BITTERNESS

Bitterness is loss frozen in resentment. Bitterness grows out of our refusal to
let go when someone or something is taken from us.
Perhaps it grows from the literal loss of a loved one or of a job, or income,
or relationship. Sometimes it might be more subtle and grow from the loss
of a reputation, or social position in a group, or control. Whatever the cause,
bitterness grows out of unreleased loss.
Whenever we lose something or someone significant we often feel the
following thoughts and emotions over a period of time as we grieve over that
loss:
1. There is often denial. ‘This can’t be happening to me. I will wake up and it
will go away!’
2. There may be shock and numbness.
3. There is often guilt. ‘I did something wrong. I’m being punished. This is
my fault!’
4. Perhaps there is depression, especially when a death or loss of career is
involved. ‘This is so awful. Life is now meaningless. I can’t cope!’
5. There is almost certainly anger. ‘My world is changing. How dare anybody
come and change my world? Why should it happen to me?’
6. There is almost certainly bargaining. ‘If only I hadn’t said that ... made
that journey ... If only he/she hadn’t moved got promoted ... moved away
... bought that ... This loss would not have happened. If I could change the
circumstances I could lessen the loss. I could have prevented it!’
The final stage of grieving is to be able to let go.
These feelings are part of the normal grieving process. We don’t just feel
them and then it is OK. And we don’t necessarily feel all of them, or feel them
in any particular order. But they are part of the emotional and intellectual
territory of grieving that we often revisit, with varying degrees of intensity,
during a loss.
For some people this normal grieving process may take months, and even
years, depending on the significance of the loss. Most people learn to
eventually let go of what they have lost and move on, but bitterness grows
up when people refuse to let go and cling on tightly to the anger and
bargaining (and probably the depression) of the grieving process. They
won’t let go and break out of the cycle, or they feel they can’t.
In the face of death we sometimes continue to rage against heaven and
refuse to face the reality that the person is gone and that we are powerless to
do anything and that although we can’t see how, meaningful and productive
life can eventually go on. In the face of unemployment we sometimes rage
against the employers and refuse to accept that they are not going to change
their minds and that there is very little (if anything) we could have done about
it, and that although we can’t see how, meaningful and productive life can
eventually go on. In the face of a body that is noticeably marred by the effects
of sin in a fallen world, we rage against the Heavenly Father who gave us life
and bargain about how things could have been different. We refuse to face
the reality that we are powerless to do anything, and that although it may
seem awful now, meaningful and productive life can eventually go on. When
faced with the pain of difficult parents, children, partners, pastors, in-laws,
colleagues, or unwilling singleness or childlessness, we rage against the
God who loves us and bargain about how things could have been different.
We refuse to face the reality that we may be powerless to do anything, and
that although we can’t see how, meaningful and productive life can eventually
go on.
We don’t like it when confronted with an inability to control.
Bitterness and Anger
There are at least two kinds of anger - hot anger and cold anger. Often
bitterness displays itself as freezing cold anger. Hot anger is explosive and
loud. Cold anger is more subtle and shows itself through complaining and
plotting and scheming and grouching (and sometimes in depression when it
can’t find an outlet and turns in on the angry person).
Those of you who have any experience of Pastoral ministry will know that
people will shy away from admitting that they are bitter. Although Christians
may admit to speeding, bitterness has to rank alongside sexual sin as one
of those sins that touches others, but never the speaker. Sadly it may be as
universal as the former and as destructive as the latter. However much it is
denied, it is often the cold anger that shows itself in desperate bargaining
or uncharacteristically savage moaning and complaining that gives the
bitterness away.
‘I’m not bitter, but I just can’t understand why so and so did that. If they
hadn’t.... But I’m not bitter.’
‘I’m not bitter, and I’m certainly not angry, but I’m going to plot and complain
and moan on every available occasion, and because I’ve been around
Churches for years, I’ll dress up what I have to say in religious language and
make it sound really righteous - but ....... I’m not bitter!’
What are the Consequences of Bitterness?
Cosmic Consequences
You could argue that bitterness motivated Satan to attempt to destroy and
thwart God’s plans. You could argue that bitterness motivated the Pharisees
to have Jesus put to death. You only have to look at India and Pakistan, Israel
and Jordan, Bosnia and Croatia, and Northern Ireland to know that wars are
caused by bitterness, and that such bitter disputes fuel even more reservoirs
of bitterness that last through generations, and continue to hold people in
vice-like grips.
