J. N. N. Ng'ang'a Meditations - Finding a life partner (Part 3) - 11th - 17th Feb 2013

Past meditations: www.johnnganga.org J. N. N. Ng’ang’a – Meditations for the week of Feb 11 - 17 2013 Finding a life partner (Part 3) Day 1 Romans 1:26 26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion. How does the Lord finally reveal who it is he has chosen for you to marry? You know you are called to marry but who do you marry? Assuming that all human beings are candidates makes it overwhelming to know who to marry. Below we want to use the biblical message about who to marry to increasingly smaller circles s that keep reducing the candidates until only a few are left. These biblical principles are already clear in the scriptures. First remove those from your genders from potential life partners In the circle you remain with all humans who are not of your gender. If you are a man, then you are not allowed to find another man, however attracted you are to another man. I am not talking about how to find your life partner, and another man cannot be your life partner, according to God’s word. If you are a man, then it must be a woman. Romans 1 God’s Wrath Against Mankind 18 The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19 since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse… 26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion. So clearly the above passage shows God does not allow homosexuality. To the Bible the resurgence of homosexuality is sign that God gave them over to shameful lusts due to their sinfulness. If you are going to marry, and you are a girl and feel attracted to another girl, ask for prayer of deliverance and God will help you. You may have a liking for someone’s car but you do not go ahead and steal it, instead you seek spiritual help to deal with the temptation. Many Christian girls are seeking to be married to Christian men but when none is available yet their sexual urge pushes them, what should they do. What is the biblical thing to do? The answer is there is no excuse to disobey something God has commanded against. The Christian girl must seek help to deal with sexuality until God gives her a Christian man to marry. Similarly the homosexual has no excuse just because of sexual urge to disobey God. If you are going to marry, let it be someone of the opposite sex. So the first issue is excluding all those of your gender from being candidates for marriage. This reduces the choice by half. The first circle has already been drawn; the choice is only within the circle called opposite sex. Day 2 1 Corinthians 6:9 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders This subject has become so controversial that at the risk of making this meditation lengthy I will paste a testimony from one has experienced this challenge This is the story of Jonathan, Director of True Freedom Trust. November 2009 I was brought up in a loving, moral, church-going family and benefitted from Christian input at Sunday school from a very early age. From around about the age of 10 or 11, I became very conscious of being attracted, both emotionally and physically, to my male school friends rather than to my female school friends. I hadn’t chosen to have those feelings and I spent most of my teenage years fighting against them and tormenting myself with guilt over them. Finally, aged 17, I reluctantly started to identify myself, inwardly at least, as being gay. Gay certainly wasn’t what I wanted to be and I would have loved at that stage to have been able to talk through my feelings with someone. But there was no-one I felt I could turn to. Not my parents, not my friends and certainly no-one at church. The only times that I’d ever heard Christians talking about homosexuality were always in very condemning, harsh, judgmental ways. Finding no way to reconcile my vague kind of faith with my sexuality, I decided I had no option but to leave the church and to try to find a partner. I’d heard and read that gay people were very promiscuous, with many sexual partners, but that certainly wasn’t what I wanted. I was searching for love, for a special someone to share my life with. I soon met a guy of my own age and over a period of time we fell in love and entered into a long-term, committed relationship together, a relationship that was completely hidden from all my family, friends and colleagues. As I look back, I can see that God didn’t reject or abandon me during the seven years that I lived in a gay relationship. He was very gracious and merciful and gave me continual reminders of His existence and of His desire to be right at the centre of my life. Slowly but surely He convicted me of the wrong decision that I’d made as a teenager to get involved in a gay relationship, and He brought me to faith in Jesus Christ, aged 24. My actual conversion was a pretty dramatic, sudden affair. It was initiated by my walking into Lansdowne Baptist Church in Bournemouth one Sunday morning in a state of some turmoil. This followed a prolonged period where I just sensed God’s hand pressing down on me in judgment. It’s what I call my Psalm 32 experience; God’s hand heavy upon me, day and night, sapping my strength until I finally acknowledged my sin to Him. It was in that state of feeling under God’s judgment that I turned up at Lansdowne Baptist Church. Why there? Well because for some years I’d lived right opposite that church with my partner and had often noticed how happy, joyful and peaceful people looked as they came out of the church building Sunday by Sunday. It was as if they had something that I was lacking, and to put it bluntly, I was jealous! I don’t recall anything at all about the specifics of the service that Sunday. The only thing that struck me quite powerfully was the thought that ‘God is in this place.’ After the service, I was approached by the Minister for Pastoral Care who chatted with me and suggested that I looked like I needed someone to talk to. My pride was tempted to say, “What me, in need? Who are you kidding? I’m fine!” But the reality was that by this stage I was a broken man, so how could I possibly turn down the offer of someone to talk with? The very next week we met up and he sat me down and offered me a cup of tea (a very English thing to do!) Before I told him anything about me or my life, he simply asked did I mind if he read something to me from the Bible. My reaction was, ‘sure, whatever’. I wasn’t really bothered, having no idea, of course, at that stage of the power of God’s word to pierce a human heart! As he read these verses from Jeremiah Chapter 29, they cut right into my heart like a sword. I know it’s a little bit of a cliché but it really was as if God were speaking directly to me: “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.” Now I had already heard, understood and previously rejected the gospel, so I took those words as an immediate call to turn back to God and to put my trust fully in Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of my sins and personal salvation. I knew immediately, at that very moment of conversion without anyone having to tell me, that becoming a Christian and seeking God with all my heart meant my getting out of the gay relationship that I was involved in. That wasn’t easy, either for me or for my partner, but I knew so clearly in my heart that this was what God required. The one thing that I had longed for and strived for throughout my early childhood and teenage years (i.e. the ‘perfect’ relationship with another guy) was, in fact, holding me captive and not delivering the promised liberty and satisfaction that I craved. I also knew that God had some very positive plans for me; plans to prosper and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. And a few years after becoming a Christian I moved to London to train at Bible College. After my training I went on to serve at a church in East London for ten years, firstly as Assistant Minister and Youth Worker and subsequently as the Pastor. Throughout my early years as a Christian, I became aware of and was involved with the ministry of True Freedom Trust: firstly from the perspective of personally needing some support, encouragement and practical help to leave behind a gay lifestyle. But I later got involved on a voluntary basis too – leading a support group, pastoring and caring for fellow-strugglers, doing the Bible teaching at various conferences, and for a number of years I also served on the Board of Trustees. When I first met Martin Hallett at Spring Harvest in the mid-nineties, I had no idea that ultimately our meeting would lead, some years in the future, to my being appointed as the Director of the ministry that he co-founded 32 years ago. But little by little God began to nudge me in this direction and with the benefit of hindsight I can see that He’s been preparing me and molding me for this role from the moment of my conversion. In His perfect timing, I would be ready to take on the Director’s role at the exact point when Martin Hallett was ready to retire. The Lord finally engineered various circumstances (including using the pain of a breakdown and a period of deep depression) to bring me to the point of being willing to say ‘yes’ when the Trustees invited me to take on the role. I should state that I have not been “healed” or “cured” or “delivered” of homosexuality. My experience now is that God gives me grace daily to live a celibate and, I would stress, a very fulfilled life as a single man. My struggles with same-sex attraction did not end at conversion, as many Christians might assume. I am aware that I have "feet of clay", as we all do, and that I will have to face weaknesses as my journey continues. Those times are the opportunity for me to receive God’s mercy, love and forgiveness. He has set me free from captivity to sin, and despite my own sinful desires, he is keeping me from returning to that captivity. I’m also discovering, through my ongoing struggles with same-sex attraction the reality that God’s power is made perfect in weakness and that when I am weak, then I am strong[1] Let this testimony encourage you to know that temptation is not sin and you should not go ahead and practice homosexuality just because you feel tempted. The important thing for all of us, is to love lesbians and homosexuals just as Jesus loves them. To show them hatred is to fail the test of love that caused Jesus to love us even when we yet sinners. Not just homosexuals but we must love all sinners without loving or condoning the sin. Day 3 Mark 10 11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” Secondly exclude any one already married from your potential circle of candidates for marriage. In this smaller circle you remain only with those not of your gender who are single. The Bible says God hates divorce and so you should not try to marry someone God has already given a life partner even if they do not seem to like their life partner. Malachi 2 16 “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself[f] with violence as well as with his garment,” says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. Then in Jesus confirms this position in Mark 10 11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” So if God intends for you to be married he already has someone for you who does not have a living spouse. Avoid tempting a divorcee to marry you so that you can deal with your sexual temptation. Two wrongs do not make a right. But again Christians must avoid judgmental attitudes