses that the Bible is clear? You can marry any one of the opposite gender, but he must belong to the Lord. So if he does not belong to the Lord then you will have said no to the Lord before you marry him. So the people you can marry are now in a much smaller circle of only saved girls if you are a boy or saved boys if you are girl. But the target group is an even smaller circle. Day 6 Matthew 22:30 At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven. Fourthly, only those the Lord makes you meet physically are candidates. In this circle you now remains with only those sisters (if you are brother) who the Lord brings your way in fellowships or professional pursuits at the time you are ready to marry You cannot marry someone spiritually. You must meet physically. Marriage is not just a spiritual affair. You cannot marry someone in Japan, when you have no passport out of Kenya. You must meet, somehow. OK, I know that there were photograph marriages at Nyayo stadium, in Nairobi, but that is not a Christian marriage. In a Christian marriage you cannot marry a photograph; it must be physical person. Jesus told of a lady who married 7 brothers one after the others with each dying. In heaven whose wife shall she be out of the seven brothers? Jesus replied, in heaven there is no marriage, we shall all be like angels. So marriage is an earthly affair. Do not tell your wife that even if we are not happy here, do not worry there is heaven to go to. If you marry her, let her enjoy marriage here. If she does not enjoy marriage here, she will not enjoy marriage anywhere because marriage is an earthly affair. That is why we normally say of newlyweds that they will be together until 'death do us part'. After death, that is the end of marriage. You know sometimes people seem to continue being married to the dead. That is terrible, if I die, my wife is free, because according to the scriptures, marriage has ended. She should not be controlled by what was our marriage; it is ended. You know when Paul said that one whose husband has died can marry any one; you know he was going completely against Judaism. In Judaism, you inherit wives, as written in the Old Testament. In the New Testament, you are told that once your husband has died, you can marry anyone. Not necessarily your husband’s relative, as long as he belongs to the Lord. Our African culture is similar to Judaism. Can you see Christianity is totally different from our culture? We are told of people that even write letters to the dead husband as they continue to relate to them; that is unscriptural. The widows are advised that if you feel that you are missing your husband, write a letter to him. But the Bible is clear, that there shall be no communication between the dead and the living. If your husband has died, he is dead, he is gone, seek Gods healing and then, enjoy your life as the Lord leads you. Remember marriage is an earthly physical affair. So if your wife has died, she has died, if your husband has died, he is gone, live your life for the Lord. The Bible says to be absent in the body is to be present with the Lord. The day I stop breathing, do not worry where I am, I will be with the Lord. So God will have to bring to your face, the person that you will actually marry. Yes, you shall have to meet him or her physically. It has to be someone that you meet physically. We shall draw yet another smaller circle of people you can marry. Day 7 Ecclesiastes 9:9 Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun Fifthly, somebody you love. This circle is really very small. In this circle you remain only with sisters you have met who you feel attracted to. Not all the boys you are in fellowship with, that you have met physically, are potential husbands. If God is leading you to marry a brother, he will give you love for him however ugly he is. But you need wisdom if we are to make such a lifetime decision. Ephesians 5: 15-16 says: "Be careful then how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish but understand what the will of the Lord is." After being told what the current days are like, we go on and read verse 33, "However, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." So we are being told to be wise, and what is to be wise? It includes, loving your spouse. Remember this is command - husbands must love their wives. So if you cannot love the girl, God cannot be leading you to marry her. You cannot respect a person you do not love. Love will cover a multitude of weaknesses. So once a girl loves a boy she will respect him irrespective of his weaknesses. So, if you do not love a person that is one indication that God is not likely to be leading you to that person. If he is leading you to her, he will give you love. Sister, if he is leading you to him, he will give you love for him. We are being told that if you are to marry, then you must love each other. It is a biblical requirement for all married couples. So do not feel like now that the Pastor says that I look good, and he lost his wife why not go and look after his children. No, sympathy is not the requirement; it is that you must love that pastor. You can go and look after his children, just like a maid, but then not as a wife. If you are to be a wife, then you must love him.