Personal Consequences
There are often physical consequences such as headaches, ulcers,
sleeplessness, heart-attacks, anxiety, fear, tension, depression. This, of
course, doesn’t mean that anyone with a headache or heart-attack is bitter,
but prolonged bitterness will have physical consequences.
The mental consequences of bitterness are continued hypercritical attitudes.
Nobody can do anything right. There is usually anger and resentment with
things don’t go our way (and they often don’t).
And because of the attitudes that accompany bitterness, there are inevitably
social consequences. In Deuteronomy 29:19 Bitterness is described as a
root that grows into a poisonous plant. Bitterness spreads and infects others.
They either catch the critical and grouching spirit from the bitter people, or
they decide to avoid their company. And, of course, the rejection caused by
the bitterness leads to the people concerned feeling even more bitter, and
so the cycle continues.
Bitter people are not popular in Cell Groups. They rarely go because they feel
rejected. And when they do go, they almost have to make sure that people
will reject them. Churches have been paralysed for years by unresolved
bitterness, and so have individual Christians who refuse to deal with the
bitterness they feel towards God.
Bitterness is loss, frozen in resentment. And bitterness is also a chain, tying
us to the thing of person we want to be free from. Until we deal with the
bitterness we cannot escape from the loss. People want vengeance, but end
up with a hypercritical spirit, ulcers, rejection, and chains. We hope that our
bitterness will in some way influence others, but all that happens is that it
destroys us.
Moving Out Of Bitterness
Peter says to Simon the Sorcerer that God is grieved by his bitterness (Acts
8). Paul is saying a similar thing to the Ephesians Christians (Read Eph.4:
25-32). He is saying in effect: ‘One of the things that makes the Spirit of God
sad is what come form your mouth, and one thing in particular is bitterness.
Get rid of it. Get rid of it all.
’
The fact that Paul tells us to get rid of it should encourage us, because it
must be possible. It would be cruel for God to command us to do something
that was impossible. God is never cruel, and only command things for our
good, and only commands things that are possible.
Repentance
One of the first steps towards getting rid of it, it to accept that it is possible,
and that we have some responsibility for making it happen.
But we are slow to accept that we can do anything about it.
‘I used to be quite happy, but he made me bitter.’
‘I had no options. If you had been through what I have been through, you
would have been made bitter as well.
’
We want to feel that we have no choice, that we are not responsible. Then we
can feel free to grow comfortable as we are and can blame God for what he
hasn’t done, or blame others for what they have done.
There is a famous book by Tim La Haye and Bob Phillips called ‘Anger is A
Choice’. The authors point out that we often want to blame others for how we
feel. We respond the people or events by saying: ‘You made me angry ...’ But,
as Christians, we are not victims. We are responsible for we do, say, think,
and feel. Nobody can make us angry. We choose to respond to situations in
an angry way.
And it is not only anger that is a choice. Its close cousin bitterness is also a
choice. We respond the people or events by saying: ‘You made me bitter ...’
But, as Christians, we are not victims. We are responsible for what we do,
say, think, and feel. Nobody can make us bitter. We choose to respond to
situations in a bitter way
.
You know that it is not people or circumstances that make people bitter. What
makes us bitter is our attitude towards people and circumstances. Its not the
people or the circumstances. But the messages we tell ourselves, and its the
feelings we nurture. You know that you can take two people and put them
through equally horrendous circumstances, and one will come out riddled
with bitterness, and another will come out radiant.
Two men from their prison cell gaze up to see the stars.
One saw constellations bright, the other, only bars.
Look at Joseph at the end of his life. He had been abused by his family,
had his reputation ruined by being falsely accused of adultery, he was
forgotten by friends, and at times it must have felt as if God had forgotten
him. But at the end of his life, when faced with those who were responsible
for the years of slavery and pain, he forgives his brothers. He said to
them: ‘You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.’ Despite all that has
happened to him, he acknowledges the sovereignty of God, and God’s
amazing creative ability to bring good out of evil. If Simon the Sorcerer is
amazing because he throbs with boils of bitterness, Joseph is amazing
because he oozes gallons and gallons of grace. He chose not to be bitter.
Bitterness is not about circumstances and people making us feel things.
It’s about the attitude we adopt. A Greek Philosopher, Epictetus once said:
‘People are disturbed, not by things, but by the view they have of things.’
As Christians, we are not victims. People may harm us, and circumstances
may militate against us, but God holds us accountable for our choices, and
enables us to choose a better way. Until we really get hold of that, we’ll never
move forward.
I often have circular conversations with a friend who believes that his career
was blighted by someone 15 years ago. 15 years later he still gets angry
about it. 15 years later, he still bargains, and talks about what might have
happened only if .... I’m not judging him or condemning him.
