by Creflo Dollar
All of us are in need of healing. The question is: why? The answer to that question can be located through an understanding of the fall of mankind. When Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, something monumental took place, and not in a good way. Not only did a curse come upon the earth as a result of their disobedience, but the curse of being emotionally ruled also affected the soul of man in an unprecedented way—the curse of being emotionally-ruled. From that point on, the mind, will, and emotions of men would be fragmented and broken as a result of their sin nature. Fear and selfishness would now dominate people’s thinking, and they would have the tendency to be ruled by their emotions instead of the Word of God and the Spirit of God. God wants to heal the brokenness of our souls and get us to the point where we are no longer ruled by our feelings. The truth is, the reason we react to hurt, rejection, and pain the way we do is because we are coming from a position of being already broken in our souls. However, when we realize that God has redeemed our emotions and made us whole through our relationship with Jesus Christ, the things that once had the power to hurt us cannot affect us in the same way anymore. A “whole” heart cannot be broken. In order to get to the place where we are whole in our souls, we must first accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, and then begin the process of renewing our minds with the Word of God. When God heals your heart, nothing can break it, but reclaiming that position of wholeness in Him means we must be consistent in our pursuit of the Word. Spending time meditating on the reality of God’s healing power, and who we are in Christ, is essential to repairing the broken soul. Ephesians 3:20 says, “Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us.” God’s power, which is His love, is working within us right now! His love is mending our broken hearts and repairing what has been damaged by sin. As our thoughts become aligned with God’s Word, His highest and best will begin to take shape in our lives. We must know we are unconditionally loved by God in order to truly become whole again. The blood of Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice, which brought the mind, will, and emotions back into fellowship with the Father. There is nothing we can do that will separate us from His love. Our part is to be completely transparent with God about our issues rather than to try and mask them. We must also recognize that God’s grace and mercy are on hand to carry us through the personal challenges we experience in our souls. Nothing is too hard for Him. Sin and brokenness has already been overcome. Our job is to hide in Christ to receive the freedom, deliverance, and healing that has been made available to us. I encourage you to examine your heart for any areas that may be wounded and broken. Bring those things to God, and receive the full benefits of salvation, which include healing of the soul.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Becoming a Servant
by Creflo Dollar
One of the major ways we demonstrate our new life in Christ is by becoming a servant, which means to commit ourselves to living for God instead of ourselves. In other words, we become God-focused instead of self-focused. As servants, we are willing to be inconvenienced for the sake of advancing the Kingdom of God. Jesus lived a life of servanthood. His servant’s heart was demonstrated in everything He did and everywhere He went. Everyone He came in contact with was affected by His determination to serve God and others. Before He was crucified, He showed His love for His disciples by washing their feet. John 13:3-5, 12 -14 describes the scene: Jesus knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he was come from God, and went to God; He riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself. After that he poureth water into a basin, and began to wash the disciples’ feet, and to wipe them with the towel wherewith he was girded…So after he had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done to you? Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet. It is evident that Jesus had no problem taking on a servant’s role. When we become Christians, we have a responsibility to adopt a lifestyle that demonstrates the character of Jesus Christ. The foundation of Christianity is love because God is love. When we learn to become servants, we build our character and cultivate the love of God in our hearts. God has always shown His love to us through serving us. His ultimate act of servanthood was sending Jesus to die for our sins (John 3:16). This great act of serving mankind is why we, in turn, should serve Him and others. Here are some characteristics of servanthood: 1. Servants make themselves available to God to serve. 2. Servants do what is needed, even when it is inconvenient. 3. Servants see interruptions as opportunities to practice serving others. 4. Servants pay attention to the needs of others. 5. No task is beneath a servant. God will not force you to serve Him; the choice is yours. But you have to present yourself instead of waiting for someone to ask you to serve, or for a miraculous sign to show up. God is always concerned about the condition of your heart. Therefore, if your heart is not willing to serve Him, ask Him to help you in this area. Additionally, ask yourself, “Am I living to please God or myself? Am I concerned about what people think about me or what God thinks about me?” In doing so, you may discover other areas in which your servanthood can improve. For example, God may be leading you to demonstrate the heart of a servant with your family and friends, in your work place, in an outreach ministry, or more frequently at your church. Obey whatever He is directing you to do. He will never forget what you have done to serve Him and others. By making a quality decision to walk in His love, and place His agenda before your own, you will be a genuine demonstration of the character of Jesus, and reap rewards here on Earth and in Heaven.
One of the major ways we demonstrate our new life in Christ is by becoming a servant, which means to commit ourselves to living for God instead of ourselves. In other words, we become God-focused instead of self-focused. As servants, we are willing to be inconvenienced for the sake of advancing the Kingdom of God. Jesus lived a life of servanthood. His servant’s heart was demonstrated in everything He did and everywhere He went. Everyone He came in contact with was affected by His determination to serve God and others. Before He was crucified, He showed His love for His disciples by washing their feet. John 13:3-5, 12 -14 describes the scene: Jesus knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he was come from God, and went to God; He riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself. After that he poureth water into a basin, and began to wash the disciples’ feet, and to wipe them with the towel wherewith he was girded…So after he had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done to you? Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet. It is evident that Jesus had no problem taking on a servant’s role. When we become Christians, we have a responsibility to adopt a lifestyle that demonstrates the character of Jesus Christ. The foundation of Christianity is love because God is love. When we learn to become servants, we build our character and cultivate the love of God in our hearts. God has always shown His love to us through serving us. His ultimate act of servanthood was sending Jesus to die for our sins (John 3:16). This great act of serving mankind is why we, in turn, should serve Him and others. Here are some characteristics of servanthood: 1. Servants make themselves available to God to serve. 2. Servants do what is needed, even when it is inconvenient. 3. Servants see interruptions as opportunities to practice serving others. 4. Servants pay attention to the needs of others. 5. No task is beneath a servant. God will not force you to serve Him; the choice is yours. But you have to present yourself instead of waiting for someone to ask you to serve, or for a miraculous sign to show up. God is always concerned about the condition of your heart. Therefore, if your heart is not willing to serve Him, ask Him to help you in this area. Additionally, ask yourself, “Am I living to please God or myself? Am I concerned about what people think about me or what God thinks about me?” In doing so, you may discover other areas in which your servanthood can improve. For example, God may be leading you to demonstrate the heart of a servant with your family and friends, in your work place, in an outreach ministry, or more frequently at your church. Obey whatever He is directing you to do. He will never forget what you have done to serve Him and others. By making a quality decision to walk in His love, and place His agenda before your own, you will be a genuine demonstration of the character of Jesus, and reap rewards here on Earth and in Heaven.
Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life
by Creflo Dollar
"For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 23:7). Our thinking sets the course for our lives. If we find we are not living the abundant life Jesus died to give us, we must examine our thought life. In order to prosper God's way, our thoughts must agree with His Word. The words we are exposed to on a daily basis have a huge impact on our thinking. And the condition of our minds determines the condition of our lives. Therefore, as Believers, we must go through the process of renewing our minds with the Word of God. Then, when we have thoughts that do not line up with God's Word, we can replace them with Word-based thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5). It is the will of God for us to prosper in every way, from our health and finances to our relationships and jobs. Every area of our lives should be an expression of abundant life. However, we prosper to the degree that our souls prosper (3 John 2). The soul is where the mind, will, and emotions reside. The mind is the primary area that Satan attacks because it is the control center of our lives. Satan's attacks consist of words and images that oppose God’s Word. He wants us to doubt God and fear that His promises will never come to pass. However, we have the power to transform our lives. Romans 12:2 says, “Be not be conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” Transformation comes when we allow God’s Word to change our thinking. Many Believers wonder why their lives have not changed since they’ve been saved. The problem lies within their thinking. Many of us have nourished mindsets that oppose the Word for years and as a result, our old nature is stronger than our regenerated spirits. In order for change to occur, we must begin to nourish godly thoughts by consistently meditating on the Word. Keep in mind that change does not occur overnight; it is a process during which we must refuse to become frustrated. When we remain committed to the transformation process, we will begin to see changes takes place. Change is a lifetime endeavor, not a one-time event. My prayer is that you will continue to conform to the image of Christ by renewing your mind with God’s Word on a daily basis, so that you can truly know His good and perfect will for your life. Scripture References: Proverbs 23:7 2 Corinthians 10:5 3 John 2 Romans 12:2
"For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 23:7). Our thinking sets the course for our lives. If we find we are not living the abundant life Jesus died to give us, we must examine our thought life. In order to prosper God's way, our thoughts must agree with His Word. The words we are exposed to on a daily basis have a huge impact on our thinking. And the condition of our minds determines the condition of our lives. Therefore, as Believers, we must go through the process of renewing our minds with the Word of God. Then, when we have thoughts that do not line up with God's Word, we can replace them with Word-based thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5). It is the will of God for us to prosper in every way, from our health and finances to our relationships and jobs. Every area of our lives should be an expression of abundant life. However, we prosper to the degree that our souls prosper (3 John 2). The soul is where the mind, will, and emotions reside. The mind is the primary area that Satan attacks because it is the control center of our lives. Satan's attacks consist of words and images that oppose God’s Word. He wants us to doubt God and fear that His promises will never come to pass. However, we have the power to transform our lives. Romans 12:2 says, “Be not be conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” Transformation comes when we allow God’s Word to change our thinking. Many Believers wonder why their lives have not changed since they’ve been saved. The problem lies within their thinking. Many of us have nourished mindsets that oppose the Word for years and as a result, our old nature is stronger than our regenerated spirits. In order for change to occur, we must begin to nourish godly thoughts by consistently meditating on the Word. Keep in mind that change does not occur overnight; it is a process during which we must refuse to become frustrated. When we remain committed to the transformation process, we will begin to see changes takes place. Change is a lifetime endeavor, not a one-time event. My prayer is that you will continue to conform to the image of Christ by renewing your mind with God’s Word on a daily basis, so that you can truly know His good and perfect will for your life. Scripture References: Proverbs 23:7 2 Corinthians 10:5 3 John 2 Romans 12:2
Answers Are Waiting in His Presence
by Creflo Dollar
Do you sometimes believe that you can accomplish more on your own, without any help from God? Do you often start your day without even acknowledging His presence? If so, I want to challenge you to begin seeking Him—not just in the morning—but throughout your day. Personally, I take advantage of every opportunity I can to find a quiet place where I can be alone to talk with God, just as I would a close friend. When we cultivate a personal relationship with God, we learn that His way is always better than our own.
Often it seems as if the methods of the world are quicker and easier than God’s method; however, I know from experience that His way is always best. Following the world leads to a dead end. However, following God’s way leads to a successful, happy life.
Many times, we rush through our days, proceed with our own plans, and place our time with God on the backburner. As a result, we often travel down those dead-end roads. Only when everything else has failed do we call out to him in desperation. Although God doesn’t mind showing us mercy during those times, He would rather we seek Him first. Just as a close friend would not want to be chosen as a last resort, God doesn’t want to be our last resort either.
When we cultivate a relationship with God, we must understand that He not only wants to be an intricate part of our lives, but He also wants us to delight in the time we spend with Him. When we begin to enjoy spending time with Him, He allows us to know Him on a more intimate level. He reveals mysteries to us when we quiet ourselves and listen more intently for His voice. He will give us answers that only He can give, which will empower us to reach our fullest potential in life.
As we receive His words, we experience a peace that passes all understanding. We begin to have what I call a knowing, deep inside, that He is always there, ready to give us the revelation knowledge we need to operate in power.
In order to reach this secret place, we must keep in mind certain truths that are vital in establishing a relationship with Him. First, we must acknowledge His son, Jesus, who sacrificed His precious blood. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of acknowledging the shed blood of Jesus. It is a necessity in the life of a Believer. It is only because of Jesus’ sacrifice that we have an opportunity to cultivate a close relationship with the Father.
Also, we must love others unconditionally, because God is love. When we begin to increase our understanding of the love of God and operate in it, we will begin to experience more of Him.
Last but not least, we must learn how to cast our cares on Him, setting aside time each day to clear our minds of clutter. God is always speaking to us, but when our minds are filled with worries and concerns we cannot hear Him!
The answers to the problems you have been struggling with are waiting for you in His presence. I encourage you to begin to seek Him today. Take your relationship with the Lord to a deeper level by giving Him the opportunity to speak into your life—then quickly obey what you hear. Make spending time with Him your new daily habit. And I am confident that you will be so glad you did.
Do you sometimes believe that you can accomplish more on your own, without any help from God? Do you often start your day without even acknowledging His presence? If so, I want to challenge you to begin seeking Him—not just in the morning—but throughout your day. Personally, I take advantage of every opportunity I can to find a quiet place where I can be alone to talk with God, just as I would a close friend. When we cultivate a personal relationship with God, we learn that His way is always better than our own.
Often it seems as if the methods of the world are quicker and easier than God’s method; however, I know from experience that His way is always best. Following the world leads to a dead end. However, following God’s way leads to a successful, happy life.
Many times, we rush through our days, proceed with our own plans, and place our time with God on the backburner. As a result, we often travel down those dead-end roads. Only when everything else has failed do we call out to him in desperation. Although God doesn’t mind showing us mercy during those times, He would rather we seek Him first. Just as a close friend would not want to be chosen as a last resort, God doesn’t want to be our last resort either.
When we cultivate a relationship with God, we must understand that He not only wants to be an intricate part of our lives, but He also wants us to delight in the time we spend with Him. When we begin to enjoy spending time with Him, He allows us to know Him on a more intimate level. He reveals mysteries to us when we quiet ourselves and listen more intently for His voice. He will give us answers that only He can give, which will empower us to reach our fullest potential in life.
As we receive His words, we experience a peace that passes all understanding. We begin to have what I call a knowing, deep inside, that He is always there, ready to give us the revelation knowledge we need to operate in power.
In order to reach this secret place, we must keep in mind certain truths that are vital in establishing a relationship with Him. First, we must acknowledge His son, Jesus, who sacrificed His precious blood. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of acknowledging the shed blood of Jesus. It is a necessity in the life of a Believer. It is only because of Jesus’ sacrifice that we have an opportunity to cultivate a close relationship with the Father.
Also, we must love others unconditionally, because God is love. When we begin to increase our understanding of the love of God and operate in it, we will begin to experience more of Him.
Last but not least, we must learn how to cast our cares on Him, setting aside time each day to clear our minds of clutter. God is always speaking to us, but when our minds are filled with worries and concerns we cannot hear Him!
The answers to the problems you have been struggling with are waiting for you in His presence. I encourage you to begin to seek Him today. Take your relationship with the Lord to a deeper level by giving Him the opportunity to speak into your life—then quickly obey what you hear. Make spending time with Him your new daily habit. And I am confident that you will be so glad you did.
The Secret to Promotion
by Creflo A. Dollar
James knew he was blessed when he finally got a job offer in his field of study. Feeling that God had called him to his position; he loved everything from the people to the cafeteria food. But there was a certain task that was a thorn in his side. Whenever faced with having to complete it, he became frustrated and would rush to get it done. After three years at his job, Jim was ready to move his way up the corporate ladder, and expected to have already been promoted. But, after applying for other positions and keeping his supervisor in the loop about his desires, he still hadn't made any progress.
Despite all the things James did right on his job, and regardless of the fact that he liked where he worked, he hindered his own promotion just by not being faithful to his position in certain areas. Something as simple as performing one task in a rush, and not to the best of his ability, demonstrated his lack of faithfulness in that particular area. While he was indeed called to his place of employment for that specific time, he had continued to demonstrate a lack of faithfulness in certain areas of his job.
Proverbs 28:20 declares, "A faithful man shall abound with blessings: but he that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent." A faithful man abounds with blessings, including promotion. Faithfulness is defined as being trustworthy, dependable and loyal. Each of these characteristics is what God will expect of you no matter where He sends you. If you work as a high–powered executive, or as a maintenance man, God still expects you to do your job in excellence.
In addition to making sure you do your job well, don't let the wrong things move you away from your calling. A paycheck should not determine whether or not you're going to do what God told you to do. Neither should a difficult boss or coworker. Understand that with your simple obedience and faithfulness to do what God told you to do, He will take care of you. If you are where you are supposed to be, show yourself faithful for that season, no matter how long it lasts, and you will be rewarded.
Faithfulness is the key to your promotion. You're not going to have any increase until you can learn to be faithful with what God's given you already. The Bible declares in Psalm 75:6, 7, "For promotion cometh neither from the east, nor from the west, nor from the south. But God is the judge: he putteth down one, and setteth up another." Don't you know that if you're faithful on your job, even to the point of being more faithful than the guy who's running the company, God will promote you? He honors faithfulness.
Faithfulness even goes beyond your job; you can begin to cultivate it in your relationships and in many other areas. Find out from God's Word how to be a faithful husband or wife. If you are a student, be faithful and diligent in your studies. Be faithful with the gifts and talents God has placed in you, using them to God's glory. Be faithful to the commitments you make to other people through your words. There are so many opportunities for promotion in life when you consider all the ways in which you can demonstrate faithfulness.
Faithfulness is the only way you're going to graduate to the next level in any area of your life! When you prove yourself faithful in one area, then God opens the door for you in others. If you're stuck in a rut, show Him you'll be faithful with what you have already. He will make a way. Do what God tells you to do so you can hear Him say, "My good and faithful servant, well done. You've been faithful over the few, now I'm going to make you ruler over many!"
God wants only the very best for you and He wants to see you succeed! He’s standing by to give you the promotion that you’ve worked hard for. Visit our Bible Study Center and find resources to build your faith and aid in your meditation of the Word of God.
James knew he was blessed when he finally got a job offer in his field of study. Feeling that God had called him to his position; he loved everything from the people to the cafeteria food. But there was a certain task that was a thorn in his side. Whenever faced with having to complete it, he became frustrated and would rush to get it done. After three years at his job, Jim was ready to move his way up the corporate ladder, and expected to have already been promoted. But, after applying for other positions and keeping his supervisor in the loop about his desires, he still hadn't made any progress.
Despite all the things James did right on his job, and regardless of the fact that he liked where he worked, he hindered his own promotion just by not being faithful to his position in certain areas. Something as simple as performing one task in a rush, and not to the best of his ability, demonstrated his lack of faithfulness in that particular area. While he was indeed called to his place of employment for that specific time, he had continued to demonstrate a lack of faithfulness in certain areas of his job.
Proverbs 28:20 declares, "A faithful man shall abound with blessings: but he that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent." A faithful man abounds with blessings, including promotion. Faithfulness is defined as being trustworthy, dependable and loyal. Each of these characteristics is what God will expect of you no matter where He sends you. If you work as a high–powered executive, or as a maintenance man, God still expects you to do your job in excellence.
In addition to making sure you do your job well, don't let the wrong things move you away from your calling. A paycheck should not determine whether or not you're going to do what God told you to do. Neither should a difficult boss or coworker. Understand that with your simple obedience and faithfulness to do what God told you to do, He will take care of you. If you are where you are supposed to be, show yourself faithful for that season, no matter how long it lasts, and you will be rewarded.
Faithfulness is the key to your promotion. You're not going to have any increase until you can learn to be faithful with what God's given you already. The Bible declares in Psalm 75:6, 7, "For promotion cometh neither from the east, nor from the west, nor from the south. But God is the judge: he putteth down one, and setteth up another." Don't you know that if you're faithful on your job, even to the point of being more faithful than the guy who's running the company, God will promote you? He honors faithfulness.
Faithfulness even goes beyond your job; you can begin to cultivate it in your relationships and in many other areas. Find out from God's Word how to be a faithful husband or wife. If you are a student, be faithful and diligent in your studies. Be faithful with the gifts and talents God has placed in you, using them to God's glory. Be faithful to the commitments you make to other people through your words. There are so many opportunities for promotion in life when you consider all the ways in which you can demonstrate faithfulness.
Faithfulness is the only way you're going to graduate to the next level in any area of your life! When you prove yourself faithful in one area, then God opens the door for you in others. If you're stuck in a rut, show Him you'll be faithful with what you have already. He will make a way. Do what God tells you to do so you can hear Him say, "My good and faithful servant, well done. You've been faithful over the few, now I'm going to make you ruler over many!"
God wants only the very best for you and He wants to see you succeed! He’s standing by to give you the promotion that you’ve worked hard for. Visit our Bible Study Center and find resources to build your faith and aid in your meditation of the Word of God.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Rapture, Christ Jesus Coming back to take the Church (We need to be ready)
I had a dream about the Rapture. About 6.25 this morning I dreamt that I was outside and I saw the sky littered with images of prophets and saints. I was puzzled and said... could this be the rapture; then all of a sudden I saw all the buildings, the sky scrapers falling into the sea, it was like a huge movie screen. They were falling; the sea, the moon the sun was all in one. It was frightening. A big ball of fire all over, the moon and the sun seemed like it fell into the sea; the sea was raging .. It was total destruction all around; there were things falling into the sea, the buildings; confusion; fear. I looked and said " Jesus did you leave me here? Why did you leave me? I felt in my heart that I was not forgiving of someone. I thought: the rapture occurred; because I would not be seeing this... I felt lost, hopeless. Frightened. I wondered where are my children . The sea cut off everything, I felt it was impossible for to get to my apartment. I saw like this container of food flying through the air and this women grabbed one, another lady said to her " where did your get this?.. She said "over there"... turned off and said "I do not have no time for people, let her look for her own food"...She was cold, and kept on going. In the dream I felt she was the antichrist. Water, fire, buildings falling into the sea. It was total destruction. I awoke and started crying and speaking in tongues. Went into my daughters room and said to her the 'Jesus is coming for his World, please give your life to him".