Tribalism - Oliver M ft Christine Muna

Tribalism - Oliver M ft Christine Muna

J. N. N. Ng’ang’a – Meditations for the week of 15th – 21st October 2011 - Corporate Ethical Commitments – Part Three

J. N. N. Ng’ang’a – Meditations for the week of 15th – 21st October 2011 Corporate Ethical Commitments – Part Three Day 1 Deuteronomy 24:15 Pay him his wages each day before sunset, because he is poor and is counting on it. Otherwise he may cry to the LORD against you, and you will be guilty of sin. Paying reasonable wages Continuing with the issue of ethical organization paying reasonable wages, we agreed minimum wages covers even un-skilled labour. There doesn’t seem to be a clear definition of skilled and un-skilled employees. I assume if anybody is trained, then that person is described as skilled. So when an Ayah is a form four graduate, and she has never been trained, (except looking after her own younger brother, she has never looked after anybody else’s child), is she skilled or not skilled? If one is trained, in what type of school, what type of certification? Was the place they were trained recognized by Department of Industrial Training (DIT)? If somebody has worked for you for six months, does that make them trained? If skilled there is a salary for city, and there is salary for rural. The Kenyan newspaper simply told us the new minimum wage is eight thousand shillings. However we clearly know the fact that the minimum wage does not include house allowance. So you can’t start deducing from it all the food she ate, or the housing. The salary is for somebody you are employing for the first time. If somebody has done a year in your place, there must be an increment, isn’t it? So that one should not be paying just the minimum because minimum means the person is now beginning to work. It is my prayer and hope that even as you think about the people you employ you will seek to treat them with integrity however unskilled they are. When it comes to minimum, then it is easy….the figure has been given by the Government. But most employees are above this. When you employ a graduate from the University of Nairobi, what is the minimum that a person of integrity, an employer of integrity should pay? I recently was talking about careers in petroleum industry, to one person who left the university recently and wants to join the oil industry. He asked me …. What is the reasonable beginning salary for somebody working for a petroleum company? Knowing that I have worked in oil industry for many years, he thought I could answer. I told him I had no answer at all. Now there are about fifty seven oil companies in Kenya, most of the oil companies do not even have one percent market share. The top 3 take something like sixty percent of the whole market. All the other fifty five are sharing the difference. Some of them have zero point zero one % of the markets. They cannot exist on their own, if it were not for government’s involvement, because the government is the one that has facilitated them to be there, to encourage competition. So what that means is you can be called distribution manager whose market share is zero point zero two, and the other one is called distribution manager of a company with 30% market share. Can your salaries compare? In fact even the CEO of this small one cannot earn the salary of even a sales rep of the bigger one. So there is no such a thing as an oil industry salary. You cannot say I am being paid little. What are the standards? My recommendation is check which industry you belong to because you are competing for manpower in that industry. Then within that competition, what’s a reasonable salary for what size of market share? If you don’t pay a reasonable salary and people have similar skills, they will leave you for the competitor, isn’t it? So if really you are a good employer you must ensure you pay at the industry rate. You do what is called salary survey within the industry and so you can talk about reasonable salary across board, within industry. And of course we used Government as the minimum payer hence the private sector had better pay higher. But now the Government salaries have gone so high that many people are now leaving private sector to join Government. So you no longer can say because you work for private sector you necessarily earn more than government. So reasonable salary levels is not a very a easy subject to deal with any more. What I also have discovered is that everybody believes they are badly paid. I have never met someone, who admitted he was well paid. That’s why, in order to be ethical, you need to check, what the going rate within your industry is, then make sure you are not below it. Day 2 Malachi 3:5 “So I will come near to you for judgment. I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive aliens of justice, but do not fear me,” When I became distribution manager at the beginning of 1990s, one of fresh graduates from Christian unions which I frequented said, ‘I am desperate for a job. I feel terrible that I still have to get pocket money from my parents’. I said, ‘there isn’t a vacancy for a graduate but I do know that in our Nairobi depot, we are requiring somebody to help us with filing. But given that you are a graduate, that’s not really a job for