when dealing with divorcees. God loves them and we must as God’s children also love them. Day 4 1 Corinthians 11:39 "A woman is bound with her husband as long as she lives but if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord." Thirdly, exclude all those who are not born gain even if of opposite gender. In this yet smaller circle you remain with only with born gain people of opposite gender. That reduces the number by a big % since those born again people are always in the minority. See 2nd Corinthians 6:14-16, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do wickedness and righteousness have in common, or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belal? What does an unbeliever have in common with a believer? What agreement is there between the temple of God and Idols? For we are the temple of the living God. " Also note 1st Corinthians 11:39. "A woman is bound with her husband as long as she lives but if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord." What have we been told? If we are to marry the person, they must be in the Lord. And the other verse asks you, what association is there between Belal and Christ. The line has been drawn, very clearly. If you think that you are getting attracted to a woman or someone that does not belong to the Lord, deal with it as just temptation that must be overcome. Do not marry them or encourage any romance. Why because if she belongs to the devil, when you marry her then who shall be your father-in-law? - The devil. We have been told, marry only a person that belongs to the Lord. If God is leading you, he will not lead you to an unbeliever. God never contradicts his word the Bible. You will know very well the attraction is from the devil if you feel attracted to a non-Christian. You must fight the attraction as hard as possible. You must never allow yourself to develop a romantic relationship with a man or a woman that is not saved. I want to tell you that the day that you get involved, the day you actually fall in, no amount of preaching seems to reach such a fallen individual. I remember one of the evangelists we were preaching with, got attracted to a non-Christian. When we decided to talk to her against it, her reaction was, ‘save your time, I have been preaching with you. These things you are telling me are the same I have been telling others. Save them for other people, there was nothing you could tell me to affect my love for this man.’ And the man was there, not even pretending to be a Christian. He was there smoking and blowing the smoke at these Christian ladies. He wanted them to understand very well, that he was not wooing her from Christ; she was the one that had chosen to backslide. He was not the one tempting her; she is the one that had chosen to backslide. She was saying that she had a call from God to marry the non-Christian. Was God contradicting his word? Can God contradict His word? No, you need to understand that if the guy does not belong to the Lord, and the Bible does not contradict itself, then there is no way that you can marry a non-Christian and claim God instructed you. Day 5 Nehemiah 13 23 Moreover, in those days I saw men of Judah who had married women from Ashdod, Ammon and Moab. 24 Half of their children spoke the language of Ashdod or the language of one of the other peoples, and did not know how to speak the language of Judah. 25 I rebuked them and called curses down on them. I beat some of the men and pulled out their hair. I made them take an oath in God’s name and said: “You are not to give your daughters in marriage to their sons, nor are you to take their daughters in marriage for your sons or for yourselves. In the 1970's, there were very few girls in the university in Kenya but those few that were there, even in CU, had trouble getting husbands, because people feared graduate girls. They said that they could not make good, obedient wives due to being senior where they were likely to work. I remember my non-Christian friends telling me that, ‘I cannot marry a graduate girl except if she is saved’ and they would come to the Christian Union meetings, to try their luck. I used to tell them that it is technically impossible for you as a non-Christian man, to marry a Christian girl, and they would say no. I can remember saying, ‘you try, but it is technically impossible for you as a non-Christian boy to marry a Christian girl’. The word of God is clear, if she accepts to marry you, what you will finally marry is a backslider- A former Christian. The day she says yes to a non-Christian, is the day she says no to God. The day the words will be yes to you, it will be the same time she will be saying no to God. So who shall he be marrying, a backslider. And I used to tell my non-Christian friends, it is better to marry a non-Christian girl that has been going to dance and is looking forward to settling. Now this backslider might actually start moving out in your marriage rather than settling. A backslider might be far much worse than a non-Christian. I hope that you are getting my point. It is difficult to marry a non-Christian as a Christian: it is impossible because, the day you marry her or him, you will not be a Christian marrying a non-Christian, it will be a backslider marrying a non-Christian. So the day you say yes to that boy, it will be no to God who commands you not to be unequally yoked with the non-Christian. So do not beat about the bush. When you feel that you want to marry a non-Christian tell us the truth that you have chosen to backslide. Don't say that, ‘I am marrying a boy, although he does not say that he is saved, he is just about to get saved’. That is what people like to say. I remember a girl telling me, I am getting married to a non-Christian