It seems like no matter what area of life we are in there are always some
people who are difficult to get along with. They are either exceptionally
prickly, or don’t seem to care less, couldn’t be bothered, or are remarkably
self-centred and inconsiderate. We wonder “What’s with these people?”,
“What planet are they living on?”,
“Do they go out of their way to be especially unpleasant and uncooperative?”,
“How can someone be so insensitive - are they blind? What needs to
happen for them to get the message? What’s wrong with them?” They have
the potential to take up an enormous amount of our time and energy and
we can find ourselves continually in conversations with others about their
shortcomings. In doing so we use a lot of the planet’s oxygen, and it doesn’t
change a thing!
Life is not happy for us when we are in their company. We find ourselves out
of options, resigned that things will not improve, and experiencing continual
frustration, which is not good for our own well-being. So what can be done?
We want to suggest a different approach, one that concentrates on how we
are observing. This is based on the following premise: We do not know how
things are, we only know how we observe them.
Each of us has our own perspective on the situations in our life, and that’s all
we have - our perspective, our mindsets.
Our perspective is our interpretations.
We react, respond and operate from our perspective, but we are very rarely
aware of the perspective we have of someone and how that drives our
behaviour.
One of the most powerful forms of learning we can engage in is to take a
look at:
How we are observing things in the first place
How come we se things the way we do
By being willing to inspect our perspective we are then in a position to
address the following question: “What is it that makes someone dif ficult for
us?”
But let’s take a look first at what our perspective is made up of. Essentially it
consists of assumptions, which is how we think things are, how they should be,
and how they could be. The basis of these assumptions is the standards we
live by and how we expect others to be consistent with these. Our standards
and assumptions are the basis of our opinions, and we knit our opinions
very coherently into a story. But we rarely, if ever, observe this fundamental
process of how our perspective is formed, and if we were to slightly adjust
some of our assumptions, we would have a different perspective and
different ways of behaving.
What makes someone difficult for us is that they don’t live up to our standards
and expectations, and we are not able to influence them to do so. That pushes
our buttons, because our standards define our dignity and integrity and where
and how we make a stand in life. And when our standards are “violated” we
have an emotional response, which can become a long-term and entrenched
response (a mood) that we live from all the time in our dealings with difficult
people.
Moods colour how we see life, and we find ourselves in negative moods, which
are powerful enough to trap us into always having the same perspective. Our
moods live in our body, so we also have a physical reaction, reflected in our
breathing, muscle tension and posture.
The traditional way of looking at why someone is difficult is to point the finger
at them, and speak of the unacceptable characteristics of their behaviour.
By being willing to take a look at our own perspective we can take another
approach, one that begins with pointing the finger at ourself and acknowledging
how we are observing things. It is critical to continually remind ourselves that
what we observe is an interpretation, and whilst we may think we have the
“right” interpretation, ours is but one of thousands!
We see and hear people do things, but our standards and assumptions have
us form an interpretation. It is all too easy to fall into the trap of regarding
our interpretations as “fact”. Part of the reason we are deluded into this line
of thinking is because others can have similar interpretations. But this only
means we have consensus, which can blind us to developing innovative
ways of dealing with tricky issues.
What can be done, how can we be influential in improving things, even with
seemingly the most intractable of people? There are a number of things we
want to suggest about observing our observing.
1. A “standards and assumptions check”. Be very clear about the story you
are running about this other person. What are the core standards, or criteria
for acceptable conduct, that are being “violated”. How important are those
standards to you - do you want to stick to them and be uncompromising
about them (which is OK if you do because they are the foundation of your
dignity)? Perhaps the standard is non-negotiable, but perhaps how this
person goes about meeting that standard could be different. Perhaps we may
be trapped in an assumption about how people should go about meeting our
standard, as if there is a “right” way for me to match your criteria. The criteria
by which we live play a paradoxical role in our lives - they are indispensable
and define who and how we want to be, but they also can trap us into rigid
and inflexible ways of observing situations, which can result in us doing an
exquisite job torturing ourselves.
There is also another assumption worth inspecting with our standards,
and that is that we may assume that this other person is as clear about our
standards as we are. Or that this standard is as important to them as it is
to us. In other words, that they would have learned this and it would be an
integral part of how they view the world.
2. A mood check.
What is the fundamental mood you live in with this person: when you think
of them, when someone mentions their name and you are in their presence?
What would you say is the colour of this mood? What does this mood do to
the quality of your thinking and relating, to your demeanour and quality of
life? How much of this mood do you carry with you into other situations in
your life?
Our habitual thinking about moods is that we are stuck with them and can’t
do anything about them. Where did we learn that? Who is running our
emotional life? There is such a thing as emotional goal setting - what mood
do you want to be in with this person so that you can be more resourceful in
your behaviour?
3. A resourceful body.
The subtle ways we configure our muscles, which influences our posture,
as well as our breathing, has a huge, but underrated impact on how we
observe. A negative story and a negative mood becomes “embodied”, which
contaminates our effectiveness in relating with others. How do you need to
stand, with what degree of uprightness, without being rigid, how deeply do
you want to breathe? How can that be monitored in a conversation? Any
sign of the negative story and mood becoming prominent is a sign to shift
position, posture and breathing, even by consciously taking a few deeper
breaths.
4. Our self-image in delivering a message.
It is easy to assume that we are being clear about what we want, but from
their perspective are we? Have our requests been clearly and unambiguously
stated so that there is a shared understanding of what is required? Do we
speak from our own concerns, about what is missing for us and why it is
important, in the spirit of pointing the finger at ourselves, rather than being in
a “blame frame” and pointing the finger at them? Is our self-image such that
we can convey what we want, feeling valid and worthwhile, and in a “solid
and definite” body, without being overbearing?
5.Our perspective of their perspective.
How do you think they are seeing things, especially yourself? What do they
need to see and hear from us such that they will get the message? Should
we deliver it directly, and if so, what words, voice tone, facial expressions
need to accompany our speaking? Or, would that be too off-putting and
are they more likely to “take on board” what we want indirectly, perhaps
through a third party, or the use of prolonged pauses, or strategically placed
but pertinent comments? What is going on in their world? Do they seem
happy, do they have a positive opinion of themself, what sort of mood and
body do they live in? How can we incorporate these considerations into our
approach?
One closing point. It is easy to underestimate the complexity of the dynamics
of human interaction. We are not machines, but biological entities, sometimes
highly unpredictable and, above all else, each of us is a mystery, both to
ourselves and others.
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