you. He responded, ‘no, no, Brother Ng’ang’a please help me. Anything that can stop me relying on other people’s pocket money, I am willing to do. I asked, ‘are you sure? Do you know the filing job; even a form four is too educated? The tasks are to take invoices, you put them in a file, and you lock it. It is something simple. You don’t have to have been to high school’. His argument was ‘the money we are going to pay me as a casual was bigger than the salary the government was paying some teachers’. So he went to the depot and started working. He is a Christian, he is a graduate, even the depot manager is happy that he is doing a good job. But you know what? As soon as he arrived he found somebody from his university who had now gotten a job earlier to fill a vacancy as a marketing rep. And sales people are given cars because you can’t work in the job without a car. For them the car is called a tool of trade. So as soon as you are employed the company gives you a car on loan and of course you use your mileage to pay back. And then the salary is of course not double, but triple or four times what this guy is earning. And you were in the same class. They are now working together. Remember he is in the office filing. This sales rep comes saying, there is a customer who has missed a document, can you get it for me? The clerk wonders, how do I get orders from my former classmate. And remember this person, may not be cleverer than him. One day, the young man doing clerical duties rings me and tells me, “Mr. Ng’ang’a how are you? People here are telling me that they can’t believe that Ng’ang’a, a Christian, could have employed me, a graduate in the type of job that I am doing’. So I said, ‘and what are you telling them?’ He is not saying I am underpaid, he is saying, people are saying he is under paid. How can a manager who is born again surely put you in such a job. His reply, “You know to be honest, this type of job is not for graduate By the way this job was not the problem, it was the salary, it is so little, the money I am earning is so little, I can understand what they are saying’ . I asked him, ‘young man, what do you think is the appropriate value of that job? Employers don’t pay qualifications of people, they pay for tasks done. In other words you don’t look at a person and say, you worth twenty thousand, but you are only worth two thousand. The normal procedure for this is called job evaluation.HR will study the task and its complexity in order to agree the type of manpower you require and its competencies. There is a system in HR to do job evaluation so that you arrive at a certain value and given that value, that’s how you set the salary level. Salaries are gauged on complexities of the job. So you don’t pay a person, you pay the job he is doing. So that even if you have a PhD, if you do messenger work, what you get there is a salary for messenger. You will not get the salary of a professor when you are doing the job of the messenger because it is not a person paid; it is a job that he is doing that is paid. So I asked the boy, do you want a donation from your employer? If you are doing a job whose value is x, do you want the company to donate to you additional money? Are you begging? Be honest. What exactly do you want? It is true the sales rep is earning a lot of money but then his job is meeting senior people and negotiating with them. The complexity of the job deserves what he is getting. Do you remember what we agreed when you came to my office? I told you this is not a job for you. And you told me you still wanted to do it. I gave you the job but also allowed you to resign without notice as soon as you found a better job. That the day you will have a better job, please don’t report to the depot…I will explain to the depot manager myself. So why are you now complaining? If you found a better alternative, why would you be there?’ I allowed him to choose whether to leave or stay Day 3 Matthew 20:8-10 8 “When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.’9 “The workers who were hired about the eleventh hour came and each received a denarius. 10 So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius I initially thought the issue of employing over qualified staff on low job was a small matter. Another time we were in a management meeting and one of the others managers brought up the issue. I think the matter had gone up the grape vine… that Ng’ang’a was employing graduates to do very junior jobs. Actually all I had employed were casuals since permanent staff was employed by the HR for the various departments, so the issue came up in management about why it is bad to give a job to somebody overqualified. I told them. “I am very clear in my mind. This is a person who needs pocket money. He is literally idle at home totally unable to secure any job. Do I refuse him this casual job just because he is over qualified? How can you punish somebody for being educated? The man can do the job in question to the employer’s satisfaction, and he will not be paid any more than the less educated competitor for the job. I am not giving him a long term job; it is just a contract for his pocket money as he continues job hunting. So why should I refuse him the job just because he is overqualified?’ Some people however felt that it may be seen as exploiting the youth and any way they may even fail to perform well because they are not motivated by the same money that would motivate another less qualified. We debated the matter until finally a decision was taken… let’s not take people in jobs where they are over qualified. In my heart I didn’t quite agree with it but that’s what finally was agreed and I followed it thereafter. The fear people have is that if you give a job requiring a form four, to a graduate, he will come and do it, but within 2 months will be dissatisfied, he may even end up stealing from you. So please leave it for the form four. You can see it is a complicated debate, isn’t it? But it comes from that misunderstanding of thinking that you are being paid a salary for your qualification. It is the job you do being paid. So it is the task you do that determines your salary. So even if you are very qualified, and the vacancy available at that time is this lower one, and you willingly apply, you are interviewed and you are even found overqualified but you are given the job, do you think they will give you more money because of your qualifications? Secondly, note that your first class honors degree will not lead to faster promotions. Certificates help you to enter, what happens after that depends on performance. You just keep saying, ‘you know I have an MBA. I am the only person in this department with an MBA’. Your MBA is totally irrelevant after joining the organization. It only did its job of helping you enter. Remember there were a B.com and an MBA in the interview. You entered because you had an MBA and the other one had only got a B. Com. Once you are inside, it is performance that counts. That’s one of the things I found very interesting as a manager. I evaluated the people who came to work in my division. I know this guy has first class honours, he had a pass but did very well in the interview. Both of them were employed. Within no time we note the guy with first class honours cannot produce results as shown by his score card. There are things clearly that are measured by a score card. So in the first year the pass degree holder is on gets twenty percent salary increase, the other one gets only what we call cost of living increase. e.g. 5%. So already within the first year, the salaries are different by fifteen percent. And he had a pass and you hade first class honours. Except HR who has the file, even your boss might not know how well you did in school. They might never need to see the certificates, so they look at the way you perform, not aware you had an MBA when you entered. Thus you need to know that at entry the certificate is important, what happens after that is depends on how you perform. … I am saying all this to communicate that I understand the commitment to pay reasonable wages is important but complicated. But we were saying that an ethical employer will not pay employees less than he should. Day 4 Ecclesiastes 4:9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: An organization that is ethical will seek synergies to impact the broader society We next want to say that an employer, an organization, that is ethical will seek synergies to impact the broader society. You may not influence the whole nation not to operate unethically but you can at least aim to impact your competitors, in your industry? In other words, it is not enough for you to be an organization of integrity; you must be committed to use available opportunities to influence the rest of your type of industry to be ethical, responsible citizens of the country. So you should look for synergy, ways of working with others in your industry, to impact the whole industry. There are areas you must compete, but there are other areas where if you work with others in a similar area, you are likely to help industry. We are saying, work with rather than against others in your sector to benefit society. For example, we currently have fifty seven oil companies in Kenya, who really have cut throat competition, really outdoing each other but there are areas they have agreed to work together. That’s why they have Petroleum Institute of East Africa, where they have agreed to come together for common good to themselves and society. Like the time when there was the Sachangwan petroleum tanker fire that killed over 100, they all contributed money into a kitty to put adverts on the T V to educate “wananchi” about oil tanker accidents. And that way they were working together to help the country without necessarily gaining as for business. We are saying that if you have integrity, you will be that type of a person who is going to help organize them to do well. If you are in a neighborhood and they are trying to create a security system so that everybody can benefit, you will not be that person who refuses to pay your contributions because you are looking for ways of working together with others in the neighborhood, together with others in the society to create benefit for society. Similarly, if you find an organization where the industry is working together in order to benefit society and it says, “me I don’t have that kind of money, I am not going to be involved.” It will not be regarded as an organization of integrity. Day 5 James 