but since he became my boyfriend now he has been to church three times. In other words, he was not attending church but now that he is my boyfriend, there has been a lot of progress; he has attended church three times. Those people actually went ahead and married and they have had a lot of trouble in their marriage. She did not understand that technically a Christian cannot marry a non-Christian. You are only a backslider marrying a non-Christian. Did you see in above verses that the Bible is clear? You can marry any one of the opposite gender, but he must belong to the Lord. So if he does not belong to the Lord then you will have said no to the Lord before you marry him. So the people you can marry are now in a much smaller circle of only saved girls if you are a boy or saved boys if you are girl. But the target group is an even smaller circle. Day 6 Matthew 22:30 At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven. Fourthly, only those the Lord makes you meet physically are candidates. In this circle you now remains with only those sisters (if you are brother) who the Lord brings your way in fellowships or professional pursuits at the time you are ready to marry You cannot marry someone spiritually. You must meet physically. Marriage is not just a spiritual affair. You cannot marry someone in Japan, when you have no passport out of Kenya. You must meet, somehow. OK, I know that there were photograph marriages at Nyayo stadium, in Nairobi, but that is not a Christian marriage. In a Christian marriage you cannot marry a photograph; it must be physical person. Jesus told of a lady who married 7 brothers one after the others with each dying. In heaven whose wife shall she be out of the seven brothers? Jesus replied, in heaven there is no marriage, we shall all be like angels. So marriage is an earthly affair. Do not tell your wife that even if we are not happy here, do not worry there is heaven to go to. If you marry her, let her enjoy marriage here. If she does not enjoy marriage here, she will not enjoy marriage anywhere because marriage is an earthly affair. That is why we normally say of newlyweds that they will be together until 'death do us part'. After death, that is the end of marriage. You know sometimes people seem to continue being married to the dead. That is terrible, if I die, my wife is free, because according to the scriptures, marriage has ended. She should not be controlled by what was our marriage; it is ended. You know when Paul said that one whose husband has died can marry any one; you know he was going completely against Judaism. In Judaism, you inherit wives, as written in the Old Testament. In the New Testament, you are told that once your husband has died, you can marry anyone. Not necessarily your husband’s relative, as long as he belongs to the Lord. Our African culture is similar to Judaism. Can you see Christianity is totally different from our culture? We are told of people that even write letters to the dead husband as they continue to relate to them; that is unscriptural. The widows are advised that if you feel that you are missing your husband, write a letter to him. But the Bible is clear, that there shall be no communication between the dead and the living. If your husband has died, he is dead, he is gone, seek Gods healing and then, enjoy your life as the Lord leads you. Remember marriage is an earthly physical affair. So if your wife has died, she has died, if your husband has died, he is gone, live your life for the Lord. The Bible says to be absent in the body is to be present with the Lord. The day I stop breathing, do not worry where I am, I will be with the Lord. So God will have to bring to your face, the person that you will actually marry. Yes, you shall have to meet him or her physically. It has to be someone that you meet physically. We shall draw yet another smaller circle of people you can marry. Day 7 Ecclesiastes 9:9 Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun Fifthly, somebody you love. This circle is really very small. In this circle you remain only with sisters you have met who you feel attracted to. Not all the boys you are in fellowship with, that you have met physically, are potential husbands. If God is leading you to marry a brother, he will give you love for him however ugly he is. But you need wisdom if we are to make such a lifetime decision. Ephesians 5: 15-16 says: "Be careful then how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish but understand what the will of the Lord is." After being told what the current days are like, we go on and read verse 33, "However, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." So we are being told to be wise, and what is to be wise? It includes, loving your spouse. Remember this is command - husbands must love their wives. So if you cannot love the girl, God cannot be leading you to marry her. You cannot respect a person you do not love. Love will cover a multitude of weaknesses. So once a girl loves a boy she will respect him irrespective of his weaknesses. So, if you do not love a person that is one indication that God is not likely to be leading you to that person. If he is leading you to her, he will give you love. Sister, if he is leading you to him, he will give you love for him. We are being told that if you are to marry, then you must love each other. It is a biblical requirement for all married couples. So do not feel like now that the Pastor says that I look good, and he lost his wife why not go and look after his children. No, sympathy is not the requirement; it is that you must love that pastor. You can go and look after his children, just like a maid, but then not as a wife. If you are to be a wife, then you must love him.