Please take this message to heart it was God given and My sister In Christ Sister Geran allowed me to share this with you. Please accept Jesus before it is too late. Please share this with anyone that may not be saved. Thanks. God bless you
It is True He is coming again to take His Church; and to go with Him is to accept Him in your heart ask for His forgivenss for we are all sinners born with sin Adams nature and asking for forgiveness, asking Him to wash our sins away by His blood and to come into our hearts His Spirit begins to live in us read John 3:3, Romans 10:9 John 13:34 its by faith just believe and you will see Him in your life PLEASE READ THE STORY/DREAM BELOW!!!
Please take this message to heart it was God given and My sister In Christ Sister Geran allowed me to share this with you. Please accept Jesus before it is too late. Please share this with anyone that may not be saved. Thanks. God bless you
It is True He is coming again to take His Church; and to go with Him is to accept Him in your heart ask for His forgivenss for we are all sinners born with sin Adams nature and asking for forgiveness, asking Him to wash our sins away by His blood and to come into our hearts His Spirit begins to live in us read John 3:3, Romans 10:9 John 13:34 its by faith just believe and you will see Him in your life PLEASE READ THE STORY/DREAM BELOW!!!
Friday, September 3, 2010
AVOIDING JOB STRESSS
AVOIDING JOB STRESSS, pressure, anxiety, tension whatever you call it, there’s no shortage of it in today’s fast paced, technologically advanced workplace. This is how to go about it1. In with the good air out with the bad.Take a breathing break. Frequent short breaks during the day allow you to breathe deeply and relax your mind, preventing stress buildup.2. Know the enemy.What exactly is stressing you out? Is it your job, your relationship? Without knowing the root of the problem, you are unlikely to solve it. If you are having difficulty identifying the source of your stress, seek professional help from your employee assistance programmed or a mental health professional.3. Move it or lose it.Begin an exercise program. Exercise helps release endorphins, which relieves stress.4. Let go. Recognize the things you can and the ones you can’t control. Make a list of these two categories. Starting today make a pact with yourself to stop stressing yourself about things that you have no control over in your job.5. Beware of the things to do list.Take note of all the good work you do and give yourself credit for it. Set short term goals and allow yourself to take satisfaction in achieving them.6. Develop a tough skin.Try not to personalize any criticism you receive. Look at negative comments as constructive criticism that allows you to improve your work. If however, the criticism is verbally abusive, e.g your boss yells at you or uses vulgar language, discuss this problem with your manager or human resources department.7. Share the load.Delegate or share work whenever possible. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you are the only person who can do the job right. Your co-workers and boss might start to buy into that concept as well.
8. Don’t make work a four letter word.
Job stress builds when our minds are constantly focused on work. Strive for balance in your life. Make time for family, friends, hobbies, and most importantly, fun.
9. Know your rights.
It’s very important to know your rights as an employee or employer.
Although learning to manage a stressful job is important, sometimes it makes more sense to leave it. How can you determine when it’s time to give up your job?
-You have tried all the appropriate channels and methods for resolving your situation to no avail {or the appropriate channels are not made available}
-Your boss is intimidating, disrespectful or demeaning towards you.
-You are so bored on the job that you are exhausted by the end of the day. If you don’t have an upwardly career path that challenges you to grow professionally, it’s time to look for a more interesting position.
8. Don’t make work a four letter word.
Job stress builds when our minds are constantly focused on work. Strive for balance in your life. Make time for family, friends, hobbies, and most importantly, fun.
9. Know your rights.
It’s very important to know your rights as an employee or employer.
Although learning to manage a stressful job is important, sometimes it makes more sense to leave it. How can you determine when it’s time to give up your job?
-You have tried all the appropriate channels and methods for resolving your situation to no avail {or the appropriate channels are not made available}
-Your boss is intimidating, disrespectful or demeaning towards you.
-You are so bored on the job that you are exhausted by the end of the day. If you don’t have an upwardly career path that challenges you to grow professionally, it’s time to look for a more interesting position.
BITTERNESS
Bitterness is loss frozen in resentment. Bitterness grows out of our refusal to
let go when someone or something is taken from us.
Perhaps it grows from the literal loss of a loved one or of a job, or income,
or relationship. Sometimes it might be more subtle and grow from the loss
of a reputation, or social position in a group, or control. Whatever the cause,
bitterness grows out of unreleased loss.
Whenever we lose something or someone significant we often feel the
following thoughts and emotions over a period of time as we grieve over that
loss:
1. There is often denial. ‘This can’t be happening to me. I will wake up and it
will go away!’
2. There may be shock and numbness.
3. There is often guilt. ‘I did something wrong. I’m being punished. This is
my fault!’
4. Perhaps there is depression, especially when a death or loss of career is
involved. ‘This is so awful. Life is now meaningless. I can’t cope!’
5. There is almost certainly anger. ‘My world is changing. How dare anybody
come and change my world? Why should it happen to me?’
6. There is almost certainly bargaining. ‘If only I hadn’t said that ... made
that journey ... If only he/she hadn’t moved got promoted ... moved away
... bought that ... This loss would not have happened. If I could change the
circumstances I could lessen the loss. I could have prevented it!’
The final stage of grieving is to be able to let go.
These feelings are part of the normal grieving process. We don’t just feel
them and then it is OK. And we don’t necessarily feel all of them, or feel them
in any particular order. But they are part of the emotional and intellectual
territory of grieving that we often revisit, with varying degrees of intensity,
during a loss.
For some people this normal grieving process may take months, and even
years, depending on the significance of the loss. Most people learn to
eventually let go of what they have lost and move on, but bitterness grows
up when people refuse to let go and cling on tightly to the anger and
bargaining (and probably the depression) of the grieving process. They
won’t let go and break out of the cycle, or they feel they can’t.
In the face of death we sometimes continue to rage against heaven and
refuse to face the reality that the person is gone and that we are powerless to
do anything and that although we can’t see how, meaningful and productive
life can eventually go on. In the face of unemployment we sometimes rage
against the employers and refuse to accept that they are not going to change
their minds and that there is very little (if anything) we could have done about
it, and that although we can’t see how, meaningful and productive life can
eventually go on. In the face of a body that is noticeably marred by the effects
of sin in a fallen world, we rage against the Heavenly Father who gave us life
and bargain about how things could have been different. We refuse to face
the reality that we are powerless to do anything, and that although it may
seem awful now, meaningful and productive life can eventually go on. When
faced with the pain of difficult parents, children, partners, pastors, in-laws,
colleagues, or unwilling singleness or childlessness, we rage against the
God who loves us and bargain about how things could have been different.
We refuse to face the reality that we may be powerless to do anything, and
that although we can’t see how, meaningful and productive life can eventually
go on.
We don’t like it when confronted with an inability to control.
Bitterness and Anger
There are at least two kinds of anger - hot anger and cold anger. Often
bitterness displays itself as freezing cold anger. Hot anger is explosive and
loud. Cold anger is more subtle and shows itself through complaining and
plotting and scheming and grouching (and sometimes in depression when it
can’t find an outlet and turns in on the angry person).
Those of you who have any experience of Pastoral ministry will know that
people will shy away from admitting that they are bitter. Although Christians
may admit to speeding, bitterness has to rank alongside sexual sin as one
of those sins that touches others, but never the speaker. Sadly it may be as
universal as the former and as destructive as the latter. However much it is
denied, it is often the cold anger that shows itself in desperate bargaining
or uncharacteristically savage moaning and complaining that gives the
bitterness away.
‘I’m not bitter, but I just can’t understand why so and so did that. If they
hadn’t.... But I’m not bitter.’
‘I’m not bitter, and I’m certainly not angry, but I’m going to plot and complain
and moan on every available occasion, and because I’ve been around
Churches for years, I’ll dress up what I have to say in religious language and
make it sound really righteous - but ....... I’m not bitter!’
What are the Consequences of Bitterness?
Cosmic Consequences
You could argue that bitterness motivated Satan to attempt to destroy and
thwart God’s plans. You could argue that bitterness motivated the Pharisees
to have Jesus put to death. You only have to look at India and Pakistan, Israel
and Jordan, Bosnia and Croatia, and Northern Ireland to know that wars are
caused by bitterness, and that such bitter disputes fuel even more reservoirs
of bitterness that last through generations, and continue to hold people in
vice-like grips.
Personal Consequences
There are often physical consequences such as headaches, ulcers,
sleeplessness, heart-attacks, anxiety, fear, tension, depression. This, of
course, doesn’t mean that anyone with a headache or heart-attack is bitter,
but prolonged bitterness will have physical consequences.
The mental consequences of bitterness are continued hypercritical attitudes.
Nobody can do anything right. There is usually anger and resentment with
things don’t go our way (and they often don’t).
And because of the attitudes that accompany bitterness, there are inevitably
social consequences. In Deuteronomy 29:19 Bitterness is described as a
root that grows into a poisonous plant. Bitterness spreads and infects others.
They either catch the critical and grouching spirit from the bitter people, or
they decide to avoid their company. And, of course, the rejection caused by
the bitterness leads to the people concerned feeling even more bitter, and
so the cycle continues.
Bitter people are not popular in Cell Groups. They rarely go because they feel
rejected. And when they do go, they almost have to make sure that people
will reject them. Churches have been paralysed for years by unresolved
bitterness, and so have individual Christians who refuse to deal with the
bitterness they feel towards God.
Bitterness is loss, frozen in resentment. And bitterness is also a chain, tying
us to the thing of person we want to be free from. Until we deal with the
bitterness we cannot escape from the loss. People want vengeance, but end
up with a hypercritical spirit, ulcers, rejection, and chains. We hope that our
bitterness will in some way influence others, but all that happens is that it
destroys us.
Moving Out Of Bitterness
Peter says to Simon the Sorcerer that God is grieved by his bitterness (Acts
8). Paul is saying a similar thing to the Ephesians Christians (Read Eph.4:
25-32). He is saying in effect: ‘One of the things that makes the Spirit of God
sad is what come form your mouth, and one thing in particular is bitterness.
Get rid of it. Get rid of it all.
’
The fact that Paul tells us to get rid of it should encourage us, because it
must be possible. It would be cruel for God to command us to do something
that was impossible. God is never cruel, and only command things for our
good, and only commands things that are possible.
Repentance
One of the first steps towards getting rid of it, it to accept that it is possible,
and that we have some responsibility for making it happen.
But we are slow to accept that we can do anything about it.
‘I used to be quite happy, but he made me bitter.’
‘I had no options. If you had been through what I have been through, you
would have been made bitter as well.
’
We want to feel that we have no choice, that we are not responsible. Then we
can feel free to grow comfortable as we are and can blame God for what he
hasn’t done, or blame others for what they have done.
There is a famous book by Tim La Haye and Bob Phillips called ‘Anger is A
Choice’. The authors point out that we often want to blame others for how we
feel. We respond the people or events by saying: ‘You made me angry ...’ But,
as Christians, we are not victims. We are responsible for we do, say, think,
and feel. Nobody can make us angry. We choose to respond to situations in
an angry way.
And it is not only anger that is a choice. Its close cousin bitterness is also a
choice. We respond the people or events by saying: ‘You made me bitter ...’
But, as Christians, we are not victims. We are responsible for what we do,
say, think, and feel. Nobody can make us bitter. We choose to respond to
situations in a bitter way
.
You know that it is not people or circumstances that make people bitter. What
makes us bitter is our attitude towards people and circumstances. Its not the
people or the circumstances. But the messages we tell ourselves, and its the
feelings we nurture. You know that you can take two people and put them
through equally horrendous circumstances, and one will come out riddled
with bitterness, and another will come out radiant.
Two men from their prison cell gaze up to see the stars.
One saw constellations bright, the other, only bars.
Look at Joseph at the end of his life. He had been abused by his family,
had his reputation ruined by being falsely accused of adultery, he was
forgotten by friends, and at times it must have felt as if God had forgotten
him. But at the end of his life, when faced with those who were responsible
for the years of slavery and pain, he forgives his brothers. He said to
them: ‘You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.’ Despite all that has
happened to him, he acknowledges the sovereignty of God, and God’s
amazing creative ability to bring good out of evil. If Simon the Sorcerer is
amazing because he throbs with boils of bitterness, Joseph is amazing
because he oozes gallons and gallons of grace. He chose not to be bitter.
Bitterness is not about circumstances and people making us feel things.
It’s about the attitude we adopt. A Greek Philosopher, Epictetus once said:
‘People are disturbed, not by things, but by the view they have of things.’
As Christians, we are not victims. People may harm us, and circumstances
may militate against us, but God holds us accountable for our choices, and
enables us to choose a better way. Until we really get hold of that, we’ll never
move forward.
I often have circular conversations with a friend who believes that his career
was blighted by someone 15 years ago. 15 years later he still gets angry
about it. 15 years later, he still bargains, and talks about what might have
happened only if .... I’m not judging him or condemning him.
I care about him enough to want to help him. From time to time I pick up enough
courage to encourage him to let go of his bitterness, and to start playing a different
tape. And he says: ‘It’s easy for you. You weren’t there. You don’t understand.’
Until we accept some responsibility for our bitterness, we’ll never shift it.
Confession
We need to confess any bitterness we may have to God.
I know a Christian who witnessed and suffered violence in his family as a
child. Because of his earthly father, he finds God difficult. When we talk and
I ask him: ‘Where do you think Jesus was when this was happening to you?’
he says:’He wasn’t in the room. Because if he was, he would have stopped
it.’ It’s the cry of Martha and Mary: ‘Lord, if you had been here, this would not
have happened. this illness ... this accident ... this divorce ... this financial
collapse ...’
We all experience the consequences of living in a fallen world and God has never
promised to stop all of those consequences. But he weeps when we weep. He
suffers when we suffer. He will judge those who hurt us. One day he will remove
all the consequences of sin. He has died to set us free. We have no just cause
to be bitter against him. Perhaps we have to confess our bitterness about God.
Perhaps we have to confess our bitterness about others. We need to let go
of the right to extract revenge on others, to stop keeing a profit and loss
account. We need to stop recalling the emotional debts.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness helps us to let go. We refuse to cling on to our desire to hold
something against others.
Some people are bitter because they refuse to let go by forgiving themselves.
They often trap themselves in bitter bargaining: ‘If only I had done this...If
only I hadn’t have done that ...’ God has released us, but we still cling on to
condemning ourselves. Parents are sometimes bitter, refusing to fogive their
children for not being the people they wanted them to be, and likewise some
children won’t forgive their parents for not being the ideal role models that
they wanted.
We may need to forgive our employers or employees. If we are married,
we will almost certainly need to forgive our partners. It’s not necessarily
the big things that destroy marriages. It’s often the little things that
remain unforgiven and that grow into enormous things over the years.
In some cases, if the people are dead, we may find it helpful to write them a
letter forgiving them and seeking their forgiveness, and hand the letter over
to God before destroying it
.
Exercise Faith
We can forgive or let go of the loss only when we understand that we are
significant and secure in Jesus Christ. If we won’t let go because we want
to hold on to control, we can only let go when we accept that there are
things we cannot control, but that we are secure in Jesus. If we can’t let go
because we are holding on to things or people who made us feel good about
ourselves and enabled us to have some sort of postion or role, we can oly
let go when we accept that we have ultimate significance by being loved by
Jesus Christ.
I may want lots of things that make us feel happy and secure, but the Bible
tells me that the only thing - I need in all eternity (as opposed to want) is a
relationship with Jesus Christ.
Once I have Jesus, I can learn to let go and release the loss or debt fo forgiveness.
He is the one who holds me. It is his love for me that really matters. When
people disagree with me, I don’t have to fight to win with an unhealthy
determination. I may want people to agree with me and approve of me. But
if they don’t, it doesn’t matter. I have significance and security because God
loves me. If I’m threatened with a loss, I can acknowledge the pain, but I
don’t have to get stuck in a rut of bargaining and anger, because I know that
God loves me, and that knowledge can give me the freedom to let go of what
I am clinging on to.
We need to remove one of the causes of our bitterness by exercising faith
and continually reminding ourselves that we are secure in God’s love. We
don’t have to prove anything. We need to remind ourselves of our ultimate
security. We need to remind ourselves that vengeance belongs to God.
We can also exercise faith by believing in the creativity of God, not just in the
pretty spectacular creation, but in the recreation, turning the bitterness of the
Pharisees into the redeeming grace of the cross. There is nothing that God
cannot redeem or transform.
Some of the most gracious people around are those who have been through
bitterness, have been forgiven by God, have come out the other side, and are
allowing God to use that experience of darkness to help them to minister to others.
As you exercise faith, be encouraged, it isn’t always going to be easy.
Remember that it takes about 6 weeks to establish a new habit, so don’t
be too discouraged by lapses. It will be hard, especially if the bitterness is
deep.
Replace the tape in your head which says you need to hold onto these
things and that you cannot let them go with one which reminds you of who
your are in Christ. Take responsibility to turn round, exercise faith, and walk
out of darkness (and look for people to walk with you and help you as you
make your journey).
Hebrews 12:15 ‘Guard against turning back from the grace of God. Let no
one become like a bitter plant that grows up and causes trouble with its
poison.’
let go when someone or something is taken from us.
Perhaps it grows from the literal loss of a loved one or of a job, or income,
or relationship. Sometimes it might be more subtle and grow from the loss
of a reputation, or social position in a group, or control. Whatever the cause,
bitterness grows out of unreleased loss.
Whenever we lose something or someone significant we often feel the
following thoughts and emotions over a period of time as we grieve over that
loss:
1. There is often denial. ‘This can’t be happening to me. I will wake up and it
will go away!’
2. There may be shock and numbness.
3. There is often guilt. ‘I did something wrong. I’m being punished. This is
my fault!’
4. Perhaps there is depression, especially when a death or loss of career is
involved. ‘This is so awful. Life is now meaningless. I can’t cope!’
5. There is almost certainly anger. ‘My world is changing. How dare anybody
come and change my world? Why should it happen to me?’
6. There is almost certainly bargaining. ‘If only I hadn’t said that ... made
that journey ... If only he/she hadn’t moved got promoted ... moved away
... bought that ... This loss would not have happened. If I could change the
circumstances I could lessen the loss. I could have prevented it!’
The final stage of grieving is to be able to let go.
These feelings are part of the normal grieving process. We don’t just feel
them and then it is OK. And we don’t necessarily feel all of them, or feel them
in any particular order. But they are part of the emotional and intellectual
territory of grieving that we often revisit, with varying degrees of intensity,
during a loss.
For some people this normal grieving process may take months, and even
years, depending on the significance of the loss. Most people learn to
eventually let go of what they have lost and move on, but bitterness grows
up when people refuse to let go and cling on tightly to the anger and
bargaining (and probably the depression) of the grieving process. They
won’t let go and break out of the cycle, or they feel they can’t.
In the face of death we sometimes continue to rage against heaven and
refuse to face the reality that the person is gone and that we are powerless to
do anything and that although we can’t see how, meaningful and productive
life can eventually go on. In the face of unemployment we sometimes rage
against the employers and refuse to accept that they are not going to change
their minds and that there is very little (if anything) we could have done about
it, and that although we can’t see how, meaningful and productive life can
eventually go on. In the face of a body that is noticeably marred by the effects
of sin in a fallen world, we rage against the Heavenly Father who gave us life
and bargain about how things could have been different. We refuse to face
the reality that we are powerless to do anything, and that although it may
seem awful now, meaningful and productive life can eventually go on. When
faced with the pain of difficult parents, children, partners, pastors, in-laws,
colleagues, or unwilling singleness or childlessness, we rage against the
God who loves us and bargain about how things could have been different.
We refuse to face the reality that we may be powerless to do anything, and
that although we can’t see how, meaningful and productive life can eventually
go on.
We don’t like it when confronted with an inability to control.
Bitterness and Anger
There are at least two kinds of anger - hot anger and cold anger. Often
bitterness displays itself as freezing cold anger. Hot anger is explosive and
loud. Cold anger is more subtle and shows itself through complaining and
plotting and scheming and grouching (and sometimes in depression when it
can’t find an outlet and turns in on the angry person).
Those of you who have any experience of Pastoral ministry will know that
people will shy away from admitting that they are bitter. Although Christians
may admit to speeding, bitterness has to rank alongside sexual sin as one
of those sins that touches others, but never the speaker. Sadly it may be as
universal as the former and as destructive as the latter. However much it is
denied, it is often the cold anger that shows itself in desperate bargaining
or uncharacteristically savage moaning and complaining that gives the
bitterness away.
‘I’m not bitter, but I just can’t understand why so and so did that. If they
hadn’t.... But I’m not bitter.’
‘I’m not bitter, and I’m certainly not angry, but I’m going to plot and complain
and moan on every available occasion, and because I’ve been around
Churches for years, I’ll dress up what I have to say in religious language and
make it sound really righteous - but ....... I’m not bitter!’
What are the Consequences of Bitterness?