5:4 Look! The wages you failed to pay the workmen who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty Develop employees and grow their competence Next, an organization with integrity develops employees and grows their competence. In other words employer regards employees as stakeholders who must fully benefit from the business. So you think in terms of giving them not just a salary, but also that because they work in the organization, each is left a better person than the way they came in. I left campus in the seventies. East Africa Industries, which is currently called Unilever had a commitment, to develop marketing professional for the East Africa market. They used to come to university to identify possible employees. I was told they would employ more than required employees, with the assumption that after two years, they would have gone through a training program, and could leave and work for other companies who did not have a training program. This was an impressive CSR project from the biggest consumer goods company. They offered me the 1st job interview after campus. When we went for the interview they told us, we will take about twenty of you, but only five of you will be remain here after two years. That means after we give you training, some of you should look for a job somewhere else. I don’t know how many organizations do that kind of thing, where you are totally committed to developing people and you measure your success as an organization by how well you have helped people. After ten years with you they are much more competent to do bigger jobs or to start bigger organizations .The country will be the richer because of an increase in experienced business professionals. If you have integrity, you will not want somebody to go out of your employment after five years to do the same job they could have done when they entered. Just as a point of digression, recently I have given a series on men. One Sunday I was talking to them about man as a husband and the next I was talking to them about man as a leader. I was telling them that one of the critical things about man old enough to marry, is the fact that he is given a girl to marry who is at the age of may be twenty five, so that by the time the girl is thirty five, ten years later, he must ask himself, what major has he made to that girl? Okay the shape may have changed with the birth of children from a figure eight, to near drum shape, but that is not the progression I am talking about. I was telling them, if you truly are a responsible man, that woman in ten years must be a better woman. There are things she can do she could not before. So the commitment of a man is to develop that girl until even her mother cannot recognize her because of the better person she has progressed to be. If she came to you and she could not cook ugali properly, you could even take her for a course. When she visits her mother’s home, she makes ugali, and mother says, what happened? When you were in my house, your ugali, used to be like soil. What happened? What have you done to develop the person who reports to you from what they were to what they are? Many, many marriages, Believe in PHD— “Pull Her Down”….as soon as you marry you start going down. One woman came to speak to me afterwards, and asked, so what do you do with a husband who is a blocker, not allowing you to move upwards. In Kenya because of men being blockers, most women who become anything big, are not married. Am I right? You just go to who is who in Kenya, you might not hear of a husband. They used to have but they have dumped them. Because it sounds like for a Kenyan man, for a woman to progress, they must dump the man. There is no other way they will ever go forward. This is not a biblical world view. God created a man to help the woman to rise. Similarly God makes you an entrepreneur so that you benefit those who work for you. So what we are saying is, even for an organization, there must be a commitment to develop staff, the salary is not enough. I still remember somebody about twenty years ago who came to me for advice. He had a job with a small organization which was paying more money, there was also opportunity in Kenya Power & Lighting and it was paying less. Where should he go? I told him I wouldn’t have any difficulty knowing where to go. You go to Kenya Power & Lighting because the have a manpower development program. For the first two years, they have a training programme for engineers. If you go to this small one, you will be a manager from day one. That’s why they are paying you more money to cover your supervision tasks. But in the process there will be no development, you have reached your end. Can you imagine what you will be after two years of training, moving from department to department? If I were you I would go to Kenya Power & Lighting. Twenty years later, he is one of the senior managers in Kenya Power & Lighting. Kenya Power & Lighting is committed to developing its own manpower. So what we are saying is, an organization with integrity, may not do it as Kenya Power & Lighting, but there must be something they do to develop staff. It may include but not limited to paying school fees for MBA. It may be you create a programme where somebody begins this job, then does it