I care about him enough to want to help him. From time to time I pick up enough
courage to encourage him to let go of his bitterness, and to start playing a different
tape. And he says: ‘It’s easy for you. You weren’t there. You don’t understand.’
Until we accept some responsibility for our bitterness, we’ll never shift it.
Confession
We need to confess any bitterness we may have to God.
I know a Christian who witnessed and suffered violence in his family as a
child. Because of his earthly father, he finds God difficult. When we talk and
I ask him: ‘Where do you think Jesus was when this was happening to you?’
he says:’He wasn’t in the room. Because if he was, he would have stopped
it.’ It’s the cry of Martha and Mary: ‘Lord, if you had been here, this would not
have happened. this illness ... this accident ... this divorce ... this financial
collapse ...’
We all experience the consequences of living in a fallen world and God has never
promised to stop all of those consequences. But he weeps when we weep. He
suffers when we suffer. He will judge those who hurt us. One day he will remove
all the consequences of sin. He has died to set us free. We have no just cause
to be bitter against him. Perhaps we have to confess our bitterness about God.
Perhaps we have to confess our bitterness about others. We need to let go
of the right to extract revenge on others, to stop keeing a profit and loss
account. We need to stop recalling the emotional debts.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness helps us to let go. We refuse to cling on to our desire to hold
something against others.
Some people are bitter because they refuse to let go by forgiving themselves.
They often trap themselves in bitter bargaining: ‘If only I had done this...If
only I hadn’t have done that ...’ God has released us, but we still cling on to
condemning ourselves. Parents are sometimes bitter, refusing to fogive their
children for not being the people they wanted them to be, and likewise some
children won’t forgive their parents for not being the ideal role models that
they wanted.
We may need to forgive our employers or employees. If we are married,
we will almost certainly need to forgive our partners. It’s not necessarily
the big things that destroy marriages. It’s often the little things that
remain unforgiven and that grow into enormous things over the years.
In some cases, if the people are dead, we may find it helpful to write them a
letter forgiving them and seeking their forgiveness, and hand the letter over
to God before destroying it
.
Exercise Faith
We can forgive or let go of the loss only when we understand that we are
significant and secure in Jesus Christ. If we won’t let go because we want
to hold on to control, we can only let go when we accept that there are
things we cannot control, but that we are secure in Jesus. If we can’t let go
because we are holding on to things or people who made us feel good about
ourselves and enabled us to have some sort of postion or role, we can oly
let go when we accept that we have ultimate significance by being loved by
Jesus Christ.
I may want lots of things that make us feel happy and secure, but the Bible
tells me that the only thing - I need in all eternity (as opposed to want) is a
relationship with Jesus Christ.
Once I have Jesus, I can learn to let go and release the loss or debt fo forgiveness.
He is the one who holds me. It is his love for me that really matters. When
people disagree with me, I don’t have to fight to win with an unhealthy
determination. I may want people to agree with me and approve of me. But
if they don’t, it doesn’t matter. I have significance and security because God
loves me. If I’m threatened with a loss, I can acknowledge the pain, but I
don’t have to get stuck in a rut of bargaining and anger, because I know that
God loves me, and that knowledge can give me the freedom to let go of what
I am clinging on to.
We need to remove one of the causes of our bitterness by exercising faith
and continually reminding ourselves that we are secure in God’s love. We
don’t have to prove anything. We need to remind ourselves of our ultimate
security. We need to remind ourselves that vengeance belongs to God.
We can also exercise faith by believing in the creativity of God, not just in the
pretty spectacular creation, but in the recreation, turning the bitterness of the
Pharisees into the redeeming grace of the cross. There is nothing that God
cannot redeem or transform.
Some of the most gracious people around are those who have been through
bitterness, have been forgiven by God, have come out the other side, and are
allowing God to use that experience of darkness to help them to minister to others.
As you exercise faith, be encouraged, it isn’t always going to be easy.
Remember that it takes about 6 weeks to establish a new habit, so don’t
be too discouraged by lapses. It will be hard, especially if the bitterness is
deep.
Replace the tape in your head which says you need to hold onto these
things and that you cannot let them go with one which reminds you of who
your are in Christ. Take responsibility to turn round, exercise faith, and walk
out of darkness (and look for people to walk with you and help you as you
make your journey).
Hebrews 12:15 ‘Guard against turning back from the grace of God. Let no
one become like a bitter plant that grows up and causes trouble with its
poison.’