Cosmic Consequences
You could argue that bitterness motivated Satan to attempt to destroy and
thwart God’s plans. You could argue that bitterness motivated the Pharisees
to have Jesus put to death. You only have to look at India and Pakistan, Israel
and Jordan, Bosnia and Croatia, and Northern Ireland to know that wars are
caused by bitterness, and that such bitter disputes fuel even more reservoirs
of bitterness that last through generations, and continue to hold people in
vice-like grips.
Personal Consequences
There are often physical consequences such as headaches, ulcers,
sleeplessness, heart-attacks, anxiety, fear, tension, depression. This, of
course, doesn’t mean that anyone with a headache or heart-attack is bitter,
but prolonged bitterness will have physical consequences.
The mental consequences of bitterness are continued hypercritical attitudes.
Nobody can do anything right. There is usually anger and resentment with
things don’t go our way (and they often don’t).
And because of the attitudes that accompany bitterness, there are inevitably
social consequences. In Deuteronomy 29:19 Bitterness is described as a
root that grows into a poisonous plant. Bitterness spreads and infects others.
They either catch the critical and grouching spirit from the bitter people, or
they decide to avoid their company. And, of course, the rejection caused by
the bitterness leads to the people concerned feeling even more bitter, and
so the cycle continues.
Bitter people are not popular in Cell Groups. They rarely go because they feel
rejected. And when they do go, they almost have to make sure that people
will reject them. Churches have been paralysed for years by unresolved
bitterness, and so have individual Christians who refuse to deal with the
bitterness they feel towards God.
Bitterness is loss, frozen in resentment. And bitterness is also a chain, tying
us to the thing of person we want to be free from. Until we deal with the
bitterness we cannot escape from the loss. People want vengeance, but end
up with a hypercritical spirit, ulcers, rejection, and chains. We hope that our
bitterness will in some way influence others, but all that happens is that it
destroys us.
Moving Out Of Bitterness
Peter says to Simon the Sorcerer that God is grieved by his bitterness (Acts
8). Paul is saying a similar thing to the Ephesians Christians (Read Eph.4:
25-32). He is saying in effect: ‘One of the things that makes the Spirit of God
sad is what come form your mouth, and one thing in particular is bitterness.
Get rid of it. Get rid of it all.
’
The fact that Paul tells us to get rid of it should encourage us, because it
must be possible. It would be cruel for God to command us to do something
that was impossible. God is never cruel, and only command things for our
good, and only commands things that are possible.
Repentance
One of the first steps towards getting rid of it, it to accept that it is possible,
and that we have some responsibility for making it happen.
But we are slow to accept that we can do anything about it.
‘I used to be quite happy, but he made me bitter.’
‘I had no options. If you had been through what I have been through, you
would have been made bitter as well.
’
We want to feel that we have no choice, that we are not responsible. Then we
can feel free to grow comfortable as we are and can blame God for what he
hasn’t done, or blame others for what they have done.
There is a famous book by Tim La Haye and Bob Phillips called ‘Anger is A
Choice’. The authors point out that we often want to blame others for how we
feel. We respond the people or events by saying: ‘You made me angry ...’ But,
as Christians, we are not victims. We are responsible for we do, say, think,
and feel. Nobody can make us angry. We choose to respond to situations in
an angry way.
And it is not only anger that is a choice. Its close cousin bitterness is also a
choice. We respond the people or events by saying: ‘You made me bitter ...’
But, as Christians, we are not victims. We are responsible for what we do,
say, think, and feel. Nobody can make us bitter. We choose to respond to
situations in a bitter way
.
You know that it is not people or circumstances that make people bitter. What
makes us bitter is our attitude towards people and circumstances. Its not the
people or the circumstances. But the messages we tell ourselves, and its the
feelings we nurture. You know that you can take two people and put them
through equally horrendous circumstances, and one will come out riddled
with bitterness, and another will come out radiant.
Two men from their prison cell gaze up to see the stars.
One saw constellations bright, the other, only bars.
Look at Joseph at the end of his life. He had been abused by his family,
had his reputation ruined by being falsely accused of adultery, he was
forgotten by friends, and at times it must have felt as if God had forgotten
him. But at the end of his life, when faced with those who were responsible
for the years of slavery and pain, he forgives his brothers. He said to
them: ‘You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.’ Despite all that has
happened to him, he acknowledges the sovereignty of God, and God’s
amazing creative ability to bring good out of evil. If Simon the Sorcerer is
amazing because he throbs with boils of bitterness, Joseph is amazing
because he oozes gallons and gallons of grace. He chose not to be bitter.
Bitterness is not about circumstances and people making us feel things.
It’s about the attitude we adopt. A Greek Philosopher, Epictetus once said:
‘People are disturbed, not by things, but by the view they have of things.’
As Christians, we are not victims. People may harm us, and circumstances
may militate against us, but God holds us accountable for our choices, and
enables us to choose a better way. Until we really get hold of that, we’ll never
move forward.
I often have circular conversations with a friend who believes that his career
was blighted by someone 15 years ago. 15 years later he still gets angry
about it. 15 years later, he still bargains, and talks about what might have
happened only if .... I’m not judging him or condemning him.
I care about him enough to want to help him. From time to time I pick up enough
courage to encourage him to let go of his bitterness, and to start playing a different
tape. And he says: ‘It’s easy for you. You weren’t there. You don’t understand.’
Until we accept some responsibility for our bitterness, we’ll never shift it.
Confession
We need to confess any bitterness we may have to God.
I know a Christian who witnessed and suffered violence in his family as a
child. Because of his earthly father, he finds God difficult. When we talk and
I ask him: ‘Where do you think Jesus was when this was happening to you?’
he says:’He wasn’t in the room. Because if he was, he would have stopped
it.’ It’s the cry of Martha and Mary: ‘Lord, if you had been here, this would not
have happened. this illness ... this accident ... this divorce ... this financial
collapse ...’
We all experience the consequences of living in a fallen world and God has never
promised to stop all of those consequences. But he weeps when we weep. He
suffers when we suffer. He will judge those who hurt us. One day he will remove
all the consequences of sin. He has died to set us free. We have no just cause
to be bitter against him. Perhaps we have to confess our bitterness about God.
Perhaps we have to confess our bitterness about others. We need to let go
of the right to extract revenge on others, to stop keeing a profit and loss
account. We need to stop recalling the emotional debts.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness helps us to let go. We refuse to cling on to our desire to hold
something against others.
Some people are bitter because they refuse to let go by forgiving themselves.
They often trap themselves in bitter bargaining: ‘If only I had done this...If
only I hadn’t have done that ...’ God has released us, but we still cling on to
condemning ourselves. Parents are sometimes bitter, refusing to fogive their
children for not being the people they wanted them to be, and likewise some
children won’t forgive their parents for not being the ideal role models that
they wanted.
We may need to forgive our employers or employees. If we are married,
we will almost certainly need to forgive our partners. It’s not necessarily
the big things that destroy marriages. It’s often the little things that
remain unforgiven and that grow into enormous things over the years.
In some cases, if the people are dead, we may find it helpful to write them a
letter forgiving them and seeking their forgiveness, and hand the letter over
to God before destroying it
.
Exercise Faith
We can forgive or let go of the loss only when we understand that we are
significant and secure in Jesus Christ. If we won’t let go because we want
to hold on to control, we can only let go when we accept that there are
things we cannot control, but that we are secure in Jesus. If we can’t let go
because we are holding on to things or people who made us feel good about
ourselves and enabled us to have some sort of postion or role, we can oly
let go when we accept that we have ultimate significance by being loved by
Jesus Christ.
I may want lots of things that make us feel happy and secure, but the Bible
tells me that the only thing - I need in all eternity (as opposed to want) is a
relationship with Jesus Christ.
Once I have Jesus, I can learn to let go and release the loss or debt fo forgiveness.
He is the one who holds me. It is his love for me that really matters. When
people disagree with me, I don’t have to fight to win with an unhealthy
determination. I may want people to agree with me and approve of me. But
if they don’t, it doesn’t matter. I have significance and security because God
loves me. If I’m threatened with a loss, I can acknowledge the pain, but I
don’t have to get stuck in a rut of bargaining and anger, because I know that
God loves me, and that knowledge can give me the freedom to let go of what
I am clinging on to.
We need to remove one of the causes of our bitterness by exercising faith
and continually reminding ourselves that we are secure in God’s love. We
don’t have to prove anything. We need to remind ourselves of our ultimate
security. We need to remind ourselves that vengeance belongs to God.
We can also exercise faith by believing in the creativity of God, not just in the
pretty spectacular creation, but in the recreation, turning the bitterness of the
Pharisees into the redeeming grace of the cross. There is nothing that God
cannot redeem or transform.
Some of the most gracious people around are those who have been through
bitterness, have been forgiven by God, have come out the other side, and are
allowing God to use that experience of darkness to help them to minister to others.
As you exercise faith, be encouraged, it isn’t always going to be easy.
Remember that it takes about 6 weeks to establish a new habit, so don’t
be too discouraged by lapses. It will be hard, especially if the bitterness is
deep.
Replace the tape in your head which says you need to hold onto these
things and that you cannot let them go with one which reminds you of who
your are in Christ. Take responsibility to turn round, exercise faith, and walk
out of darkness (and look for people to walk with you and help you as you
make your journey).
Hebrews 12:15 ‘Guard against turning back from the grace of God. Let no
one become like a bitter plant that grows up and causes trouble with its
poison.’
DEALING WITH MOODS AND ATTITUDES
It seems like no matter what area of life we are in there are always some
people who are difficult to get along with. They are either exceptionally
prickly, or don’t seem to care less, couldn’t be bothered, or are remarkably
self-centred and inconsiderate. We wonder “What’s with these people?”,
“What planet are they living on?”,
“Do they go out of their way to be especially unpleasant and uncooperative?”,
“How can someone be so insensitive - are they blind? What needs to
happen for them to get the message? What’s wrong with them?” They have
the potential to take up an enormous amount of our time and energy and
we can find ourselves continually in conversations with others about their
shortcomings. In doing so we use a lot of the planet’s oxygen, and it doesn’t
change a thing!
Life is not happy for us when we are in their company. We find ourselves out
of options, resigned that things will not improve, and experiencing continual
frustration, which is not good for our own well-being. So what can be done?
We want to suggest a different approach, one that concentrates on how we
are observing. This is based on the following premise: We do not know how
things are, we only know how we observe them.
Each of us has our own perspective on the situations in our life, and that’s all
we have - our perspective, our mindsets.
Our perspective is our interpretations.
We react, respond and operate from our perspective, but we are very rarely
aware of the perspective we have of someone and how that drives our
behaviour.
One of the most powerful forms of learning we can engage in is to take a
look at:
How we are observing things in the first place
How come we se things the way we do
By being willing to inspect our perspective we are then in a position to
address the following question: “What is it that makes someone dif ficult for
us?”
But let’s take a look first at what our perspective is made up of. Essentially it
consists of assumptions, which is how we think things are, how they should be,
and how they could be. The basis of these assumptions is the standards we
live by and how we expect others to be consistent with these. Our standards
and assumptions are the basis of our opinions, and we knit our opinions
very coherently into a story. But we rarely, if ever, observe this fundamental
process of how our perspective is formed, and if we were to slightly adjust
some of our assumptions, we would have a different perspective and
different ways of behaving.
What makes someone difficult for us is that they don’t live up to our standards
and expectations, and we are not able to influence them to do so. That pushes
our buttons, because our standards define our dignity and integrity and where
and how we make a stand in life. And when our standards are “violated” we
have an emotional response, which can become a long-term and entrenched
response (a mood) that we live from all the time in our dealings with difficult
people.
Moods colour how we see life, and we find ourselves in negative moods, which
are powerful enough to trap us into always having the same perspective. Our
moods live in our body, so we also have a physical reaction, reflected in our
breathing, muscle tension and posture.
The traditional way of looking at why someone is difficult is to point the finger
at them, and speak of the unacceptable characteristics of their behaviour.
By being willing to take a look at our own perspective we can take another
approach, one that begins with pointing the finger at ourself and acknowledging
how we are observing things. It is critical to continually remind ourselves that
what we observe is an interpretation, and whilst we may think we have the
“right” interpretation, ours is but one of thousands!
We see and hear people do things, but our standards and assumptions have
us form an interpretation. It is all too easy to fall into the trap of regarding
our interpretations as “fact”. Part of the reason we are deluded into this line
of thinking is because others can have similar interpretations. But this only
means we have consensus, which can blind us to developing innovative
ways of dealing with tricky issues.
What can be done, how can we be influential in improving things, even with
seemingly the most intractable of people? There are a number of things we
want to suggest about observing our observing.
1. A “standards and assumptions check”. Be very clear about the story you
are running about this other person. What are the core standards, or criteria
for acceptable conduct, that are being “violated”. How important are those
standards to you - do you want to stick to them and be uncompromising
about them (which is OK if you do because they are the foundation of your
dignity)? Perhaps the standard is non-negotiable, but perhaps how this
person goes about meeting that standard could be different. Perhaps we may
be trapped in an assumption about how people should go about meeting our
standard, as if there is a “right” way for me to match your criteria. The criteria
by which we live play a paradoxical role in our lives - they are indispensable
and define who and how we want to be, but they also can trap us into rigid
and inflexible ways of observing situations, which can result in us doing an
exquisite job torturing ourselves.
There is also another assumption worth inspecting with our standards,
and that is that we may assume that this other person is as clear about our
standards as we are. Or that this standard is as important to them as it is
to us. In other words, that they would have learned this and it would be an
integral part of how they view the world.
2. A mood check.
What is the fundamental mood you live in with this person: when you think
of them, when someone mentions their name and you are in their presence?
What would you say is the colour of this mood? What does this mood do to
the quality of your thinking and relating, to your demeanour and quality of
life? How much of this mood do you carry with you into other situations in
your life?
Our habitual thinking about moods is that we are stuck with them and can’t
do anything about them. Where did we learn that? Who is running our
emotional life? There is such a thing as emotional goal setting - what mood
do you want to be in with this person so that you can be more resourceful in
your behaviour?
3. A resourceful body.
The subtle ways we configure our muscles, which influences our posture,
as well as our breathing, has a huge, but underrated impact on how we
observe. A negative story and a negative mood becomes “embodied”, which
contaminates our effectiveness in relating with others. How do you need to
stand, with what degree of uprightness, without being rigid, how deeply do
you want to breathe? How can that be monitored in a conversation? Any
sign of the negative story and mood becoming prominent is a sign to shift
position, posture and breathing, even by consciously taking a few deeper
breaths.
4. Our self-image in delivering a message.
It is easy to assume that we are being clear about what we want, but from
their perspective are we? Have our requests been clearly and unambiguously
stated so that there is a shared understanding of what is required? Do we
speak from our own concerns, about what is missing for us and why it is
important, in the spirit of pointing the finger at ourselves, rather than being in
a “blame frame” and pointing the finger at them? Is our self-image such that
we can convey what we want, feeling valid and worthwhile, and in a “solid
and definite” body, without being overbearing?
5.Our perspective of their perspective.
How do you think they are seeing things, especially yourself? What do they
need to see and hear from us such that they will get the message? Should
we deliver it directly, and if so, what words, voice tone, facial expressions
need to accompany our speaking? Or, would that be too off-putting and
are they more likely to “take on board” what we want indirectly, perhaps
through a third party, or the use of prolonged pauses, or strategically placed
but pertinent comments? What is going on in their world? Do they seem
happy, do they have a positive opinion of themself, what sort of mood and
body do they live in? How can we incorporate these considerations into our
approach?
One closing point. It is easy to underestimate the complexity of the dynamics
of human interaction. We are not machines, but biological entities, sometimes
highly unpredictable and, above all else, each of us is a mystery, both to
ourselves and others.
people who are difficult to get along with. They are either exceptionally
prickly, or don’t seem to care less, couldn’t be bothered, or are remarkably
self-centred and inconsiderate. We wonder “What’s with these people?”,
“What planet are they living on?”,
“Do they go out of their way to be especially unpleasant and uncooperative?”,
“How can someone be so insensitive - are they blind? What needs to
happen for them to get the message? What’s wrong with them?” They have
the potential to take up an enormous amount of our time and energy and
we can find ourselves continually in conversations with others about their
shortcomings. In doing so we use a lot of the planet’s oxygen, and it doesn’t
change a thing!
Life is not happy for us when we are in their company. We find ourselves out
of options, resigned that things will not improve, and experiencing continual
frustration, which is not good for our own well-being. So what can be done?
We want to suggest a different approach, one that concentrates on how we
are observing. This is based on the following premise: We do not know how
things are, we only know how we observe them.
Each of us has our own perspective on the situations in our life, and that’s all
we have - our perspective, our mindsets.
Our perspective is our interpretations.
We react, respond and operate from our perspective, but we are very rarely
aware of the perspective we have of someone and how that drives our
behaviour.
One of the most powerful forms of learning we can engage in is to take a
look at:
How we are observing things in the first place
How come we se things the way we do
By being willing to inspect our perspective we are then in a position to
address the following question: “What is it that makes someone dif ficult for
us?”
But let’s take a look first at what our perspective is made up of. Essentially it
consists of assumptions, which is how we think things are, how they should be,
and how they could be. The basis of these assumptions is the standards we
live by and how we expect others to be consistent with these. Our standards
and assumptions are the basis of our opinions, and we knit our opinions
very coherently into a story. But we rarely, if ever, observe this fundamental
process of how our perspective is formed, and if we were to slightly adjust
some of our assumptions, we would have a different perspective and
different ways of behaving.
What makes someone difficult for us is that they don’t live up to our standards
and expectations, and we are not able to influence them to do so. That pushes
our buttons, because our standards define our dignity and integrity and where
and how we make a stand in life. And when our standards are “violated” we
have an emotional response, which can become a long-term and entrenched
response (a mood) that we live from all the time in our dealings with difficult
people.
Moods colour how we see life, and we find ourselves in negative moods, which
are powerful enough to trap us into always having the same perspective. Our
moods live in our body, so we also have a physical reaction, reflected in our
breathing, muscle tension and posture.
The traditional way of looking at why someone is difficult is to point the finger
at them, and speak of the unacceptable characteristics of their behaviour.
By being willing to take a look at our own perspective we can take another
approach, one that begins with pointing the finger at ourself and acknowledging
how we are observing things. It is critical to continually remind ourselves that
what we observe is an interpretation, and whilst we may think we have the
“right” interpretation, ours is but one of thousands!
We see and hear people do things, but our standards and assumptions have
us form an interpretation. It is all too easy to fall into the trap of regarding
our interpretations as “fact”. Part of the reason we are deluded into this line
of thinking is because others can have similar interpretations. But this only
means we have consensus, which can blind us to developing innovative
ways of dealing with tricky issues.
What can be done, how can we be influential in improving things, even with
seemingly the most intractable of people? There are a number of things we
want to suggest about observing our observing.
1. A “standards and assumptions check”. Be very clear about the story you
are running about this other person. What are the core standards, or criteria
for acceptable conduct, that are being “violated”. How important are those
standards to you - do you want to stick to them and be uncompromising
about them (which is OK if you do because they are the foundation of your
dignity)? Perhaps the standard is non-negotiable, but perhaps how this
person goes about meeting that standard could be different. Perhaps we may
be trapped in an assumption about how people should go about meeting our
standard, as if there is a “right” way for me to match your criteria. The criteria
by which we live play a paradoxical role in our lives - they are indispensable
and define who and how we want to be, but they also can trap us into rigid
and inflexible ways of observing situations, which can result in us doing an
exquisite job torturing ourselves.
There is also another assumption worth inspecting with our standards,
and that is that we may assume that this other person is as clear about our
standards as we are. Or that this standard is as important to them as it is
to us. In other words, that they would have learned this and it would be an
integral part of how they view the world.
2. A mood check.
What is the fundamental mood you live in with this person: when you think
of them, when someone mentions their name and you are in their presence?
What would you say is the colour of this mood? What does this mood do to
the quality of your thinking and relating, to your demeanour and quality of
life? How much of this mood do you carry with you into other situations in
your life?
Our habitual thinking about moods is that we are stuck with them and can’t
do anything about them. Where did we learn that? Who is running our
emotional life? There is such a thing as emotional goal setting - what mood
do you want to be in with this person so that you can be more resourceful in
your behaviour?
3. A resourceful body.
The subtle ways we configure our muscles, which influences our posture,
as well as our breathing, has a huge, but underrated impact on how we
observe. A negative story and a negative mood becomes “embodied”, which
contaminates our effectiveness in relating with others. How do you need to
stand, with what degree of uprightness, without being rigid, how deeply do
you want to breathe? How can that be monitored in a conversation? Any
sign of the negative story and mood becoming prominent is a sign to shift
position, posture and breathing, even by consciously taking a few deeper
breaths.
4. Our self-image in delivering a message.
It is easy to assume that we are being clear about what we want, but from
their perspective are we? Have our requests been clearly and unambiguously
stated so that there is a shared understanding of what is required? Do we
speak from our own concerns, about what is missing for us and why it is
important, in the spirit of pointing the finger at ourselves, rather than being in
a “blame frame” and pointing the finger at them? Is our self-image such that
we can convey what we want, feeling valid and worthwhile, and in a “solid
and definite” body, without being overbearing?
5.Our perspective of their perspective.