for two years, then they are moved elsewhere for two years, and then moved to another place for two years. Even if they are not getting any promotion, their skills and CV is getting richer, isn’t it? So that’s what we are saying. I keep encouraging young men, every three years ask for opportunities for growth transfer even if no promotion chances are available. Look for opportunity to do something that is more difficult, because having done something for three years; you know how to do it. If you go to the other one, although the salary is exactly the same, it will develop your muscle. So by the time you actually move upward, you are very skilled. So I am not talking about necessarily being taken for a course. I am talking about creating opportunity for staff to gain competences, not just degrees, not certificates but competences so that at the end one can say, I can do this, I can do that. Developing employees and growing their competence should be a commitment of any man of integrity. Why? The better they are the better the organization will be. A few of them may still leave you but those who remain will be the richer. Number two, a few of them will leave but you will not miss them because even the ones below were already developed. This is the dividing line between an organization that has integrity and an organization without integrity, which just exploits staff. Day 6 Exodus 20 12 “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. Respect the dignity of the individual and the right of employees to freedom of association. Any organization that feels because they have employed you they can make personal life decisions for you has no integrity. The supervisors says, I saw you interested in that girl, can’t you see that’s not your type?’ Remember, you are just my employer, you don’t decide whom I marry. That is what cults do. So you must give staff independence. Any organization that becomes cultic is not an organization of integrity because God created every man with capacity to decide for him/her self. So as a supervisor, when I talk to you, I should not talk like I can order you because I am the boss. I can make a suggestion but I must give you the freedom to refuse it, especially when it is an area outside work. When it comes to your job description, you must certainly work as agreed with your boss. Other matters, an organization must be very careful about them. That’s why for example you cannot have activities every weekend. That way making sure your female staff cannot get a boyfriend outside the organization. You need to be allowed time here and time out so that you have the freedom, as to who you associate with. But of course there is a bigger issue of whether we are talking about preventing employees from joining trade unions. But more importantly an organization of integrity does not control the mind of its employees. But the truth is, if you are in a good organization, chances are if you have an issue that is disturbing you, you are likely to ask your boss, or you will ask somebody older within the organization for advice. But it is your choice, not a command. In the nineteen seventies there was something called the pyramid practiced by very radical Christian's. The pyramid is meant as a discipleship process in the Christian circles. It meant that every born again person must have what was called a cover. God does not deal with you directly. You know Catholicism can come in many forms, and this sounds like it but among Pentecostals. You could not do anything without your cover giving you permission. The way it became a pyramid is because at a lower level you have more people. You start in a fellowship with their leader as their cover. The fellowship leaders also have a cover, and their covers also have covers …., until you have a ‘pope’. That’s why it is a pyramid shape. Some groups agreed to sell tier houses and live a community at Karen in Nairobi. Finally the thing could not work and they lost their money. They had to begin again from scratch financially. Any organization, even a church, where the leader is determining your thoughts is not one with integrity. Since even the leader is fallen creature why does he think others cannot be right to correct him from wrong. It is a very risky thing. That’s one of the greatest marks of a cult, a leader in control. I normally tell young people, when you go to church and you hear a pastor keep saying, ‘my church, my church’, ask yourself, what am I doing in his church? Because the only church you should join is the church of Jesus Christ. So if it is his church, he is not wrong in controlling you. It is you who is wrong in joining him. Why did you go to someone with personal property? You saw on TV how even a big church like the crystal Cathedral; can go down under a family leadership, with others seeming unable to help. The famous reformed church seems to have been bought by a Catholic Church. A Muslim could have bought it since the bank just needed money. Bankrupt megachurch Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, Calif. is changing faith traditions. The Roman Catholic Dioceses of Orange is purchasing the church’s 40-acre property with its towering glass building for $57.5 million in a deal approved by a bankruptcy court judge