How do you think they are seeing things, especially yourself? What do they
need to see and hear from us such that they will get the message? Should
we deliver it directly, and if so, what words, voice tone, facial expressions
need to accompany our speaking? Or, would that be too off-putting and
are they more likely to “take on board” what we want indirectly, perhaps
through a third party, or the use of prolonged pauses, or strategically placed
but pertinent comments? What is going on in their world? Do they seem
happy, do they have a positive opinion of themself, what sort of mood and
body do they live in? How can we incorporate these considerations into our
approach?
One closing point. It is easy to underestimate the complexity of the dynamics
of human interaction. We are not machines, but biological entities, sometimes
highly unpredictable and, above all else, each of us is a mystery, both to
ourselves and others.
Healing a Man’s Father Wound
It is a peculiarly twentieth-century story, and is almost too awful to tell,”
writes Frederick Buechner, “about a boy of twelve or thirteen who, in a fit of
crazy anger and depression, got hold of a gun somewhere and fired it at his
father, who died not right away but soon afterward.
“When the authorities asked the boy why he had done it, he said that it was
because he could not stand his father, because his father demanded too
much of him, because he hated his father. And then later on, after he had
been placed in a house of detention, a guard was walking down the corridor
late one night when he heard sounds from the boy’s room, and he stopped
to listen. The words he heard the boy sobbing out in the dark were, ‘I want
my father, I want my father.’”1
“How incredibly sad,” we say, but how many of us have killed or turned away
from the only source that can meet the deepest longing of our heart? “Not
me,” I say, but every time I look for love in any wrong place, I do that.
For example, I looked for love in the things I did, like making beautiful things
including a dream home. Then I majored in words and wrote books and
poems. I learned to move a crowd to tears, make them laugh hilariously and
inspire them to reach for noble goals. I got lots of approval but none of these
things ever made me feel loved.
No Mother or any other Woman can ever make a boy or a man love himself
as a man.
Perhaps most delusive of all is how I looked to the opposite sex to try to
make me feel loved and to affirm my masculinity. It started with my mother
because, being my primary caretaker, she was all I had to look to when I
was a child. Next I fell madly in love with my second grade school teacher,
looking for love from her. That didn’t work either.
Unfortunately, no mother or any other woman can ever make a boy or a man
love himself as a man. An attractive woman might make him feel terrific for
a time but she still can’t make him feel loved or that he is a man no matter
how attractive she might be. A man may even be intoxicated with passion
when he meets a beautiful woman and may want to marry her. If he does,
he may be in for a rude awakening. Not because of her but because of him.
When his passion subsides he’ll be faced with the pain and reality of his own
loneliness and emptiness.
And then to avoid facing his pain, he’ll look to another performance, climb
another mountain, or seek another beautiful woman. . .and another. . .to prove
to himself that he is a man. Or he’ll deaden the pain through alcohol, drugs
or addictive behaviors and eventually ruin his health, get cancer, die of a
heart attack, never get close to the ones he loves, or ruin those relationships.
That is, he’ll keep acting out until he faces why he looks in the wrong places
for the love he never received as a child.
Ask a hundred men how many felt close to and affirmed by their father and
you will see about three or four hands raised. Herein lies the secret of so
much of our relational and emotional distress and the answer to our recovery.
The father wound that injured our masculine soul is because we never felt
loved by our fathers. And that wound desperately needs to be healed.
Only a father (or a surrogate or substitute father) can affirm a man’s
masculinity and make him feel that he’s a man. Neither fame nor fortune
nor all the women in the world can ever do this for him. Only a father’s love
can.
But what if our father was absent, as was mine? He was physically present
but not emotionally. He was uninvolved in my life, which I perceived as
rejection, and then I in turn rejected him. I “killed” my father too. Not literally,
of course, but as far as I was concerned he was dead to me. In doing this I
shot myself in the heart. And everywhere I’ve went for years I searched for
the love I never found from my father.
So where’s the answer?
First, I need to acknowledge the fact that I had or have a father wound and
need healing. As long as I deny this I can never be healed.
Second, I need to get in touch with my pain, express my deep anger and
sob out my well of buried grief over the loss of the father’s love I never had.
Counseling with a male counselor, participating in a psychodrama (role play)
group, prayer for inner healing, and having a couple of soul brothers with
whom I can share openly and honestly has helped bring much healing.
Third, I need to continue to build healthy relationships with healthy men. No
woman could ever affirm my masculinity or teach me to love myself as a
man. Only men can meet my unmet father need.
As long as a man depends on a woman to make him feel good about himself,
he is still emotionally tied to his mother’s apron strings. All a woman can ever
do is confirm what a man already feels about himself. That is, if he rejects
himself as a man, he will likely be attracted to a rejecting woman. Or if he
loves and accepts himself as a man, be will be attracted to a loving and
accepting woman who will confirm what he feels about himself.
Fourth, to be affirmed by men—who become father substitutes—I need to
find men I can trust and let them know me as I truly am—warts and all. Every
one of us has a dark side. I need to take the risk and share my dark side to
these men I trust—men who will know me fully and accept me as I am. It is
through their love and acceptance that I learn to love and accept myself. But
as long as I keep my dark side hidden, I will never feel fully loved. I can only
be loved—and healed—to the degree that I am known. This may be scary
but there is no other way.
Fifth, because I am a spiritual being, the bottom line to feeling fully loved
is to feel God the Father’s love at the very core of my being. Herein lies the
deepest healing of the masculine soul. Thus I need to come to God through
his Son, Jesus Christ, confess all my dark side to him, ask for his forgiveness,
and accept him as Lord of my life.
I then can learn to feel closer to God and experience his love as I get closer
to healthy, accepting men and feel their love. As God said, “If we love each
other, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us.”2
NOTE: I need to realize that so many women also have a deep father wound.
Only when we men are healed are we able to appropriately affirm women so
they, too, can be healed of their father wound.
1. Frederick Buechner, The Magnificent Defeat, P. 65.
2. 1 John 4:12.
Written and © Copyright 2001 by Dick Innes
writes Frederick Buechner, “about a boy of twelve or thirteen who, in a fit of
crazy anger and depression, got hold of a gun somewhere and fired it at his
father, who died not right away but soon afterward.
“When the authorities asked the boy why he had done it, he said that it was
because he could not stand his father, because his father demanded too
much of him, because he hated his father. And then later on, after he had
been placed in a house of detention, a guard was walking down the corridor
late one night when he heard sounds from the boy’s room, and he stopped
to listen. The words he heard the boy sobbing out in the dark were, ‘I want
my father, I want my father.’”1
“How incredibly sad,” we say, but how many of us have killed or turned away
from the only source that can meet the deepest longing of our heart? “Not
me,” I say, but every time I look for love in any wrong place, I do that.
For example, I looked for love in the things I did, like making beautiful things
including a dream home. Then I majored in words and wrote books and
poems. I learned to move a crowd to tears, make them laugh hilariously and
inspire them to reach for noble goals. I got lots of approval but none of these
things ever made me feel loved.
No Mother or any other Woman can ever make a boy or a man love himself
as a man.
Perhaps most delusive of all is how I looked to the opposite sex to try to
make me feel loved and to affirm my masculinity. It started with my mother
because, being my primary caretaker, she was all I had to look to when I
was a child. Next I fell madly in love with my second grade school teacher,
looking for love from her. That didn’t work either.
Unfortunately, no mother or any other woman can ever make a boy or a man
love himself as a man. An attractive woman might make him feel terrific for
a time but she still can’t make him feel loved or that he is a man no matter
how attractive she might be. A man may even be intoxicated with passion
when he meets a beautiful woman and may want to marry her. If he does,
he may be in for a rude awakening. Not because of her but because of him.
When his passion subsides he’ll be faced with the pain and reality of his own
loneliness and emptiness.
And then to avoid facing his pain, he’ll look to another performance, climb
another mountain, or seek another beautiful woman. . .and another. . .to prove
to himself that he is a man. Or he’ll deaden the pain through alcohol, drugs
or addictive behaviors and eventually ruin his health, get cancer, die of a
heart attack, never get close to the ones he loves, or ruin those relationships.
That is, he’ll keep acting out until he faces why he looks in the wrong places
for the love he never received as a child.
Ask a hundred men how many felt close to and affirmed by their father and
you will see about three or four hands raised. Herein lies the secret of so
much of our relational and emotional distress and the answer to our recovery.
The father wound that injured our masculine soul is because we never felt
loved by our fathers. And that wound desperately needs to be healed.
Only a father (or a surrogate or substitute father) can affirm a man’s
masculinity and make him feel that he’s a man. Neither fame nor fortune
nor all the women in the world can ever do this for him. Only a father’s love
can.
But what if our father was absent, as was mine? He was physically present
but not emotionally. He was uninvolved in my life, which I perceived as
rejection, and then I in turn rejected him. I “killed” my father too. Not literally,
of course, but as far as I was concerned he was dead to me. In doing this I
shot myself in the heart. And everywhere I’ve went for years I searched for
the love I never found from my father.
So where’s the answer?
First, I need to acknowledge the fact that I had or have a father wound and
need healing. As long as I deny this I can never be healed.
Second, I need to get in touch with my pain, express my deep anger and
sob out my well of buried grief over the loss of the father’s love I never had.
Counseling with a male counselor, participating in a psychodrama (role play)
group, prayer for inner healing, and having a couple of soul brothers with
whom I can share openly and honestly has helped bring much healing.
Third, I need to continue to build healthy relationships with healthy men. No
woman could ever affirm my masculinity or teach me to love myself as a
man. Only men can meet my unmet father need.
As long as a man depends on a woman to make him feel good about himself,
he is still emotionally tied to his mother’s apron strings. All a woman can ever
do is confirm what a man already feels about himself. That is, if he rejects
himself as a man, he will likely be attracted to a rejecting woman. Or if he
loves and accepts himself as a man, be will be attracted to a loving and
accepting woman who will confirm what he feels about himself.
Fourth, to be affirmed by men—who become father substitutes—I need to
find men I can trust and let them know me as I truly am—warts and all. Every
one of us has a dark side. I need to take the risk and share my dark side to
these men I trust—men who will know me fully and accept me as I am. It is
through their love and acceptance that I learn to love and accept myself. But
as long as I keep my dark side hidden, I will never feel fully loved. I can only
be loved—and healed—to the degree that I am known. This may be scary
but there is no other way.
Fifth, because I am a spiritual being, the bottom line to feeling fully loved
is to feel God the Father’s love at the very core of my being. Herein lies the
deepest healing of the masculine soul. Thus I need to come to God through
his Son, Jesus Christ, confess all my dark side to him, ask for his forgiveness,
and accept him as Lord of my life.
I then can learn to feel closer to God and experience his love as I get closer
to healthy, accepting men and feel their love. As God said, “If we love each
other, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us.”2
NOTE: I need to realize that so many women also have a deep father wound.
Only when we men are healed are we able to appropriately affirm women so
they, too, can be healed of their father wound.
1. Frederick Buechner, The Magnificent Defeat, P. 65.
2. 1 John 4:12.
Written and © Copyright 2001 by Dick Innes
HOW TO QUIT SMOKING.
Nearly everyone knows that smoking can cause lung cancer, but few people
realize it is also a risk factor for cancer of the mouth, voice box (larynx),
bladder, kidney, pancreas, cervix, stomach, and some leukemias.
Smokers often say, “Don’t tell me why to quit, tell me how.” There is no
one right way to quit, but there are some key elements in quitting smoking
successfully. These 4 factors are crucial:
• Making the decision to quit
• Setting a quit date and choosing a quit plan
• Dealing with withdrawal
• Maintenance or staying quit
Making the Decision to Quit
The decision to quit smoking is one that only you can make. Others may
want you to quit, but the real commitment must come from you.
Researchers have looked into how and why people stop smoking. They have
some ideas, or models, of how this happens.
The Health Belief Model says that you will be more likely to stop smoking if
you:
• Believe that you could get a smoking-related disease and this worries
you
• Believe that you can make an honest attempt at quitting smoking
• Believe that the benefits of quitting outweigh the benefits of continuing
to smoke
• Know of someone who has had health problems as a result of their
smoking
Do any of these apply to you?
The Stages of Change Model identifies the stages that a person goes through
in making a change in behavior. Here are the stages as they apply to quitting
smoking:
• Pre-contemplator - This is the smoker who is not thinking seriously
about quitting right now.
• Contemplator - This is the smoker who is actively thinking about quitting
but is not quite ready to make a serious attempt yet. This person may
say, “Yes, I’m ready to quit, but the stress at work is too much, or I don’t
want to gain weight, or I’m not sure if I can do it.”
• Preparation - Smokers in the preparation stage seriously intend to quit
in the next month and often have tried to quit in the past 12 months.
They usually have a plan.
• Action - This is the first 6 months when the smoker is actively quitting.
• Maintenance - This is the period of 6 months to 5 years after quitting
when the ex-smoker is aware of the danger of relapse and take steps to
avoid it.
• Where do you fit in this model - If you are thinking about quitting, setting
a date and deciding on a plan will move you into the preparation stage,
the best place to start.
Why should you quit? Each smoker has his or her own reasons; here are
three good ones:
Your Family. Your family needs your financial and emotional support. If you
die prematurely from a smoking-related illness, who will do all the things you
do for your family?
Your Kids. Kids exposed to secondhand smoke at home are more prone to
colds, ear infections and allergies than children of nonsmoking parents. By
age 7, they may be shorter than their friends, lag behind in reading ability
and have behavior problems. Worse still, they will likely become smokers
themselves.
Yourself. It’s never too late to quit smoking. Right away, you’ll look better (no
more yellow teeth and fingers), feel better (good-bye hacking cough, hello
vitality) and enjoy life better (flowers smell sweeter, food tastes better).
The Next Move: You know why you want to quit. Now choose a date and put
a big red circle on the calendar. Every night before going to bed, state your
reasons for quitting out loud 10 times.
The Three Phases of Quitting:
• Deciding To Quit
• Preparing To Quit
• Following Through
For most people the best way to quit will be some combination of medicine, a
method to change personal habits, and emotional support. The best-known
medicines are probably nicotine substitutes such as the patch, gum, and
nasal spray, which are known as nicotine replacement therapy (NRT).
When smokers try to cut back or quit, the absence of nicotine leads to
withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal is both physical and psychological.
Physically, the body is reacting to the absence of the drug nicotine.
Psychologically, the smoker is faced with giving up a habit. Both must be
dealt with to succeed at quitting.
Withdrawal symptoms can include any of the following:
• Depression
• Feelings of frustration and anger
• Irritability
• Trouble sleeping
• Difficulty concentrating
• Restlessness
• Headache
• Tiredness
• Increased appetite
These uncomfortable symptoms lead the smoker to again start smoking
cigarettes to boost blood levels of nicotine back to a level where there are
no symptoms.
One way to overcome these urges or cravings is to identify rationalizations
as they come up. A rationalization is a mistaken belief that seems to make
sense at the time but is not based on facts. If you have tried to quit before,
you will probably recognize many of these common rationalizations.
• I’ll just have one to get through this rough spot. (Does a smoker ever
stop with just one?)
• Today is not a good day; I’ll quit tomorrow. (We’ve heard that one
before.)
• It’s my only vice.
• How bad is smoking, really? Uncle Harry smoked all his life and he
lived to be over 90. Air pollution is probably just as bad.
• You’ve got to die of something.
• Life is no fun without smoking.
You probably can add more to the list. As you go through the first few days
without smoking, write down any rationalizations as they come up and
recognize them for what they are: messages that can trap you into going
back to smoking. Use the ideas below to help you keep your commitment to
quitting.
Avoid people and places where you are tempted to smoke. Later on you will
be able to handle these with more confidence.
Alter habits. Switch to juices or water instead of alcohol or coffee. Take a
different route to work; take a brisk walk instead of a coffee break.
Alternatives. Use oral substitutions such as sugarless gum or hard candy,
raw vegetables such as carrot sticks, or sunflower seeds.
Activities. Exercise or do hobbies that keep your hands busy (needlework,
woodworking, etc.) and can help distract you from the urge to smoke.
Deep breathing. When you were smoking, you breathed deeply as you
inhaled the smoke. When the urge strikes now, breathe deeply and picture
your lungs filling with fresh, clean air. Remind yourself of your reasons for
quitting and the benefits you’ll gain as an ex-smoker.
Delay. If you feel that you are about to light up, delay. Tell yourself you must
wait at least 10 minutes. Often this simple trick will allow you to move beyond
the acute urge to smoke.
What you’re doing is not easy, so you deserve a reward. Put the money
you would have spent on tobacco in a jar every day and then buy yourself
a weekly treat. Buy a magazine, go out to eat, call a friend long-distance.
Or save the money for a major purchase. You can also reward yourself in
ways that don’t cost money: take time out to read, work on a hobby, or take
a relaxing bath.
Ways of Quitting:
Switch Brands
• Switch to a brand you find distasteful.
• Change to a brand that is low in tar and nicotine a couple of weeks
before your target date. This will help change your smoking behavior.
However, do not smoke more cigarettes, inhale them more often or
more deeply, or place your fingertips over the holes in the filters. All of
these will increase your nicotine intake, and the idea is to get your body
use to functioning without nicotine.
Cut Down the Number of Cigarettes You Smoke
• Smoke only half of each cigarette.
• Each day, postpone the lighting of your first cigarette 1 hour.
• Decide you’ll only smoke during odd or even hours of the day.
• Decide beforehand how many cigarettes you’ll smoke during the day.
For each additional cigarette, give a dollar to your favorite charity.
• Change your eating habits to help you cut down. For example, drink
milk, which many people consider incompatible with smoking. End
meals or snacks with something that won’t lead to a cigarette.
• Reach for a glass of juice instead of a cigarette for a “pick-me-up.”
• Remember: Cutting down can help you quit, but it’s not a substitute for
quitting. If you’re down to about 7 cigarettes a day, it’s time to set your
target quit date and get ready to stick to it.
Don’t Smoke “Automatically”
• Smoke only those cigarettes you really want. Catch yourself before you
light up a cigarette out of pure habit.
• Don’t empty your ashtrays. This will remind you of how many cigarettes
you’ve smoked each day, and the sight and the smell of stale cigarettes
butts will be very unpleasant.
• Make yourself aware of each cigarette by using the opposite hand or
putting cigarettes in an unfamiliar location or a different pocket to break
the automatic reach.
• If you light up many times during the day without even thinking about it,
try to look in a mirror each time you put a match to your cigarette–you
may decide you don’t need it.
Make Smoking Inconvenient
• Stop buying cigarettes by the carton. Wait until one pack is empty
before you buy another.
• Stop carrying cigarettes with you at home or at work. Make them difficult
to get to.
Make Smoking Unpleasant
• Smoke only under circumstances that aren’t especially pleasurable for
you. If you like to smoke with others, smoke alone. Turn your chair to an
empty corner and focus only on the cigarette you are smoking and all
its many negative effects.
• Collect all your cigarette butts in one large glass container as a visual
reminder of the filth made by smoking.
realize it is also a risk factor for cancer of the mouth, voice box (larynx),
bladder, kidney, pancreas, cervix, stomach, and some leukemias.
Smokers often say, “Don’t tell me why to quit, tell me how.” There is no
one right way to quit, but there are some key elements in quitting smoking
successfully. These 4 factors are crucial:
• Making the decision to quit
• Setting a quit date and choosing a quit plan
• Dealing with withdrawal
• Maintenance or staying quit
Making the Decision to Quit
The decision to quit smoking is one that only you can make. Others may
want you to quit, but the real commitment must come from you.
Researchers have looked into how and why people stop smoking. They have
some ideas, or models, of how this happens.
The Health Belief Model says that you will be more likely to stop smoking if
you:
• Believe that you could get a smoking-related disease and this worries
you
• Believe that you can make an honest attempt at quitting smoking
• Believe that the benefits of quitting outweigh the benefits of continuing
to smoke
• Know of someone who has had health problems as a result of their
smoking
Do any of these apply to you?
The Stages of Change Model identifies the stages that a person goes through
in making a change in behavior. Here are the stages as they apply to quitting
smoking:
• Pre-contemplator - This is the smoker who is not thinking seriously
about quitting right now.
• Contemplator - This is the smoker who is actively thinking about quitting
but is not quite ready to make a serious attempt yet. This person may
say, “Yes, I’m ready to quit, but the stress at work is too much, or I don’t
want to gain weight, or I’m not sure if I can do it.”
• Preparation - Smokers in the preparation stage seriously intend to quit
in the next month and often have tried to quit in the past 12 months.
They usually have a plan.
• Action - This is the first 6 months when the smoker is actively quitting.
• Maintenance - This is the period of 6 months to 5 years after quitting
when the ex-smoker is aware of the danger of relapse and take steps to
avoid it.
• Where do you fit in this model - If you are thinking about quitting, setting
a date and deciding on a plan will move you into the preparation stage,
the best place to start.
Why should you quit? Each smoker has his or her own reasons; here are
three good ones:
Your Family. Your family needs your financial and emotional support. If you
die prematurely from a smoking-related illness, who will do all the things you
do for your family?
Your Kids. Kids exposed to secondhand smoke at home are more prone to
colds, ear infections and allergies than children of nonsmoking parents. By
age 7, they may be shorter than their friends, lag behind in reading ability
and have behavior problems. Worse still, they will likely become smokers
themselves.
Yourself. It’s never too late to quit smoking. Right away, you’ll look better (no
more yellow teeth and fingers), feel better (good-bye hacking cough, hello
vitality) and enjoy life better (flowers smell sweeter, food tastes better).
The Next Move: You know why you want to quit. Now choose a date and put
a big red circle on the calendar. Every night before going to bed, state your
reasons for quitting out loud 10 times.
The Three Phases of Quitting:
• Deciding To Quit
• Preparing To Quit
• Following Through
For most people the best way to quit will be some combination of medicine, a
method to change personal habits, and emotional support. The best-known
medicines are probably nicotine substitutes such as the patch, gum, and
nasal spray, which are known as nicotine replacement therapy (NRT).
When smokers try to cut back or quit, the absence of nicotine leads to
withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal is both physical and psychological.
Physically, the body is reacting to the absence of the drug nicotine.
Psychologically, the smoker is faced with giving up a habit. Both must be
dealt with to succeed at quitting.
Withdrawal symptoms can include any of the following:
• Depression
• Feelings of frustration and anger
• Irritability
• Trouble sleeping
• Difficulty concentrating
• Restlessness
• Headache
• Tiredness
• Increased appetite
These uncomfortable symptoms lead the smoker to again start smoking
cigarettes to boost blood levels of nicotine back to a level where there are
no symptoms.
One way to overcome these urges or cravings is to identify rationalizations
as they come up. A rationalization is a mistaken belief that seems to make
sense at the time but is not based on facts. If you have tried to quit before,
you will probably recognize many of these common rationalizations.
• I’ll just have one to get through this rough spot. (Does a smoker ever
stop with just one?)
• Today is not a good day; I’ll quit tomorrow. (We’ve heard that one
before.)
• It’s my only vice.
• How bad is smoking, really? Uncle Harry smoked all his life and he
lived to be over 90. Air pollution is probably just as bad.
• You’ve got to die of something.
• Life is no fun without smoking.
You probably can add more to the list. As you go through the first few days
without smoking, write down any rationalizations as they come up and
recognize them for what they are: messages that can trap you into going
back to smoking. Use the ideas below to help you keep your commitment to
quitting.
Avoid people and places where you are tempted to smoke. Later on you will
be able to handle these with more confidence.
Alter habits. Switch to juices or water instead of alcohol or coffee. Take a
different route to work; take a brisk walk instead of a coffee break.
Alternatives. Use oral substitutions such as sugarless gum or hard candy,
raw vegetables such as carrot sticks, or sunflower seeds.
Activities. Exercise or do hobbies that keep your hands busy (needlework,
woodworking, etc.) and can help distract you from the urge to smoke.
Deep breathing. When you were smoking, you breathed deeply as you
inhaled the smoke. When the urge strikes now, breathe deeply and picture
your lungs filling with fresh, clean air. Remind yourself of your reasons for
quitting and the benefits you’ll gain as an ex-smoker.
Delay. If you feel that you are about to light up, delay. Tell yourself you must
wait at least 10 minutes. Often this simple trick will allow you to move beyond
the acute urge to smoke.
What you’re doing is not easy, so you deserve a reward. Put the money
you would have spent on tobacco in a jar every day and then buy yourself
a weekly treat. Buy a magazine, go out to eat, call a friend long-distance.
Or save the money for a major purchase. You can also reward yourself in
ways that don’t cost money: take time out to read, work on a hobby, or take
a relaxing bath.
Ways of Quitting:
Switch Brands
• Switch to a brand you find distasteful.
• Change to a brand that is low in tar and nicotine a couple of weeks
before your target date. This will help change your smoking behavior.
However, do not smoke more cigarettes, inhale them more often or
more deeply, or place your fingertips over the holes in the filters. All of
these will increase your nicotine intake, and the idea is to get your body
use to functioning without nicotine.
Cut Down the Number of Cigarettes You Smoke
• Smoke only half of each cigarette.
• Each day, postpone the lighting of your first cigarette 1 hour.
• Decide you’ll only smoke during odd or even hours of the day.
• Decide beforehand how many cigarettes you’ll smoke during the day.
For each additional cigarette, give a dollar to your favorite charity.
• Change your eating habits to help you cut down. For example, drink
milk, which many people consider incompatible with smoking. End
meals or snacks with something that won’t lead to a cigarette.
• Reach for a glass of juice instead of a cigarette for a “pick-me-up.”
• Remember: Cutting down can help you quit, but it’s not a substitute for
quitting. If you’re down to about 7 cigarettes a day, it’s time to set your
target quit date and get ready to stick to it.
Don’t Smoke “Automatically”
• Smoke only those cigarettes you really want. Catch yourself before you
light up a cigarette out of pure habit.
• Don’t empty your ashtrays. This will remind you of how many cigarettes
you’ve smoked each day, and the sight and the smell of stale cigarettes
butts will be very unpleasant.
• Make yourself aware of each cigarette by using the opposite hand or
putting cigarettes in an unfamiliar location or a different pocket to break
the automatic reach.
• If you light up many times during the day without even thinking about it,
try to look in a mirror each time you put a match to your cigarette–you
may decide you don’t need it.
Make Smoking Inconvenient
• Stop buying cigarettes by the carton. Wait until one pack is empty
before you buy another.
• Stop carrying cigarettes with you at home or at work. Make them difficult
to get to.
Make Smoking Unpleasant
• Smoke only under circumstances that aren’t especially pleasurable for
you. If you like to smoke with others, smoke alone. Turn your chair to an
empty corner and focus only on the cigarette you are smoking and all
its many negative effects.
• Collect all your cigarette butts in one large glass container as a visual
reminder of the filth made by smoking.
RELATIONSHIPS
Ten ways to Marry the Wrong Person By Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
With the divorce rate over 50%, too many are apparently making
a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life
with. To avoid becoming a “statistic,” try to internalize 10 insights.
1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change af ter
you’re married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential.
The golden rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way he or she is
now, don’t get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, “You actually can
expect people to change after their married...for the worst!” So when it comes
to the other person’s spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication
skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on
character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the
“I’m in love” syndrome. “I’m in love often means, “I’m in lust.” Attraction is
there, but have you carefully checked out this person’s character? Here are
four characteristics to definitely check for:
HUMILITY:
Does this person believe that “doing the right thing” is more important than
personal comfort?
KINDNESS:
Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he
treat people s/he doesn’t have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work?
Give to charity?
RESPONSIBILITY:
Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he’s going to do?
HAPPINESS:
Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally
stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have
a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn’t understand what a
women needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is
the man who just doesn’t get it. Jewish tradition places the onus on the man
to understand the emotional needs of the woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved.-to feel that she is the most
important person in her husband’s life. The husband needs to give her
consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent is Judaism’s approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah
obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy
is always on the woman’s terms. Men are goal oriented especially when it
comes to this area.
As a wise woman once pointed out, “Men have two speeds: on and
off.” Women are experience oriented.When a man is able to switch
gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what
makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs
and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things will happen.
4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goal
and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person: a) Chemistry
and compatibility b) share common interests c) share common life goal. Make
sure you share a deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide.
After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart.
To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you’re living for while you
are single-and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as
you. This is the true definition of a soul mate. A soul mate is a goal mate....two
people who ultimately share the same understanding of life’s purpose and
therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly.
Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem
because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual
involvement tends to cloud one’s mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to
make good decisions. It is not necessary to “test drive” in order to find out
if a couple are sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make
sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don’t have
to worry about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies on divorce, sexual
incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have deep emotional
connection.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not,
ask: “Do I respect and admire this person?” This does not mean, “Am I
impressed by this person?” We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not
respect someone because they own a Mercedes.
You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination,
etc. Also ask: “Do I trust this person?” This also means, “Is he/she
emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you
don’t feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person?
Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person
make me feel good myself? Do you have a really close friend who does
make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel
the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way?
You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are
afraid of how the other person will view it. If you’re afraid to express your
feelings and opinions openly, there’s a problem with the relationship.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don’t feel the other person is
trying to control you.
Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out
for someone who is always trying to change you. There is a big difference
between “controlling” and “making suggestions.” A suggestion is made for
your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
8. You pick the wrong person because you don’t put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for
discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate
how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over
the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise.
You need to know now, before making a commitment:
Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both
of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also
a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can’t
be vulnerable, you can’t be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from
personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you’ll probably be unhappy and married,
too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional
problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not
happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while
you are single. You’ll feel better and your future spouse will thank you.
10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle. To
be “triangulated” means a person is emotionally dependent on someone
or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person
who hasn’t separated from his or her parents is a classic example of
triangulation.
People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet,
hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of
triangles. The person caught in a triangle cannot be fully emotionally available
to you. You’ll not be their number one priority. An that’s not basis for a marriage.
5 REASON RELATIONSHIPS & MARRIAGES FAIL
1. Unresolved issues
2. Unmet expectations
3. Underestimated differences
4. Unforgiven mistakes
5. Undeveloped Maturity
COMPATIBILITY:
CHOOSING THE RIGHT PARTNER !
Taught by Bryan E. Crute. Senior Pastor
Destiny Metropolitan Worship Church
Proverbs 3:6
“Seek God’s will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:6
(NLT)
HOW GOD GUIDES US
1. THROUGH THE BIBLE
“God’s Word is a flashlight to light the path ahead of me and keep me from
stumbling.” Psalm 119:105 (LB)
“Every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful one way or another—
showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us
to live God’s way.” 2 Timothy 3:16 (Msg)
2. THROUGH IMPRESSIONS
“I will instruct you and guide you along the best pathway for your life; I’ll
advise you and watch your progress.” Psalm 32:8 (LB)
3. THROUGH CIRCUMSTANCES
“God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God
and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28 (NLT)
4. THROUGH RESEARCH OR REASON
“It is stupid to decide before knowing the facts!” Proverbs 18:13 (LB)
5. THROUGH ADVICE FROM MATURE CHRISTIANS
“The wisdom of the righteous can save you.” Proverbs 11:9 (GN)
“Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors
there is safety.” Proverbs 11:14 (KJV)
“God is not the author of confusion.” 1 Corinthians 14:33 (NIV)
SPECIFIC GUIDANCE ON FINDING THE RIGHT MATE
1. YOU MUST HAVE SPIRITUAL COMPATIBILITY.
“Do not unite yourself with an unbeliever; they are not fit mates for you.” 2
Corinthians 6:14 (NEB)
“Can a believer share life with an unbeliever?” 2 Corinthians 6:15 (GW)
2. YOU MUST HAVE LIFE PURPOSE COMPATIBILITY.
“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” Amos 3:
3 (NLT)
“God has made us what we are. In Christ Jesus, God made us to do good
works, which God planned in advance for us to live our lives doing.”
Ephesians 2:10 (NCV)
3. IT HELPS TO HAVE PERSONAL COMPATIBILITY.
“Some of you want to light your own fires and make your own light. So, go,
walk and trust your own light to guide you. But this is what you’ll receive... a
place of pain.” Isaiah 50:11 (NCV)
“I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a
good future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NCV)
IF YOU WANT TO FIND THE RIGHT MARRIAGE PARTNER:
1. Cultivate a personal relationship with Jesus Christ yourself.
2. Make a commitment to God’s standard in a partner.
3. Don’t date until your own emotional hurts are healed!
4. Discover & clarify your Life Mission first!
5. Get involved in a church family with godly singles.
6. Go slow. Find out all you can about a person & their family!
7. Get premarital counseling.
With the divorce rate over 50%, too many are apparently making
a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life
with. To avoid becoming a “statistic,” try to internalize 10 insights.
1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change af ter
you’re married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential.
The golden rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way he or she is
now, don’t get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, “You actually can
expect people to change after their married...for the worst!” So when it comes
to the other person’s spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication
skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on
character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the
“I’m in love” syndrome. “I’m in love often means, “I’m in lust.” Attraction is
there, but have you carefully checked out this person’s character? Here are
four characteristics to definitely check for:
HUMILITY:
Does this person believe that “doing the right thing” is more important than
personal comfort?
KINDNESS:
Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he
treat people s/he doesn’t have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work?
Give to charity?
RESPONSIBILITY:
Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he’s going to do?
HAPPINESS:
Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally
stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have
a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn’t understand what a
women needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is
the man who just doesn’t get it. Jewish tradition places the onus on the man
to understand the emotional needs of the woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved.-to feel that she is the most
important person in her husband’s life. The husband needs to give her
consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent is Judaism’s approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah
obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy
is always on the woman’s terms. Men are goal oriented especially when it
comes to this area.
As a wise woman once pointed out, “Men have two speeds: on and
off.” Women are experience oriented.When a man is able to switch
gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what
makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs
and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things will happen.
4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goal
and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person: a) Chemistry
and compatibility b) share common interests c) share common life goal. Make
sure you share a deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide.
After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart.
To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you’re living for while you
are single-and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as
you. This is the true definition of a soul mate. A soul mate is a goal mate....two
people who ultimately share the same understanding of life’s purpose and
therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly.
Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem
because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual
involvement tends to cloud one’s mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to
make good decisions. It is not necessary to “test drive” in order to find out
if a couple are sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make
sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don’t have
to worry about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies on divorce, sexual
incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have deep emotional
connection.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not,
ask: “Do I respect and admire this person?” This does not mean, “Am I
impressed by this person?” We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not
respect someone because they own a Mercedes.
You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination,
etc. Also ask: “Do I trust this person?” This also means, “Is he/she
emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you
don’t feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person?
Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person
make me feel good myself? Do you have a really close friend who does
make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel
the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way?
You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are
afraid of how the other person will view it. If you’re afraid to express your
feelings and opinions openly, there’s a problem with the relationship.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don’t feel the other person is
trying to control you.
Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out
for someone who is always trying to change you. There is a big difference
between “controlling” and “making suggestions.” A suggestion is made for
your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
8. You pick the wrong person because you don’t put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for
discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate
how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over
the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise.
You need to know now, before making a commitment:
Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both
of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also
a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can’t
be vulnerable, you can’t be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from
personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you’ll probably be unhappy and married,
too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional
problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not
happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while
you are single. You’ll feel better and your future spouse will thank you.
10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle. To
be “triangulated” means a person is emotionally dependent on someone
or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person
who hasn’t separated from his or her parents is a classic example of
triangulation.
People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet,
hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of
triangles. The person caught in a triangle cannot be fully emotionally available
to you. You’ll not be their number one priority. An that’s not basis for a marriage.
5 REASON RELATIONSHIPS & MARRIAGES FAIL
1. Unresolved issues
2. Unmet expectations
3. Underestimated differences
4. Unforgiven mistakes
5. Undeveloped Maturity
COMPATIBILITY:
CHOOSING THE RIGHT PARTNER !
Taught by Bryan E. Crute. Senior Pastor
Destiny Metropolitan Worship Church
Proverbs 3:6
“Seek God’s will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:6
(NLT)
HOW GOD GUIDES US
1. THROUGH THE BIBLE
“God’s Word is a flashlight to light the path ahead of me and keep me from
stumbling.” Psalm 119:105 (LB)
“Every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful one way or another—
showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us
to live God’s way.” 2 Timothy 3:16 (Msg)
2. THROUGH IMPRESSIONS
“I will instruct you and guide you along the best pathway for your life; I’ll
advise you and watch your progress.” Psalm 32:8 (LB)
3. THROUGH CIRCUMSTANCES
“God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God
and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28 (NLT)
4. THROUGH RESEARCH OR REASON
“It is stupid to decide before knowing the facts!” Proverbs 18:13 (LB)
5. THROUGH ADVICE FROM MATURE CHRISTIANS
“The wisdom of the righteous can save you.” Proverbs 11:9 (GN)
“Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors
there is safety.” Proverbs 11:14 (KJV)
“God is not the author of confusion.” 1 Corinthians 14:33 (NIV)
SPECIFIC GUIDANCE ON FINDING THE RIGHT MATE
1. YOU MUST HAVE SPIRITUAL COMPATIBILITY.
“Do not unite yourself with an unbeliever; they are not fit mates for you.” 2
Corinthians 6:14 (NEB)
“Can a believer share life with an unbeliever?” 2 Corinthians 6:15 (GW)
2. YOU MUST HAVE LIFE PURPOSE COMPATIBILITY.
“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” Amos 3:
3 (NLT)
“God has made us what we are. In Christ Jesus, God made us to do good
works, which God planned in advance for us to live our lives doing.”
Ephesians 2:10 (NCV)
3. IT HELPS TO HAVE PERSONAL COMPATIBILITY.
“Some of you want to light your own fires and make your own light. So, go,
walk and trust your own light to guide you. But this is what you’ll receive... a
place of pain.” Isaiah 50:11 (NCV)
“I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a
good future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NCV)
IF YOU WANT TO FIND THE RIGHT MARRIAGE PARTNER:
1. Cultivate a personal relationship with Jesus Christ yourself.
2. Make a commitment to God’s standard in a partner.
3. Don’t date until your own emotional hurts are healed!
4. Discover & clarify your Life Mission first!
5. Get involved in a church family with godly singles.
6. Go slow. Find out all you can about a person & their family!
7. Get premarital counseling.
Winners & Loosers
Points To Ponder
1. A Winner always has a prgramme
A Loser always has an excuse
2. A Winner always see's an answer for every answer
A Loser always see's a problem for every answer
3. A Winner always say's "It may be difficult but it is possible"
A Looser always say's "It may be possible but it is too difficult"
4. A Winner make's commitments
A Looser make's promises
5. Winner see's the gain
Looser see's the pain
6. Winners believe in Win! Win! Win!
Lossers believe for one to win, someone has to loose.
1. A Winner always has a prgramme
A Loser always has an excuse
2. A Winner always see's an answer for every answer
A Loser always see's a problem for every answer
3. A Winner always say's "It may be difficult but it is possible"
A Looser always say's "It may be possible but it is too difficult"
4. A Winner make's commitments
A Looser make's promises
5. Winner see's the gain
Looser see's the pain
6. Winners believe in Win! Win! Win!
Lossers believe for one to win, someone has to loose.
What are your tendencies?
Work quickly through the following 20 questions, selecting an answer
that most nearly describes your response to people or situations. The
responses provided won’t always describe you exactly or cover the myriad
emotions and reaction that are generated within each of us. When you read
each question, ask yourself,” In general, which of these answers usually
would apply to me?” Move through the questions rapidly, trusting in your
intuitive response, which is usually the most accurate.
1. I like to help people
1) Understand the proper facts
2) Enjoy themselves
3) Accomplish a task
4) Feel better.
2. I rarely hear myself say
1) “I will do it immediately”
2) “I will give this careful thought and study”
3) “I will do whatever you say.”
4) “You are wrong.”
3. I most desire to
1) Understand
2) Have fun
3) Conquer challenges
4) Forge closer relationships
4. I would describe myself as
1) Thoughtful and deliberate
2) Friendly and energetic
3) Goal oriented and driven.
4) Loyal and committed.
5. I have the most difficulty with
1) Operating at a rapid pace for extended periods
2) Following up every little detail
3) Being patient with others’ procrastination and weakness
4) Asserting myself
6. I enjoy giving people
1) Correct information
2) A laugh
3) A challenge
4) A helping hand
7. I could easily put together a long list of
1) facts about a given topic
2) my friends
3) my goals
4) my values
8. I most dislike
1) Being rushed
2) Being alone
3) Losing
4) Attacking someone
9. I am motivated by
1) A desire to learn and the satisfaction of a job well done
2) Excitement and variety
3) Challenge and crisis
4) Building relationships with others
10. My decisions are usually
1) Careful and reasoned
2) Emotional and impulsive
3) Quick and decisive
4) Based on others’ feelings, as well as my own
11. My friends would most likely say that I am
1) Careful and knowledgeable
2) Friendly and fun to be with
3) Strong and fearless
4) Loyal and Patient
12. I most fear
1) Chaos and crisis
2) Being disliked
3) Losing control
4) Confrontation
13. I dislike people who are
1) Making me hurry
2) Boring
3) Weak
4) Insensitive
14. I am confident that
1) I can learn a lot about almost anything
2) I can overcome most obstacles by the power of my personality
3) I can meet and master any challenge
4) I will always treasure my friends and family over financial
success
15. When I have an important decision to make, I would be most
likely to
1) Gather all the relevant information, consider it thoroughly, and
then arrive at a carefully reasoned decision.
2) Make a snap decision based on my feelings at the time,and I
might change my mind later
3) Quickly arrive at the best possible decision, and I expect others
to go along
4) Ask others how they would be affected by the consequences of
my actions, and I would try to consider their best interests, not
just my own.
16. If I could select only one word to describe myself, it would be
1) Intelligent
2) Friendly
3) Strong
4) Faithful
17. I enjoy
1) Learning
2) Talking
3) Winning
4) Giving
18. I prefer to do things
1) The correct way. I like things to be done accurately.
2) The fun way. I enjoy variety and excitement
3) My way. I like to be in charge
4) The confrontational way. I would rather not conflict with the
desires of others.
19. I like people who are
1) Logical and patient
2) Spontaneous and energetic
3) Capable and cooperative
4) Friendly and kind.