Thursday. The megachurch, founded by television evangelist Robert H. Schuller in 1955, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in October last year to restructure its staggering debt. The founder’s son, Robert A. Schuller, took over the church until he was forced out, in part, by family members who reportedly disagreed with Schuller’s leadership. The younger Schuller, now chairman of FamilyNet media company, had the highest salary at the church when it went bankrupt at $196,478, the Orange County Register reported. The current congregants of Crystal Cathedral will have to find a new place of worship though dozens attended the six-hour hearing pleading to call off a sale of the property[1] Can you imagine that is the work of sixty years of the old man who founded it and is still alive? He was great blessing to millions around the world. What do you think went wrong? I guess it is the organizational structure and philosophy, not the message they sent out. You need to understand that when we are talking about an organization where one man is so revered he can control individuals, chances of withstanding challenges are reduced. We are saying that the organization must respect the dignity of the individual. That’s why there needs to be a contract that clearly states what is it the organization expects from the staff , and what the staff expect of the employer. Outside that, you must give people freedom to be themselves. They have a right to decide who to associate with outside the organization. An employee is not a slave but a willing stakeholder. He came willingly and can also leave willingly. He is not your son. Even for family structure, a son needs freedom to think if he is mature. I was telling fathers in the church, any father with a grown up son that he continues to control, he is a father outside God’s way because God does not expect grown up children to be controlled by their parents. Nowhere does the scripture say that a grown up son should obey his father. Yes the bible says even grown up children honour their fathers, but children are told to obey. By the time you become an employee, you are an adult, because according to the laws of this country, children are not allowed to be employees. So neither as a father nor as a boss are you allowed to control an adult. You must allow him to be independent. I used to work in Kisumu, and my wife was teaching in a high school, A-level economics. One of the other teachers said he knew me. She said, how? I said he was in the leadership of the CU at college in Nairobi where I was speaker frequently. But now he was not a Christian as far my wife could see. He explained that, after graduation, when he arrived home, he discovered the parents had already organized whom he was to marry, and the parents were not Christians. Remember he was a serious brother in the C.U (Christian Union) . So he told my wife, what could I do? This girl is not a Christian but is the one that my mother has told me to marry, so I obeyed. But the girl does not even want to go to church, so we no longer go to church. Now he started blaming it all on obeying the parents. This is really lack of biblical teaching, isn’t it? He was following tribal traditions, not Christianity. Like my mother died in her eighties, I am about sixty, in the African traditions; I am still supposed to obey her. But that’s not the bible. The bible teaches after, the age of twenty, a child is held accountable for all his decisions. Below the age of twenty, a child is not held accountable. How do I know? When people crossed the Red Sea and saw the mighty works of God, and then in the wilderness, some of them disobeyed, God held children innocent. Remember all of them disobeyed, but only the ones who were above twenty were held accountable. How could God do such miracles for them and they disobey? As a punishment none of the adults would reach Canaan except Joshua and Caleb. But anybody who was nineteen and a half or below when they crossed the Red Sea was allowed to go to Canaan. As long as you are a child, below twenty, you are supposed to obey your parents. So when your parents tell you to disobey, they are held accountable. But when you are above twenty, if your parents tell you to disobey, and you follow them, God ignores them and punishes you. You made up your own mind after listening to them. What my adult daughter does, she takes responsibility. I am just a consultant to her. At times she follows my advice, but sometimes she does the opposite thing. I accept it because I know I am not supposed to have power over her after she has become a grown up. But many fathers don’t accept it because we were born by parents who never allowed us to become adults. So we are parents who are not allowing others to mature. We want to think for them. But please check the scriptures. When the New Testament talks about parents being obeyed, it addresses it to children. If it had removed the word children and say, people obey your parents, then even at 60 you must only do what your parents tell you. However, even at the age of sixties and my mother in the eighties, I am not allowed to dishonour her because at whatever age, however old your parents are, you must never dishonour them. So sometimes they will tell you something and