20. I like to think that I am
1) Correct
2) Cheerful
3) In control
4) Compassionate
The survey says
Most questions with
1-(Thinker) 2-(Energizer) 3-(Achiever) 4-(Mediator)
Bringing out the best in a thinkers
• Give them time
• Avoid hyperbole and exaggeration
• Allow them to ask questions
• Make allowances for their natural caution
• Include them, rather than dictate to them.
Bringing out the best in energizers
• Let them talk
• Remember that they are often highly creative. Listen to their
suggestions.
• Don’t bog them down with too many details
• Be sure to follow up on them
• Take sometime for personal conversation before getting down to
business.
Bringing out the best in achievers.
• Don’t waste time with small talk
• You will have to help them delegate. (Remember that Achievers like
control.)
• Don’t let them intimidate you.
• Always, always set new goals and challenges
• Show them how they will benefit professionally and financially.
Bringing out the best of Mediators
• Give them time to adjust to change
• Show them how change will benefit others. They love to contribute to
others’ well being
• Remember what motivates them. Your words motivate them
• Know that values are important to them
• Help them to meet and resolve conflict successfully.
that most nearly describes your response to people or situations. The
responses provided won’t always describe you exactly or cover the myriad
emotions and reaction that are generated within each of us. When you read
each question, ask yourself,” In general, which of these answers usually
would apply to me?” Move through the questions rapidly, trusting in your
intuitive response, which is usually the most accurate.
1. I like to help people
1) Understand the proper facts
2) Enjoy themselves
3) Accomplish a task
4) Feel better.
2. I rarely hear myself say
1) “I will do it immediately”
2) “I will give this careful thought and study”
3) “I will do whatever you say.”
4) “You are wrong.”
3. I most desire to
1) Understand
2) Have fun
3) Conquer challenges
4) Forge closer relationships
4. I would describe myself as
1) Thoughtful and deliberate
2) Friendly and energetic
3) Goal oriented and driven.
4) Loyal and committed.
5. I have the most difficulty with
1) Operating at a rapid pace for extended periods
2) Following up every little detail
3) Being patient with others’ procrastination and weakness
4) Asserting myself
6. I enjoy giving people
1) Correct information
2) A laugh
3) A challenge
4) A helping hand
7. I could easily put together a long list of
1) facts about a given topic
2) my friends
3) my goals
4) my values
8. I most dislike
1) Being rushed
2) Being alone
3) Losing
4) Attacking someone
9. I am motivated by
1) A desire to learn and the satisfaction of a job well done
2) Excitement and variety
3) Challenge and crisis
4) Building relationships with others
10. My decisions are usually
1) Careful and reasoned
2) Emotional and impulsive
3) Quick and decisive
4) Based on others’ feelings, as well as my own
11. My friends would most likely say that I am
1) Careful and knowledgeable
2) Friendly and fun to be with
3) Strong and fearless
4) Loyal and Patient
12. I most fear
1) Chaos and crisis
2) Being disliked
3) Losing control
4) Confrontation
13. I dislike people who are
1) Making me hurry
2) Boring
3) Weak
4) Insensitive
14. I am confident that
1) I can learn a lot about almost anything
2) I can overcome most obstacles by the power of my personality
3) I can meet and master any challenge
4) I will always treasure my friends and family over financial
success
15. When I have an important decision to make, I would be most
likely to
1) Gather all the relevant information, consider it thoroughly, and
then arrive at a carefully reasoned decision.
2) Make a snap decision based on my feelings at the time,and I
might change my mind later
3) Quickly arrive at the best possible decision, and I expect others
to go along
4) Ask others how they would be affected by the consequences of
my actions, and I would try to consider their best interests, not
just my own.
16. If I could select only one word to describe myself, it would be
1) Intelligent
2) Friendly
3) Strong
4) Faithful
17. I enjoy
1) Learning
2) Talking
3) Winning
4) Giving
18. I prefer to do things
1) The correct way. I like things to be done accurately.
2) The fun way. I enjoy variety and excitement
3) My way. I like to be in charge
4) The confrontational way. I would rather not conflict with the
desires of others.
19. I like people who are
1) Logical and patient
2) Spontaneous and energetic
3) Capable and cooperative
4) Friendly and kind.
20. I like to think that I am
1) Correct
2) Cheerful
3) In control
4) Compassionate
The survey says
Most questions with
1-(Thinker) 2-(Energizer) 3-(Achiever) 4-(Mediator)
Bringing out the best in a thinkers
• Give them time
• Avoid hyperbole and exaggeration
• Allow them to ask questions
• Make allowances for their natural caution
• Include them, rather than dictate to them.
Bringing out the best in energizers
• Let them talk
• Remember that they are often highly creative. Listen to their
suggestions.
• Don’t bog them down with too many details
• Be sure to follow up on them
• Take sometime for personal conversation before getting down to
business.
Bringing out the best in achievers.
• Don’t waste time with small talk
• You will have to help them delegate. (Remember that Achievers like
control.)
• Don’t let them intimidate you.
• Always, always set new goals and challenges
• Show them how they will benefit professionally and financially.
Bringing out the best of Mediators
• Give them time to adjust to change
• Show them how change will benefit others. They love to contribute to
others’ well being
• Remember what motivates them. Your words motivate them
• Know that values are important to them
• Help them to meet and resolve conflict successfully.
THE FOUR SPIRITUAL LAWS
1. God LOVES you and offers a wonderful PLAN for your life.
(References contained on this Home Page are from the Bible and should
be read in context wherever possible.)
God’s Love
“God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever
believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life”
(John 3:16 NIV).
God’s Plan
[Christ speaking] “I came that they might have life, and might have it
abundantly” [that it might be full and meaningful] (John 10:10).
Why is it that most people are not experiencing the abundant life?
Because...
2. Man is SINFUL and SEPARATED from God. Therefore, he cannot know
and experience God’s love and plan for his life.
Man Is Sinful
“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”
(Romans 3:23). Man was created to have fellowship with God; but, because
of his stubborn self-will, he chose to go his own independent way, and
fellowship with God was broken. This self-will, characterized by an attitude
of active rebellion or passive indifference, is an evidence of what the Bible
calls sin.
Man Is Separated
“The wages of sin is death” [spiritual separation from God] (Romans 6:23).
This diagram illustrates that God is holy and man is sinful. A great gulf
separates the two. The arrows illustrate that man is continually trying to
reach God and the abundant life through his own efforts, such as a good
life, philosophy, or religion - but he inevitably fails.
The third law explains the only way to bridge this gulf...
3. Jesus Christ is God’s ONLY provision for man’s sin. Through Him you
can know and experience God’s love and plan for your life.
He Died in Our Place
“God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet
sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).
He Rose From the Dead
“Christ died for our sins...He was buried...He was raised on the third day,
according to the Scriptures...He appeared to
Peter, then to the twelve. After that He appeared to more than five
hundred...”
(1 Corinthians 15:3-6).
He Is the Only Way to God
“Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes
to the Father, but through Me’” (John 14:6).
This diagram illustrates that God has bridged the gulf which separates us
from Him by sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross in our place
to pay the penalty for our sins.
It is not enough just to know these three laws...
4. We must individually RECEIVE Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord; then we
can know and experience God’s love and plan for our lives.
We Must Receive Christ
“As many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of
God, even to those who believe in His name” (John 1:12)
We Receive Christ Through Faith
“By grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it
is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast”
(Ephesians 2:8,9).
When We Receive Christ, We Experience a New Birth
(Read John 3:1-8.)
We Receive Christ by Personal Invitation
[Christ speaking] “Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if any one hears
My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him”
(Revelation 3:20).
Receiving Christ involves turning to God from self (repentance) and trusting
Christ to come into our lives to forgive our sins and to make us what He wants
us to be. Just to agree intellectually that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and
that He died on the cross for our sins is not enough. Nor is it enough to have
an emotional experience. We receive Jesus Christ by faith, as an act of the will.
These two circles represent two kinds of lives:
Which circle best describes your life?
Which circle would you like to have represent your life?
The following explains how you can receive Christ:
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer
(Prayer is talking to God)
God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He
is with the attitude of your heart. The following is a suggested prayer:
“Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I
open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank
You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of
the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.”
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? If it does, I invite you to pray
this prayer right now and Christ will come into your life, as He promised.
(References contained on this Home Page are from the Bible and should
be read in context wherever possible.)
God’s Love
“God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever
believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life”
(John 3:16 NIV).
God’s Plan
[Christ speaking] “I came that they might have life, and might have it
abundantly” [that it might be full and meaningful] (John 10:10).
Why is it that most people are not experiencing the abundant life?
Because...
2. Man is SINFUL and SEPARATED from God. Therefore, he cannot know
and experience God’s love and plan for his life.
Man Is Sinful
“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”
(Romans 3:23). Man was created to have fellowship with God; but, because
of his stubborn self-will, he chose to go his own independent way, and
fellowship with God was broken. This self-will, characterized by an attitude
of active rebellion or passive indifference, is an evidence of what the Bible
calls sin.
Man Is Separated
“The wages of sin is death” [spiritual separation from God] (Romans 6:23).
This diagram illustrates that God is holy and man is sinful. A great gulf
separates the two. The arrows illustrate that man is continually trying to
reach God and the abundant life through his own efforts, such as a good
life, philosophy, or religion - but he inevitably fails.
The third law explains the only way to bridge this gulf...
3. Jesus Christ is God’s ONLY provision for man’s sin. Through Him you
can know and experience God’s love and plan for your life.
He Died in Our Place
“God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet
sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).
He Rose From the Dead
“Christ died for our sins...He was buried...He was raised on the third day,
according to the Scriptures...He appeared to
Peter, then to the twelve. After that He appeared to more than five
hundred...”
(1 Corinthians 15:3-6).
He Is the Only Way to God
“Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes
to the Father, but through Me’” (John 14:6).
This diagram illustrates that God has bridged the gulf which separates us
from Him by sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross in our place
to pay the penalty for our sins.
It is not enough just to know these three laws...
4. We must individually RECEIVE Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord; then we
can know and experience God’s love and plan for our lives.
We Must Receive Christ
“As many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of
God, even to those who believe in His name” (John 1:12)
We Receive Christ Through Faith
“By grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it
is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast”
(Ephesians 2:8,9).
When We Receive Christ, We Experience a New Birth
(Read John 3:1-8.)
We Receive Christ by Personal Invitation
[Christ speaking] “Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if any one hears
My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him”
(Revelation 3:20).
Receiving Christ involves turning to God from self (repentance) and trusting
Christ to come into our lives to forgive our sins and to make us what He wants
us to be. Just to agree intellectually that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and
that He died on the cross for our sins is not enough. Nor is it enough to have
an emotional experience. We receive Jesus Christ by faith, as an act of the will.
These two circles represent two kinds of lives:
Which circle best describes your life?
Which circle would you like to have represent your life?
The following explains how you can receive Christ:
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer
(Prayer is talking to God)
God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He
is with the attitude of your heart. The following is a suggested prayer:
“Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I
open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank
You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of
the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.”
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? If it does, I invite you to pray
this prayer right now and Christ will come into your life, as He promised.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
MASTURBATION: RIGHT OR WRONG?
I’ve been collecting the information for this page over the past 5 years. I’ve drawn from a combination of sources, including the Bible, my experience as a former sex addict and correspondence with thousands of people involved in various stages of sex addiction. I honestly have not found one long term benefit of masturbation, yet plenty of reasons to refrain from it.
Regardless of whether you are a Christian or not, I encourage you to thoughtfully consider the below points about masturbation and how it affects us.
For those people taking our Freedom from Masturbation study, the below points should help bolster your desire and commitment to seek freedom from the habit.
Non-spiritual points about masturbation:Masturbation is addictive! I encourage anyone who doubts masturbation is addictive to see how many weeks or months they can go without masturbating.
As with drug addiction, masturbation requires an increasing amount of stimulus to achieve the same level of pleasure. This often leads people into searching for more and more sources of things to lust after to feed their craving for masturbation (ex. porn). Left unchecked, this progression can result in debt, sexual crimes, perversions and other harmful effects.
Masturbation conditions our bodies to respond to self-stimulation, which is self-centered. This damages our ability to relate to another person sexually. Sex is a relational experience, where we give attention to another person’s needs at least as much as to our own. If we’ve been serving our own desires habitually, we may find it difficult to give our partner the attention he or she deserves.
Masturbation conditions our bodies to respond to fantasy more than reality: Sexual arousal causes powerful hormones to be released that cause emotional bonding between the person and the stimuli. The hormones reinforce the thought patterns and memory associated with the stimuli. The result is that we become sexually oriented toward whatever we’ve been looking at/experiencing when we’ve been masturbating.
For example, a married man who has been masturbating to pictures of blond women may find it hard to get excited about his brunette wife. This could ultimately lead him to seek a sexual experience mirroring his fantasies outside his marriage.
The truth is that reality and fantasy rarely match up. For example, porn usually features people with perfect bodies who tirelessly pursue sexual adventure. Real people don’t typically function like that, and often the acts depicted in porn aren’t as enjoyable as they may look. People who continue to load their minds with these fantasies will inevitably start to believe they are true.
For example, a man who has been masturbating to pictures of sadomasochism may start to believe that women enjoy being beaten up during sex. When his wife refuses to help him act out his sado-fantasy, he could become belligerent. He may even try to force her to do it anyway, believing the lie that once she experiences it she will like it.
Masturbation causes sexual imbalance: Masturbation stirs up our sexual emotions and trains our bodies to seek a sexual release more frequently than normal. Sex is an important part of many people’s lives; however, common sense tells us that there should be a balance between sex and the other activities in our lives. Masturbation disrupts that balance by training our bodies to expect gratification more frequently than normal. The reality is that most of us don’t have time and/or opportunity to be having sex 3 or 4 times a day. The imbalance between reality and fantasy can likely drive an addict further into a masturbation habit.
The imbalance caused by masturbation addiction will affect other areas of our lives by diverting energy, time and resources into sexual fantasy. For example, here’s a typical scenario we read about often in email: A man stays up late each night to surf for porn to masturbate to. His job performance suffers because he can’t stay awake, his family life sours because he’s grouchy, his wife is alienated from him by his lack of affection and interest in her, and his debt increases because of the credit card charges from the porn sites he’s visiting to feed his habit.
The people most likely to suffer from the imbalance are people who don’t have a regular provision for sexual intimacy (ex. teens, singles, divorcées, and widowers). Ironically, these are the same people that may be strongly tempted to indulge in porn and masturbation. If they wet their appetite by
indulging, chances are that they could easily get hooked in the addictive cycle that the imbalance creates.
Spiritual points about masturbation:Masturbation causes you to be “mastered” by sin: The Bible says that there are only two things that we can be a slave to: sin or righteousness. There are no other masters. Paul wrote, “Do you not know that if you yield yourselves to any one as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness?” (Romans 6:16 NKJV).
Which master does masturbation bring us under?
In almost every case, it is used to complement lust and the Bible identifies lust as sin in several places. For example, Jesus said in Matthew 5:28, “But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” When you consider that masturbation usually includes thinking about what it would be like to have sex with someone (i.e. lusting) while simulating the physical feeling, its easy to see that it brings us under the master of sin.
God does not want people to be mastered by sin.
For example, he told Cain, “If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it” (Genesis 4:7 NKJV). Cain let sin rule him by murdering his brother Abel. His life was drastically affected. He lost his job, his peace, his home, and his blessing and spent the rest of his days as a “restless wanderer” (Genesis 4:12). Likewise, we have the same opportunity to choose our master. If we choose sin as our master, our life will bear the fruit that sin brings - i.e. destruction, sorrow, dissatisfaction, death, etc.. If we choose righteousness as our master, we will reap life!
Paul wrote: 20When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:20-23 NIV
Masturbation uses your body as an instrument for sin: Your body is to be presented and used as an instrument for righteousness (not sin). Paul wrote, “Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts. And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God” (Romans 6:12-13 NKJV).
God can best use us when we keep our “vessels” (body, soul & spirit) free of sin. Paul wrote: “In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble. If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work. Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:20-22 NIV).
Our responsibility is to cleanse ourselves from sinful motives and purposes. Masturbation is the exact opposite of fleeing evil desires because it involves setting our minds on the evil desires and simulating the sexual act with our bodies. In so doing, we are hindering the usefulness of our vessels for God.
Masturbation defiles God’s temple and grieves the Holy Spirit: As believers in Jesus Christ, we are one with God’s Spirit, who lives in our bodies. Our bodies are literally temples of God since the Holy Spirit lives in us. Sexual sin is uniquely harmful in that it damages this special union we have with God. Paul alluded to this by writing that sexual sin is sinning against our own bodies (1 Corinthians 6:18). He even compared it to trying to unite Jesus with a prostitute (1 Corinthians 6:15-16). Since masturbation is a form of sexual sin (via lust and sexual idolatry), it will likewise damage our relationship with God and defile his temple (our bodies).
God’s command to the Christian is to “honor God with your body,” (1 Corinthians 6:20 NIV) which is a form of spiritual worship that we do physically. Romans 12:1-2 NIV states, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is--his
good, pleasing and perfect will.”
Masturbation reinforces “carnal mindedness”: Paul wrote, “Live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want” (Galatians 5:16-17 NIV). Masturbation sets our minds on gratifying our sinful desires and in so doing we become “carnally minded.” Carnal mindedness destroys our life and peace and keeps us from pleasing God. Paul wrote, “For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God” (Romans 8:5-8 NKJV).
Masturbation brings you into deception and corruption: Masturbation opens the door to the deceiving influences of lust. Paul wrote about this deceit in Ephesians 4:22-24 NKJV: “put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.”
Continuing to embrace lust through masturbation will therefore hinder any progress we want to make in becoming the “new man” God created us to be. Our repeated practice of lust through masturbation will also bring about a “hardening” of our spiritual heart toward God (Hebrews 3:13). This could ultimately cause us to turn away from God completely.
Concluding CommentsOverall, masturbation can rob you of many of the blessings God has planned for your life. If you are a Christian, you have an obligation, not to live focused on fulfilling your fleshly lusts, but rather, to live focused on fulfilling the desires of the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:12-13). Masturbation poses the threat of lifelong bondage and a handicapped spiritual walk. Jesus was resurrected so that you also could live in a new life, free from the slavery of sin.
Roots of Masturbation Previous page: Masturbation: Right or Wrong?Note: As you go through this page, feel free to print it, write on it and use it as a study guide. Masturbation is usually an outer manifestation of an inner problem. We can use an agricultural analogy to illustrate. Consider the masturbation habit as
a weed and its underlying causes as the weed’s roots. Weeds tend to have robust roots. If you want to remove the weed, you must remove the root as well, or the weed will grow back. Likewise, if we want to permanently stop the masturbation habit, we’ll need to find and remove its roots.
Step 1: Ask God to help you answer the question, “Why am I masturbating?” A simple prayer for this could be:
“Heavenly Father, I invite you to help me discover the reasons for why I have been masturbating. Please reveal the truth to me through the Holy Spirit as I am able to deal with it. In the name of Jesus Christ, I command any voice that is not of God to be silent now. I speak the peace of Christ to my mind, spirit and body. Thank you, Father, In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”
Following this prayer, it would be helpful to spend time listening for the Holy Spirit, writing down any thoughts that come up, and thanking God for whatever he reveals.
Some common reasons for masturbation we’ve seen include:
Medicate pain of rejection, abuse, poor self-esteem, etc. Medicate frustration or stress Love of pleasure Self-pity Independence / self-sufficiency Complement a porn habit “Safe” sex / trying to maintain physical virginity “Healthy release” of sexual tension Impatience: Unwilling to wait on God for sexual provision
My former masturbation habit was based on many of the above reasons, and it’s quite possible that it’s a combination of reasons for you as well.
Reasons for my habit: ____________________________________(list as appropriate for you)
Step 2: Identify the associated rootsOnce we know the surface reasons for our habit, we can then seek to uncover the root causes of those reasons. Again, we should invite God to guide us in
discovering the roots.
A sample prayer for this could be:
“Lord, please help me understand the root causes behind the reasons for my habit. Please help me to see the truth. Thank you, Father! Amen.”
Roots usually begin with an experience that disrupts our healthy physical, emotional or spiritual development. If we respond to that experience in unhealthy (i.e. sinful) ways, it will cause the root to grow. There are so many possible scenarios of how these roots can get started, that it’s impossible to cover them all here.
By sharing some of the roots we’ve seen, we hope to help you uncover the roots under your habit.
Generally, the roots involve sin that we committed or that someone committed against us. Here are some examples of roots linked to masturbation:
Trauma /violence/abuse/molestation
Rejection (ex. unloved by parents, being made fun of by peers, abuse, getting dumped by girlfriend or boyfriend, etc.
) Generational influences
Unforgiveness (including bitterness, resentment, grudges, etc.)
Occult activity
Sexual sin
Pride (“I can do it myself,” or “I don’t need anyone,” or “I don’t need God,” etc...)
Lust / sexual idolatry
Soul ties
Homosexual activity and other perversions (bestiality, group sex, fetishes, etc.)
Take some time to think through your life starting from as far back as you can remember and look for indications of starting points for roots such as those listed above. Let God’s Spirit lead you as you do this. I’ve listed some typical life periods below where roots are often started. Be sure to write down anyroots that the Lord shows you as you do this.
Early childhood (0-3):__________________________________
Pre-school (3-6): _____________________________________
Grade School (7-12): __________________________________
Teens (13-19): _______________________________________
Career/College/Marriage/etc. (20-40):_________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Other: ______________________________________________
Here is an example of how these roots can get started and grow in our lives:
A father continually berates his 7 yr old son for his poor aptitude for sports. The father is unable to see any value in his son’s love for music, art and drama. Those activities “are for sissies,” according to the father. The son is emotionally wounded by his father’s rejection and this becomes the starting point of a “root of rejection.”
The father continues to express his disapproval with his son’s preferences. The boy begins to believe that he can do no right in his father’s eyes and that he’ll never amount to anything. As the boy grows into adolescence, he responds to the pain of rejection by being reclusive and rebellious. When a
friend introduces him to pornography and masturbation, the boy discovers a pleasure he never knew before. The intimate images of porn offer him the acceptance and love he’s always longed for. It doesn’t matter to him that the porn is based on fantasy - he’ll take any love and acceptance he can get. Finding solace in masturbation, he soon finds himself addicted to it.
Step 3: Remove the roots
The importance of removing the roots cannot be underestimated. Not only do root fragments grow new weeds, but they also release “spiritual poison” that damages us. Moses mentioned this fact in Deuteronomy 29:18 NIV:
“Make sure there is no man or woman, clan or tribe among you today whose heart turns away from the LORD our God to go and worship the gods of those nations; make sure there is no root among you that produces such bitter poison.”
In the Israelites’ case, idolatry was the root that produced the poison of spiritual confusion. Masturbation’s roots produce poisons such as sexually-charged memories, selfishness, lust, perversion, numbed conscience and damaged relational skills. The longer we allow the root to remain in us, the deeper the damage that we’ll have to recover from.
Since there are so many possible roots, we will give you some general suggestions to help you discover your roots. From there you will have to seek God’s guidance on the specifics for your situation.
It is possible that you may encounter resistance as you go into the areas of the roots. The resistance may indicate the presence of evil spirits/demons associated with the root. Manifestations of this resistance can widely vary. Some examples could include: hot flashes, difficulty speaking, difficulty breathing, uncontrollable thoughts, uncontrollable bodily movement, rage, physical pain and the mind “blanking out.”
We share this not to cause fear, but simply to prepare you in advance for what you may experience. If the devil has you in bondage, he will be reluctant to let you go. No matter what happens, know that the Lord Jesus is with you and lives in you and is greater than any power of the devil. If any such manifestations occur, you can take authority over them in the name of Jesus Christ and command them to stop. An example statement you can make is, “In the name of Jesus Christ, I command the evil spirit causing this
manifestation to stop. I am saved by the blood of Jesus and I have authority over you. Release me right now.” At that point you should be able to proceed. If not, you may want to obtain help from a trusted group of believers who will help you pray and work through the root area. It may be that you will need “deliverance ministry” to completely deal with that area.
We encourage you to be patient as you go through the different areas of your roots. This can often take time to deal with. Don’t allow the devil to convince you to give up. Keep at it persistently as the Lord directs you. Don’t settle for the lie “I’ll never be free.”
A. Start with Prayer: Prayer plugs us into God’s power supply. He has the power to work the impossible. Jesus said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26 NIV). As you pray, believe in your heart that God’s power is going to make the difference. Believe that he is hearing your prayer and will respond. Your faith completes the “circuit” of God’s power in your life.
Sample Prayer: “Father God, I thank you for loving me and dying for me. Thank you for being with me right now. Please help me remove the roots of my addiction completely. Please guide me and protect me from the evil one. I believe in the freedom that is mine through Jesus Christ. Please help me in any unbelief I may have. Thank you, Father.”
B. Confession, Repentance and Release: In this step we take responsibility for our sin involved with the masturbation and its roots. We repent from the sin by turning away from it and no longer embracing it. Finally, we must release any unhealthy attitudes we have clung to.
Confess and repent from the sin involved with your masturbation habit: These typically are lust, sexual idolatry, love of pleasure, and pride in self-provision. Example prayer: “Heavenly Father, I confess that I have idolized sex in my mind and dwelled on lustful thoughts. I confess that I have imagined myself committing sexual sin while masturbating. I confess that I have turned to my own provision for sex and have not waited for your best for my sexuality. I repent from all of these activities and renounce my tolerance of these sins in my life. Thank you for forgiving me through the blood of Jesus! I receive that forgiveness in Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Confess and repent from the sin you committed in each root area: Taking the roots you wrote down in the above section, now confess the specific sins involved that you committed. If you are not sure about the sins involved, ask the Holy Spirit to help you identify the sins involved. Here are some examples of the possible sins involved with certain roots:
Root Examples of possible sins involved
Trauma fear, rage, violent behavior, unforgiveness
Rejection unforgiveness, rebellion, perversion
Occult activity pride, lust for power, trying to control others (witchcraft)
Sexual sin lust, sexual idolatry, love of pleasure, pride
Soul ties Cherishing sin memories
Homosexuality Rebellion, unforgiveness, lust, hatred of man/woman
Example prayer for confession and repentance:
“Heavenly Father, I confess that I have sinned in the following ways: ______
____________________________________________________________________.
Please forgive me for these sins. I turn from them now and shut the door on them. I seal the door with the blood of Jesus Christ. I renounce my activities associated with these sins. I recommit myself to you, Lord, body, soul and spirit.”
Release anything we are holding on to related to the former roots that are a stumbling block for sin. Examples include unforgiveness, cherished sin memories, anger, hatred, malice and the desire for revenge. These attitudes will continue to poison our mind and emotions until we release them to God.
Unforgiveness and cherished sin memories are common with sex addicts. To release unforgiveness, we must forgive the people involved (with Jesus’ help). For the cherished sin memories, we must surrender the memories to God and restrain our thoughts from fantasizing over the memories.
Example prayer of release: “Father, I release these sinful attitudes and/or cherished memories to you right now.
Specifically, I release ______________ (list your specific items). Please take them from me and cleanse me with the blood of Jesus from any residue or poison they have left in me. I forgive the people who have done evil to me:_______________ (list them).
Please fill me afresh with your Holy Spirit now and replace any former areas of sinful attitudes with love, joy, peace, kindness, patience, self-control, goodness, faithfulness and gentleness. Thank you, Father.”
C. Pray for healing: This final activity is where we invite God to complete the emotional, physical and spiritual healing in us that our confession and repentance has cleared the way for. 1 John 1:9 NKJV says, “If we confess our sins He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Also, James 5:15 NIV says, “And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.”
God will purify us, heal us, raise us up and forgive us when we’ve confessed our sin and prayed in faith for healing of our addiction. Praying for healing is not rocket science. Remember that it is the Lord who will do the healing and all you need to do is to ask and believe that he will do so. You don’t have to pray an elaborate prayer to receive results. You simply need to be sincere and prepared to back up your healing by obedience in the respective area.
Some activities that will help you get into the right mindset for praying for healing include:
Spend time in praise and worship prior to praying
Review and recite scriptures on healing during your prayer times and throughout the day to boost your faith level
Allow God time to respond during your prayer, i.e. don’t talk the whole time! Prayer is a conversation with God, so take time to listen and reflect on God’s word.
Allow plenty of time for your prayer, so that you are not rushed
Pray intermittently in tongues as the Lord leads you
Remember to thank the Lord for the healing he has and will do in you
More on prayer: Prayer Basics
Here are some example prayer excerpts addressing typical root issues:
Removal of any remaining roots: “Lord, I pray that you will complete the root removal process that I have started. If there is any that I have missed, please reveal it to me and help me remove it. “
Revelation of any unconfessed sin associated with your former addiction: “Lord, please shine the light of your truth in me, especially in any dark areas of sin that I have not confessed. Please help me recognize my sin for what it is.”
Restoration of healthy sexual desire and function: “Lord, please heal my sexuality and redirect my sex drive to normal function as you originally designed it.” And, if married: “Please restore a healthy, loving sexual desire in me for my spouse and in my spouse for me.”
Cleansing/healing of memories of sexual sin or abuse: “Lord, please wash my mind and conscience with the blood of Jesus. Please cleanse my mind from the dead works of sin that I have done.”
Breaking of soul ties developed through sex sin, pornography or abuse: “Lord, please cut any unhealthy soul ties that I have developed with pornography, fetishes, sex partners, family members and anyone else. I apply the blood of Jesus to each unhealthy soul tie I have developed. By faith I declare those soul ties broken in Jesus’ name. Father, please restore
me to wholeness - body, soul and spirit. Please restore those persons I have been tied to as well. “
Destruction of the altar of sexual idolatry in our mind: “Lord please help me destroy the altar of sexual idolatry in my mind. I renounce the use of my thoughts for worshipping and lusting about sex. I have the mind of Christ and I take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”
Deliverance from any evil spirits that continue to oppress you: “Lord Jesus, please free me from any remaining evil spirits that continue to torment me. Please reveal any remaining footholds that they may have in me, so that I may repent.” (see deliverance study for more help) We encourage you to pray for healing in those and any other areas the Lord reveals to you.
It may also help to have some trusted friends in the Lord pray with you in faith for healing. Some roots take more prayer sessions than others to heal from, so be patient and persistent. For example, I periodically pray for continued healing and cleansing of my memories of sexual sin even many years after being porn-free. It can take time to restore the mind to health and wash away the evil things we’ve allowed in to it.
Masturbation Recovery Previous page: Masturbation RootsAfter removing the roots and praying for healing, now we must take actions to “secure the beachhead” of freedom that we have established. We must take steps to fortify our faith and break the old trigger patterns.
Fortify your faithWe can count on the devil testing us to see if we are in fact free. He typically uses a two-prong attack: he starts with lies to cause doubt and then follows with temptations. If we believe the enemy’s lies, our critical piece of spiritual armor, the shield of faith, is weakened. Paul wrote that we can use the shield of faith to “extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one” (Ephesians 6:16 NIV). If our faith is weakened by doubt, then the flaming arrows will get through and we’ll be likely to fall to temptations.
To neutralize an attack on our faith, we must recall the truth that destroys the lies. This is why it is crucial that we get into the Bible at least once a day (typically in a “quiet time”) and start familiarizing ourselves with the
truth that sets us free (John 8:31-32). If you don’t know the truth, you’ll be susceptible to the enemy’s distortion of it.
To maximize our battle readiness, we can memorize key scriptures. Such effort will pay off in the long run. I’ve discovered first hand that scripture memory increases my effectiveness on the spiritual battlefield.
During my daily quiet time, I simply write out the verses that are meaningful to me on 3 x 5 note cards and review them periodically until I have them memorized. When the enemy hits me with lies trying to weaken my faith, I can respond by reciting the memory verses that apply. Jesus demonstrated this defense strategy when he faced Satan in the wilderness temptations (Luke 4). To every temptation Jesus responded by quoting the applicable scriptures that diffused the lies.
Here are some common lies the devil uses against recovering sex addicts and sample scriptures that refute them:
“You haven’t changed...you’re not really free...it’s just a matter of time before you fall” (2 Corinthians 5:17; John 1:12-13) “God doesn’t care about you and he won’t provide for your sexual needs and desires” (1 Peter 2:24; Matthew 6:33) “It’s impossible to live without masturbating” (Galatians 2:20; Matthew 4:4 “The Holy Spirit is not really living in you and he won’t help you” (Romans 8:11,13) “God won’t provide a way out of temptation for you” (1 Corinthians 10:13) Other lies
The second part of the enemy’s attack is temptation. If we have believed the lies in the first part of the attack, we’ll be more likely to bite on the temptations in the second part. However, if we have stood firm in our faith, it should be much easier to take “counter-temptation” actions. The word gives us the frame work for these actions, which include:
Flee the temptation (2 Timothy 2:22; Genesis 39:6-13) Look for the way out of the temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13) Pray for help (Matthew 26:41; Hebrews 2:18) Take control of your eyes (turn eyes away, shut off temptation source, etc.) (Isaiah 33:15) Arrest sinful thoughts, cast down sinful imaginations/speculations, and
redirect your mind heavenward (2 Corinthians 10:5; Colossians 3:1-2) Use your body as instrument of righteousness and not for sin (Romans 6:11-14)
It will take practice to master these counter-temptation actions, but as you do them, you will find it easier to resist. Identify and break trigger patternsSex addicts often have particular triggers and/or rituals that cause them to “act out” (i.e. masturbate). These will obviously vary from person to person, and usually they will relate in some way to the roots of your former addiction which we examined on the previous page of this study. For example, some of typical triggers for masturbation can be:
Stress/Fear/Rejection/Loneliness Taking long showers Watching late night TV with sexual themes People-watching Surfing the internet when alone Thumbing through magazines with sexual themes Looking at porn (obviously) Sensual contact with girlfriend/boyfriend Fetishes Dwelling on sexual memories
Take a moment to ask God to reveal to you what your particular triggers have been for masturbation and write down what he reveals to you:_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________When we respond to a trigger and move toward acting out, we’ll find it’s easy to go back down the old familiar road of temptation and follow through with masturbation. What we need to do is determine a Godly plan of action on how we will now respond to a trigger when we encounter it. For example, here are some possible actions to take regarding the above triggers:
Stress/Fear/Rejection/Loneliness: Run to Jesus through prayer on the spot instead of running to masturbation to medicate yourself; remind yourself of key verses that address the trigger (ex. fear (Romans 8:15; 1 Peter 5:7); loneliness (John 14:18; Matthew 28:20); Rejection (Romans 8:
15-16); Stress (1 Peter 5:7))
Taking long showers: Take “navy showers,” i.e. get the scrubbing done and get out; if you have to, make the water mix colder than normal; play a praise and worship CD in the background to get your thoughts focused heavenward
Watching late night TV with sexual themes: Set an early time you will turn the TV off by each night and stick to it. Use the time you would have spent watching TV to do something meaningful (spend time with family, pray, worship, read the Bible, etc.).
People-watching: Take control of your eyes and force them to stop looking at the people you know are causing you to lust. For example, if teenage blondes cause you to lust, then choose to look the other way when you notice one coming your way. Don’t let your gaze dwell on the temptation! (see control eyes for more)
Surfing the internet when alone: Don’t get on the computer unless someone is there nearby. If you know you’ll be home alone, don’t even turn the computer on. Plan something to do in place of surfing the net.
Thumbing through magazines with sexual themes: Avoid the magazine stand or wherever you are looking at the magazines. If the magazines are not your own, consider asking the owner for help in restricting your exposure to them. For example, if your roommate’s porn collection is causing you to fall, you could ask him/her to lock it up or password protect it.
Looking at porn: Stopping your porn viewing is an obvious move, but it is seldom easy. Do whatever drastic measures you can to stop the input of porn images. This will always help you stop masturbating.
Sensual contact with girlfriend/boyfriend: Ask your friend to help you by joining you in committing your relationship and activities to God. Agree in prayer together to not cross the boundaries that will cause sexual arousal. (ex. long kissing, sleeping together, heavy petting, mutual masturbation, etc. ) Taking such action will force you to prove that your love for God is more important than sexual gratification and affection.
Fetishes: Confess your idolatry and pray that God will cut you free from the unhealthy attachment you have to the fetishes. Also, ask the Lord to break any demonic power involved with the fetish and the hold it may have on you. Force your mind and eyes off any fetish-related thing that causes you to fantasize.
Dwelling on sexual memories: Whenever you catch yourself reminiscing about your sexual memories, start pleading the “blood of Jesus” over the memory. Follow this by forcing your thoughts onto a wholesome topic (see thoughts).
Now, for your particular triggers from the previous section, brainstorm on actions you can take to break the pattern for each one and write them down below:
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
Take a moment to declare to yourself and the Lord in faith that you have the power to choose differently and break the patterns that have plagued you in the past. You can pray:“Heavenly Father, I am a new creation in Christ and the life that I live now I live by faith in God, who loved me and gave himself up for me. The Holy Spirit lives in me and is strengthening me now to live as the truly changed person that I am in Christ. I have the power through Christ who strengthens me to break my old trigger patterns of masturbation.
I commit myself to breaking the trigger patterns. Father, please strengthen my conviction to arrest any trigger that I may encounter. Please sharpen my conscience and my passion for purity. Thank you, Father! In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”
Finally, back up the commitment you just made by sharing it with a trusted friend, accountability partner or pastor who will agree with you in prayer and encourage you in keeping your commitment over the coming months.
Regardless of whether you are a Christian or not, I encourage you to thoughtfully consider the below points about masturbation and how it affects us.
For those people taking our Freedom from Masturbation study, the below points should help bolster your desire and commitment to seek freedom from the habit.
Non-spiritual points about masturbation:Masturbation is addictive! I encourage anyone who doubts masturbation is addictive to see how many weeks or months they can go without masturbating.
As with drug addiction, masturbation requires an increasing amount of stimulus to achieve the same level of pleasure. This often leads people into searching for more and more sources of things to lust after to feed their craving for masturbation (ex. porn). Left unchecked, this progression can result in debt, sexual crimes, perversions and other harmful effects.
Masturbation conditions our bodies to respond to self-stimulation, which is self-centered. This damages our ability to relate to another person sexually. Sex is a relational experience, where we give attention to another person’s needs at least as much as to our own. If we’ve been serving our own desires habitually, we may find it difficult to give our partner the attention he or she deserves.
Masturbation conditions our bodies to respond to fantasy more than reality: Sexual arousal causes powerful hormones to be released that cause emotional bonding between the person and the stimuli. The hormones reinforce the thought patterns and memory associated with the stimuli. The result is that we become sexually oriented toward whatever we’ve been looking at/experiencing when we’ve been masturbating.
For example, a married man who has been masturbating to pictures of blond women may find it hard to get excited about his brunette wife. This could ultimately lead him to seek a sexual experience mirroring his fantasies outside his marriage.
The truth is that reality and fantasy rarely match up. For example, porn usually features people with perfect bodies who tirelessly pursue sexual adventure. Real people don’t typically function like that, and often the acts depicted in porn aren’t as enjoyable as they may look. People who continue to load their minds with these fantasies will inevitably start to believe they are true.
For example, a man who has been masturbating to pictures of sadomasochism may start to believe that women enjoy being beaten up during sex. When his wife refuses to help him act out his sado-fantasy, he could become belligerent. He may even try to force her to do it anyway, believing the lie that once she experiences it she will like it.
Masturbation causes sexual imbalance: Masturbation stirs up our sexual emotions and trains our bodies to seek a sexual release more frequently than normal. Sex is an important part of many people’s lives; however, common sense tells us that there should be a balance between sex and the other activities in our lives. Masturbation disrupts that balance by training our bodies to expect gratification more frequently than normal. The reality is that most of us don’t have time and/or opportunity to be having sex 3 or 4 times a day. The imbalance between reality and fantasy can likely drive an addict further into a masturbation habit.
The imbalance caused by masturbation addiction will affect other areas of our lives by diverting energy, time and resources into sexual fantasy. For example, here’s a typical scenario we read about often in email: A man stays up late each night to surf for porn to masturbate to. His job performance suffers because he can’t stay awake, his family life sours because he’s grouchy, his wife is alienated from him by his lack of affection and interest in her, and his debt increases because of the credit card charges from the porn sites he’s visiting to feed his habit.
The people most likely to suffer from the imbalance are people who don’t have a regular provision for sexual intimacy (ex. teens, singles, divorcées, and widowers). Ironically, these are the same people that may be strongly tempted to indulge in porn and masturbation. If they wet their appetite by
indulging, chances are that they could easily get hooked in the addictive cycle that the imbalance creates.
Spiritual points about masturbation:Masturbation causes you to be “mastered” by sin: The Bible says that there are only two things that we can be a slave to: sin or righteousness. There are no other masters. Paul wrote, “Do you not know that if you yield yourselves to any one as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness?” (Romans 6:16 NKJV).
Which master does masturbation bring us under?
In almost every case, it is used to complement lust and the Bible identifies lust as sin in several places. For example, Jesus said in Matthew 5:28, “But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” When you consider that masturbation usually includes thinking about what it would be like to have sex with someone (i.e. lusting) while simulating the physical feeling, its easy to see that it brings us under the master of sin.
God does not want people to be mastered by sin.
For example, he told Cain, “If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it” (Genesis 4:7 NKJV). Cain let sin rule him by murdering his brother Abel. His life was drastically affected. He lost his job, his peace, his home, and his blessing and spent the rest of his days as a “restless wanderer” (Genesis 4:12). Likewise, we have the same opportunity to choose our master. If we choose sin as our master, our life will bear the fruit that sin brings - i.e. destruction, sorrow, dissatisfaction, death, etc.. If we choose righteousness as our master, we will reap life!
Paul wrote: 20When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:20-23 NIV
Masturbation uses your body as an instrument for sin: Your body is to be presented and used as an instrument for righteousness (not sin). Paul wrote, “Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts. And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God” (Romans 6:12-13 NKJV).
God can best use us when we keep our “vessels” (body, soul & spirit) free of sin. Paul wrote: “In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble. If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work. Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:20-22 NIV).
Our responsibility is to cleanse ourselves from sinful motives and purposes. Masturbation is the exact opposite of fleeing evil desires because it involves setting our minds on the evil desires and simulating the sexual act with our bodies. In so doing, we are hindering the usefulness of our vessels for God.