you disagree with them. The way you disagree will determine whether you are honouring them. You don’t tell them, ‘that’s nonsense mum’. How can you say that? That is not the way to talk to somebody you honour, isn’t it? You might have, like Nathan talking to king David, have to approach the issue from far. But you say it in such an honourable manner that the parents are happy with you although you said no. That’s what we are talking about. We are not suggesting that you should not listen to your boss but he should give you the freedom to disagree with him honorably. Allow individuals to be individuals. Also an employer must not take over the management of employees outside the job description or the work policy manual. And the manual itself must not say things it should not be saying. Respect the individual dignity of each employee. That means that if he wants to join a trade union you should not stop him. However if you are treating him well and he trusts you he might choose not to belong to one. Day 7 James 5:4 Look! The wages you failed to pay the workmen who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty Partner and outsource services from organizations that uphold the same ethical values and practices as the corporate The first time I heard the word outsourcing corruption, it was from Christian CEO. He said many big corporate organizations cannot be caught with any corruption because they never do it. All the activities that require any corruption are outsourced. For example clearing and forwarding, you don’t do it because you cannot get anything from the port without corruption. You employ a guy whom you know will do whatever is necessary to clear your imports. When you are asked, are you corrupt? No, never, check my accounts. But you know that the quotation of the clearing and forwarding agent included money to bribe. That’s why you did not give the lowest bid; you gave somebody you know can do the job properly. How do you do the job properly? -By paying bribes. That is called outsourcing corruption. Because although you are not the one giving the bribe, you are the one paying the briber, isn’t it? This is a very difficult issue. You must not only be a person of integrity but you must also not work with a person who has no integrity. If he is openly corrupt, and you contract him, then you also corrupt. He even comes and tells you, “Mombasa I have no difficulties clearing goods . If you are ever caught by the police, just talk to me. I deal with the very top’. How does he deal with the top? What does he actually do to deal with the top? He must be using something to influence them. And that’s the guy you are giving work? That is called outsourcing corruption. In other words you are the one who is corrupt, it is only you have given the job to another person to be corrupt on your own behalf. You cannot call yourself a person of integrity when you know very well the people you are paying are using your money to do corrupt things. However, after saying that, there are people that you are dealing with who may be corrupt, and you are not aware. Not even that, it is possible your own employee is corrupt. That’s why we must also talk about personal integrity rather than, organizational integrity. It is possible you can have organizational integrity without individual integrity. So it is possible for an organization to do its best to have integrity yet some employees or agents don’t have integrity. Although in a court of law the organization is held guilty, it is being held responsible for things the employees are doing that they have no means of finding out. But we are saying, you must investigate your staff and agents to discourage corruption. Like being in charge of operations I had a lot of contractors. So we actually created clauses where if you entered into a contract with us, you gave permission to audit you, so that I can find out how you run your own things. We go and check your books, check how you do your own things in order to be sure what you do will not make us responsible for evil things. So it is an issue that one needs to think about. You go to Gikomba low price market and you find an item which in town it is costing twenty thousand shillings, but costing only one thousand in Gikomba. You don’t ask yourself, how come you can buy the same item at one thousand shillings? Might he have stolen so that he can sell it at a thousand shillings? But my brother instead you buy and you come back saying, the Lord blessed me. It is true, you have bought it cheaply, but you need to ask yourself, might there be a possibility that things are being stolen in town, being sold in Gikomba and you are enjoying the cheap price. You are buying something from somebody who is not paying tax. You cannot claim to have integrity without paying a true cost of your supplies. It will reduce your profits but according to God’s word, when you live a life of integrity, you are assured of his blessings. And so the choice is, do you want to get money at any cost or do you want the blessings of God? So we must do due diligence of business partners to ensure they do not become corrupt on our behalf. Associate with people who have similar values even if it will cost your business more. Past meditations: www.johnnganga.org