Masturbation defiles God’s temple and grieves the Holy Spirit: As believers in Jesus Christ, we are one with God’s Spirit, who lives in our bodies. Our bodies are literally temples of God since the Holy Spirit lives in us. Sexual sin is uniquely harmful in that it damages this special union we have with God. Paul alluded to this by writing that sexual sin is sinning against our own bodies (1 Corinthians 6:18). He even compared it to trying to unite Jesus with a prostitute (1 Corinthians 6:15-16). Since masturbation is a form of sexual sin (via lust and sexual idolatry), it will likewise damage our relationship with God and defile his temple (our bodies).
God’s command to the Christian is to “honor God with your body,” (1 Corinthians 6:20 NIV) which is a form of spiritual worship that we do physically. Romans 12:1-2 NIV states, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is--his
good, pleasing and perfect will.”
Masturbation reinforces “carnal mindedness”: Paul wrote, “Live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want” (Galatians 5:16-17 NIV). Masturbation sets our minds on gratifying our sinful desires and in so doing we become “carnally minded.” Carnal mindedness destroys our life and peace and keeps us from pleasing God. Paul wrote, “For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God” (Romans 8:5-8 NKJV).
Masturbation brings you into deception and corruption: Masturbation opens the door to the deceiving influences of lust. Paul wrote about this deceit in Ephesians 4:22-24 NKJV: “put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.”
Continuing to embrace lust through masturbation will therefore hinder any progress we want to make in becoming the “new man” God created us to be. Our repeated practice of lust through masturbation will also bring about a “hardening” of our spiritual heart toward God (Hebrews 3:13). This could ultimately cause us to turn away from God completely.
Concluding CommentsOverall, masturbation can rob you of many of the blessings God has planned for your life. If you are a Christian, you have an obligation, not to live focused on fulfilling your fleshly lusts, but rather, to live focused on fulfilling the desires of the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:12-13). Masturbation poses the threat of lifelong bondage and a handicapped spiritual walk. Jesus was resurrected so that you also could live in a new life, free from the slavery of sin.
Roots of Masturbation Previous page: Masturbation: Right or Wrong?Note: As you go through this page, feel free to print it, write on it and use it as a study guide. Masturbation is usually an outer manifestation of an inner problem. We can use an agricultural analogy to illustrate. Consider the masturbation habit as
a weed and its underlying causes as the weed’s roots. Weeds tend to have robust roots. If you want to remove the weed, you must remove the root as well, or the weed will grow back. Likewise, if we want to permanently stop the masturbation habit, we’ll need to find and remove its roots.
Step 1: Ask God to help you answer the question, “Why am I masturbating?” A simple prayer for this could be:
“Heavenly Father, I invite you to help me discover the reasons for why I have been masturbating. Please reveal the truth to me through the Holy Spirit as I am able to deal with it. In the name of Jesus Christ, I command any voice that is not of God to be silent now. I speak the peace of Christ to my mind, spirit and body. Thank you, Father, In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”
Following this prayer, it would be helpful to spend time listening for the Holy Spirit, writing down any thoughts that come up, and thanking God for whatever he reveals.
Some common reasons for masturbation we’ve seen include:
Medicate pain of rejection, abuse, poor self-esteem, etc. Medicate frustration or stress Love of pleasure Self-pity Independence / self-sufficiency Complement a porn habit “Safe” sex / trying to maintain physical virginity “Healthy release” of sexual tension Impatience: Unwilling to wait on God for sexual provision
My former masturbation habit was based on many of the above reasons, and it’s quite possible that it’s a combination of reasons for you as well.
Reasons for my habit: ____________________________________(list as appropriate for you)
Step 2: Identify the associated rootsOnce we know the surface reasons for our habit, we can then seek to uncover the root causes of those reasons. Again, we should invite God to guide us in
discovering the roots.
A sample prayer for this could be:
“Lord, please help me understand the root causes behind the reasons for my habit. Please help me to see the truth. Thank you, Father! Amen.”
Roots usually begin with an experience that disrupts our healthy physical, emotional or spiritual development. If we respond to that experience in unhealthy (i.e. sinful) ways, it will cause the root to grow. There are so many possible scenarios of how these roots can get started, that it’s impossible to cover them all here.
By sharing some of the roots we’ve seen, we hope to help you uncover the roots under your habit.
Generally, the roots involve sin that we committed or that someone committed against us. Here are some examples of roots linked to masturbation:
Trauma /violence/abuse/molestation
Rejection (ex. unloved by parents, being made fun of by peers, abuse, getting dumped by girlfriend or boyfriend, etc.
) Generational influences
Unforgiveness (including bitterness, resentment, grudges, etc.)
Occult activity
Sexual sin
Pride (“I can do it myself,” or “I don’t need anyone,” or “I don’t need God,” etc...)
Lust / sexual idolatry
Soul ties
Homosexual activity and other perversions (bestiality, group sex, fetishes, etc.)
Take some time to think through your life starting from as far back as you can remember and look for indications of starting points for roots such as those listed above. Let God’s Spirit lead you as you do this. I’ve listed some typical life periods below where roots are often started. Be sure to write down anyroots that the Lord shows you as you do this.
Early childhood (0-3):__________________________________
Pre-school (3-6): _____________________________________
Grade School (7-12): __________________________________
Teens (13-19): _______________________________________
Career/College/Marriage/etc. (20-40):_________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Other: ______________________________________________
Here is an example of how these roots can get started and grow in our lives:
A father continually berates his 7 yr old son for his poor aptitude for sports. The father is unable to see any value in his son’s love for music, art and drama. Those activities “are for sissies,” according to the father. The son is emotionally wounded by his father’s rejection and this becomes the starting point of a “root of rejection.”
The father continues to express his disapproval with his son’s preferences. The boy begins to believe that he can do no right in his father’s eyes and that he’ll never amount to anything. As the boy grows into adolescence, he responds to the pain of rejection by being reclusive and rebellious. When a
friend introduces him to pornography and masturbation, the boy discovers a pleasure he never knew before. The intimate images of porn offer him the acceptance and love he’s always longed for. It doesn’t matter to him that the porn is based on fantasy - he’ll take any love and acceptance he can get. Finding solace in masturbation, he soon finds himself addicted to it.
Step 3: Remove the roots
The importance of removing the roots cannot be underestimated. Not only do root fragments grow new weeds, but they also release “spiritual poison” that damages us. Moses mentioned this fact in Deuteronomy 29:18 NIV:
“Make sure there is no man or woman, clan or tribe among you today whose heart turns away from the LORD our God to go and worship the gods of those nations; make sure there is no root among you that produces such bitter poison.”
In the Israelites’ case, idolatry was the root that produced the poison of spiritual confusion. Masturbation’s roots produce poisons such as sexually-charged memories, selfishness, lust, perversion, numbed conscience and damaged relational skills. The longer we allow the root to remain in us, the deeper the damage that we’ll have to recover from.
Since there are so many possible roots, we will give you some general suggestions to help you discover your roots. From there you will have to seek God’s guidance on the specifics for your situation.
It is possible that you may encounter resistance as you go into the areas of the roots. The resistance may indicate the presence of evil spirits/demons associated with the root. Manifestations of this resistance can widely vary. Some examples could include: hot flashes, difficulty speaking, difficulty breathing, uncontrollable thoughts, uncontrollable bodily movement, rage, physical pain and the mind “blanking out.”
We share this not to cause fear, but simply to prepare you in advance for what you may experience. If the devil has you in bondage, he will be reluctant to let you go. No matter what happens, know that the Lord Jesus is with you and lives in you and is greater than any power of the devil. If any such manifestations occur, you can take authority over them in the name of Jesus Christ and command them to stop. An example statement you can make is, “In the name of Jesus Christ, I command the evil spirit causing this
manifestation to stop. I am saved by the blood of Jesus and I have authority over you. Release me right now.” At that point you should be able to proceed. If not, you may want to obtain help from a trusted group of believers who will help you pray and work through the root area. It may be that you will need “deliverance ministry” to completely deal with that area.
We encourage you to be patient as you go through the different areas of your roots. This can often take time to deal with. Don’t allow the devil to convince you to give up. Keep at it persistently as the Lord directs you. Don’t settle for the lie “I’ll never be free.”
A. Start with Prayer: Prayer plugs us into God’s power supply. He has the power to work the impossible. Jesus said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26 NIV). As you pray, believe in your heart that God’s power is going to make the difference. Believe that he is hearing your prayer and will respond. Your faith completes the “circuit” of God’s power in your life.
Sample Prayer: “Father God, I thank you for loving me and dying for me. Thank you for being with me right now. Please help me remove the roots of my addiction completely. Please guide me and protect me from the evil one. I believe in the freedom that is mine through Jesus Christ. Please help me in any unbelief I may have. Thank you, Father.”
B. Confession, Repentance and Release: In this step we take responsibility for our sin involved with the masturbation and its roots. We repent from the sin by turning away from it and no longer embracing it. Finally, we must release any unhealthy attitudes we have clung to.
Confess and repent from the sin involved with your masturbation habit: These typically are lust, sexual idolatry, love of pleasure, and pride in self-provision. Example prayer: “Heavenly Father, I confess that I have idolized sex in my mind and dwelled on lustful thoughts. I confess that I have imagined myself committing sexual sin while masturbating. I confess that I have turned to my own provision for sex and have not waited for your best for my sexuality. I repent from all of these activities and renounce my tolerance of these sins in my life. Thank you for forgiving me through the blood of Jesus! I receive that forgiveness in Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Confess and repent from the sin you committed in each root area: Taking the roots you wrote down in the above section, now confess the specific sins involved that you committed. If you are not sure about the sins involved, ask the Holy Spirit to help you identify the sins involved. Here are some examples of the possible sins involved with certain roots:
Root Examples of possible sins involved
Trauma fear, rage, violent behavior, unforgiveness
Rejection unforgiveness, rebellion, perversion
Occult activity pride, lust for power, trying to control others (witchcraft)
Sexual sin lust, sexual idolatry, love of pleasure, pride
Soul ties Cherishing sin memories
Homosexuality Rebellion, unforgiveness, lust, hatred of man/woman
Example prayer for confession and repentance:
“Heavenly Father, I confess that I have sinned in the following ways: ______
____________________________________________________________________.
Please forgive me for these sins. I turn from them now and shut the door on them. I seal the door with the blood of Jesus Christ. I renounce my activities associated with these sins. I recommit myself to you, Lord, body, soul and spirit.”
Release anything we are holding on to related to the former roots that are a stumbling block for sin. Examples include unforgiveness, cherished sin memories, anger, hatred, malice and the desire for revenge. These attitudes will continue to poison our mind and emotions until we release them to God.
Unforgiveness and cherished sin memories are common with sex addicts. To release unforgiveness, we must forgive the people involved (with Jesus’ help). For the cherished sin memories, we must surrender the memories to God and restrain our thoughts from fantasizing over the memories.
Example prayer of release: “Father, I release these sinful attitudes and/or cherished memories to you right now.
Specifically, I release ______________ (list your specific items). Please take them from me and cleanse me with the blood of Jesus from any residue or poison they have left in me. I forgive the people who have done evil to me:_______________ (list them).
Please fill me afresh with your Holy Spirit now and replace any former areas of sinful attitudes with love, joy, peace, kindness, patience, self-control, goodness, faithfulness and gentleness. Thank you, Father.”
C. Pray for healing: This final activity is where we invite God to complete the emotional, physical and spiritual healing in us that our confession and repentance has cleared the way for. 1 John 1:9 NKJV says, “If we confess our sins He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Also, James 5:15 NIV says, “And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.”
God will purify us, heal us, raise us up and forgive us when we’ve confessed our sin and prayed in faith for healing of our addiction. Praying for healing is not rocket science. Remember that it is the Lord who will do the healing and all you need to do is to ask and believe that he will do so. You don’t have to pray an elaborate prayer to receive results. You simply need to be sincere and prepared to back up your healing by obedience in the respective area.
Some activities that will help you get into the right mindset for praying for healing include:
Spend time in praise and worship prior to praying
Review and recite scriptures on healing during your prayer times and throughout the day to boost your faith level
Allow God time to respond during your prayer, i.e. don’t talk the whole time! Prayer is a conversation with God, so take time to listen and reflect on God’s word.
Allow plenty of time for your prayer, so that you are not rushed
Pray intermittently in tongues as the Lord leads you
Remember to thank the Lord for the healing he has and will do in you
More on prayer: Prayer Basics
Here are some example prayer excerpts addressing typical root issues:
Removal of any remaining roots: “Lord, I pray that you will complete the root removal process that I have started. If there is any that I have missed, please reveal it to me and help me remove it. “
Revelation of any unconfessed sin associated with your former addiction: “Lord, please shine the light of your truth in me, especially in any dark areas of sin that I have not confessed. Please help me recognize my sin for what it is.”
Restoration of healthy sexual desire and function: “Lord, please heal my sexuality and redirect my sex drive to normal function as you originally designed it.” And, if married: “Please restore a healthy, loving sexual desire in me for my spouse and in my spouse for me.”
Cleansing/healing of memories of sexual sin or abuse: “Lord, please wash my mind and conscience with the blood of Jesus. Please cleanse my mind from the dead works of sin that I have done.”
Breaking of soul ties developed through sex sin, pornography or abuse: “Lord, please cut any unhealthy soul ties that I have developed with pornography, fetishes, sex partners, family members and anyone else. I apply the blood of Jesus to each unhealthy soul tie I have developed. By faith I declare those soul ties broken in Jesus’ name. Father, please restore
me to wholeness - body, soul and spirit. Please restore those persons I have been tied to as well. “
Destruction of the altar of sexual idolatry in our mind: “Lord please help me destroy the altar of sexual idolatry in my mind. I renounce the use of my thoughts for worshipping and lusting about sex. I have the mind of Christ and I take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”
Deliverance from any evil spirits that continue to oppress you: “Lord Jesus, please free me from any remaining evil spirits that continue to torment me. Please reveal any remaining footholds that they may have in me, so that I may repent.” (see deliverance study for more help) We encourage you to pray for healing in those and any other areas the Lord reveals to you.
It may also help to have some trusted friends in the Lord pray with you in faith for healing. Some roots take more prayer sessions than others to heal from, so be patient and persistent. For example, I periodically pray for continued healing and cleansing of my memories of sexual sin even many years after being porn-free. It can take time to restore the mind to health and wash away the evil things we’ve allowed in to it.
Masturbation Recovery Previous page: Masturbation RootsAfter removing the roots and praying for healing, now we must take actions to “secure the beachhead” of freedom that we have established. We must take steps to fortify our faith and break the old trigger patterns.
Fortify your faithWe can count on the devil testing us to see if we are in fact free. He typically uses a two-prong attack: he starts with lies to cause doubt and then follows with temptations. If we believe the enemy’s lies, our critical piece of spiritual armor, the shield of faith, is weakened. Paul wrote that we can use the shield of faith to “extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one” (Ephesians 6:16 NIV). If our faith is weakened by doubt, then the flaming arrows will get through and we’ll be likely to fall to temptations.
To neutralize an attack on our faith, we must recall the truth that destroys the lies. This is why it is crucial that we get into the Bible at least once a day (typically in a “quiet time”) and start familiarizing ourselves with the
truth that sets us free (John 8:31-32). If you don’t know the truth, you’ll be susceptible to the enemy’s distortion of it.
To maximize our battle readiness, we can memorize key scriptures. Such effort will pay off in the long run. I’ve discovered first hand that scripture memory increases my effectiveness on the spiritual battlefield.
During my daily quiet time, I simply write out the verses that are meaningful to me on 3 x 5 note cards and review them periodically until I have them memorized. When the enemy hits me with lies trying to weaken my faith, I can respond by reciting the memory verses that apply. Jesus demonstrated this defense strategy when he faced Satan in the wilderness temptations (Luke 4). To every temptation Jesus responded by quoting the applicable scriptures that diffused the lies.
Here are some common lies the devil uses against recovering sex addicts and sample scriptures that refute them:
“You haven’t changed...you’re not really free...it’s just a matter of time before you fall” (2 Corinthians 5:17; John 1:12-13) “God doesn’t care about you and he won’t provide for your sexual needs and desires” (1 Peter 2:24; Matthew 6:33) “It’s impossible to live without masturbating” (Galatians 2:20; Matthew 4:4 “The Holy Spirit is not really living in you and he won’t help you” (Romans 8:11,13) “God won’t provide a way out of temptation for you” (1 Corinthians 10:13) Other lies
The second part of the enemy’s attack is temptation. If we have believed the lies in the first part of the attack, we’ll be more likely to bite on the temptations in the second part. However, if we have stood firm in our faith, it should be much easier to take “counter-temptation” actions. The word gives us the frame work for these actions, which include:
Flee the temptation (2 Timothy 2:22; Genesis 39:6-13) Look for the way out of the temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13) Pray for help (Matthew 26:41; Hebrews 2:18) Take control of your eyes (turn eyes away, shut off temptation source, etc.) (Isaiah 33:15) Arrest sinful thoughts, cast down sinful imaginations/speculations, and
redirect your mind heavenward (2 Corinthians 10:5; Colossians 3:1-2) Use your body as instrument of righteousness and not for sin (Romans 6:11-14)
It will take practice to master these counter-temptation actions, but as you do them, you will find it easier to resist. Identify and break trigger patternsSex addicts often have particular triggers and/or rituals that cause them to “act out” (i.e. masturbate). These will obviously vary from person to person, and usually they will relate in some way to the roots of your former addiction which we examined on the previous page of this study. For example, some of typical triggers for masturbation can be:
Stress/Fear/Rejection/Loneliness Taking long showers Watching late night TV with sexual themes People-watching Surfing the internet when alone Thumbing through magazines with sexual themes Looking at porn (obviously) Sensual contact with girlfriend/boyfriend Fetishes Dwelling on sexual memories
Take a moment to ask God to reveal to you what your particular triggers have been for masturbation and write down what he reveals to you:_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________When we respond to a trigger and move toward acting out, we’ll find it’s easy to go back down the old familiar road of temptation and follow through with masturbation. What we need to do is determine a Godly plan of action on how we will now respond to a trigger when we encounter it. For example, here are some possible actions to take regarding the above triggers:
Stress/Fear/Rejection/Loneliness: Run to Jesus through prayer on the spot instead of running to masturbation to medicate yourself; remind yourself of key verses that address the trigger (ex. fear (Romans 8:15; 1 Peter 5:7); loneliness (John 14:18; Matthew 28:20); Rejection (Romans 8:
15-16); Stress (1 Peter 5:7))
Taking long showers: Take “navy showers,” i.e. get the scrubbing done and get out; if you have to, make the water mix colder than normal; play a praise and worship CD in the background to get your thoughts focused heavenward
Watching late night TV with sexual themes: Set an early time you will turn the TV off by each night and stick to it. Use the time you would have spent watching TV to do something meaningful (spend time with family, pray, worship, read the Bible, etc.).
People-watching: Take control of your eyes and force them to stop looking at the people you know are causing you to lust. For example, if teenage blondes cause you to lust, then choose to look the other way when you notice one coming your way. Don’t let your gaze dwell on the temptation! (see control eyes for more)
Surfing the internet when alone: Don’t get on the computer unless someone is there nearby. If you know you’ll be home alone, don’t even turn the computer on. Plan something to do in place of surfing the net.
Thumbing through magazines with sexual themes: Avoid the magazine stand or wherever you are looking at the magazines. If the magazines are not your own, consider asking the owner for help in restricting your exposure to them. For example, if your roommate’s porn collection is causing you to fall, you could ask him/her to lock it up or password protect it.
Looking at porn: Stopping your porn viewing is an obvious move, but it is seldom easy. Do whatever drastic measures you can to stop the input of porn images. This will always help you stop masturbating.
Sensual contact with girlfriend/boyfriend: Ask your friend to help you by joining you in committing your relationship and activities to God. Agree in prayer together to not cross the boundaries that will cause sexual arousal. (ex. long kissing, sleeping together, heavy petting, mutual masturbation, etc. ) Taking such action will force you to prove that your love for God is more important than sexual gratification and affection.
Fetishes: Confess your idolatry and pray that God will cut you free from the unhealthy attachment you have to the fetishes. Also, ask the Lord to break any demonic power involved with the fetish and the hold it may have on you. Force your mind and eyes off any fetish-related thing that causes you to fantasize.
Dwelling on sexual memories: Whenever you catch yourself reminiscing about your sexual memories, start pleading the “blood of Jesus” over the memory. Follow this by forcing your thoughts onto a wholesome topic (see thoughts).
Now, for your particular triggers from the previous section, brainstorm on actions you can take to break the pattern for each one and write them down below:
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
Take a moment to declare to yourself and the Lord in faith that you have the power to choose differently and break the patterns that have plagued you in the past. You can pray:“Heavenly Father, I am a new creation in Christ and the life that I live now I live by faith in God, who loved me and gave himself up for me. The Holy Spirit lives in me and is strengthening me now to live as the truly changed person that I am in Christ. I have the power through Christ who strengthens me to break my old trigger patterns of masturbation.
I commit myself to breaking the trigger patterns. Father, please strengthen my conviction to arrest any trigger that I may encounter. Please sharpen my conscience and my passion for purity. Thank you, Father! In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”
Finally, back up the commitment you just made by sharing it with a trusted friend, accountability partner or pastor who will agree with you in prayer and encourage you in keeping your commitment over the coming months.
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