Principles of Marriage

PRINCIPLES of MARRIAGE
Most readers are married or have been married. I mention this fact for two
reasons. First, this article is about the subject of marriage. We’ll have a frank
and honest discussion about marriage from a Biblical standpoint. Secondly,
this article deals with reasons our marriages work and sometimes do not
work. You might want to forgive me now for what I am about to write. It may
address issues in your own marriage relationship. My hope is that this article
will stimulate discussion with your spouse and be an encouragement to you.
Think back for a moment and consider the training and teaching you received
in preparation for marriage. If you were like most, you will agree that there
was no formal training. That is, you didn’t go to college or a technical school
to be trained and certified as a husband or wife. There is no diploma or
certification that qualified us to be married. However, of all the choices we
make in our life time, the selection of our spouse and decisions we make on
how to be a husband or wife, are the most profound and have the most farreaching
implications.
Children (other people) will come from those decisions and the process
continues from generation to generation. In fact, we exist today because of
decisions made by our parents. This brings me to my initial point about the
subject of marriage. Our parents have had a profound impact on us with
regard to marriage. It was our parents that served as our primary teachers
in preparing us for marriage. Just like any training course, the quality of
that training has a direct impact on the success or failure of the endeavor.
But our parents are not the only resource to prepare us for marriage. The
Bible has a lot to say about marriage. In fact, the very institution of marriage
originates from the Bible. Our parents and basic Biblical instruction about
marriage are our primary sources of reference for marriage. But have you
considered the teaching we have concerning marriage given in the Bible?
Let me explain a bit more. Since our parents are our primary examples, have
you considered what our parents in the Bible teach us about marriage?
Which parents am I referring to? Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah,
and Jacob and his wives, Leah and Rachel, have a lot to teach us about
marriage!
Let’s review 10 Biblical principles about marriage and then, examine what
our Biblical fathers and mothers have taught us.

TEN BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES of MARRIAGE
1. Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman, initiated by the
exchange of vows.
2. The Husband is the head of the house and responsible for the marriage.
3. The Husband is commanded by God to love his wife.
4. The Wife is commanded by God to respect her husband.
5. The Husband and Wife are joint heirs to life.
6. Man needs a Wife.
7. A Wife is God’s grace to the Husband.
8. The Wife is the most powerful influence over her Husband.
9. Marriage is a sexually intimate and passionate relationship.
10. Marriage is the mystery of the Messiah’s relationship with us.
How we approach marriage, more importantly, how we fulfill it, is extremely
important to our own welfare and homes. It will either yield great joy and
fulfillment or heartache and disappointment. The Biblical principles we will
review are general in statement.
Depending on one’s station in life, there can be exceptions. Some people
remain single and never marry. Therefore, these Biblical principles serve as
a base definition for the subject of marriage.

BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 1.
Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman,
initiated by the exchange of vows.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall
cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. -- Genesis 2: 24
Marriage is not a partnership or a contract; it is considerably more than
that. Marriage is a covenant. Partnerships and contracts are agreements of
“consideration given for consideration received.” These kinds of agreements
are formed by requests and promises. One party requests something and
offers something in exchange.
The other party trades one item of value for another item of value. A covenant
is not made primarily to gain value nor to exchange one thing for another. It
is not maintained by both parties meeting their obligations; it is a reality of
giving ones self regardless of the return value. A covenant is of undetermined
length. It is forever or until it can no longer be done, “Until death do us part.”
This covenant causes names to change. This covenant changes the place
called “home.” A marriage covenant establishes a preference in relationship
greater than parent and child. A marriage covenant creates a new reality that
the whole of creation accepts, including the Creator.
This is why a divorce is more than breaking a contract. A divorce rips
the very fabric of the soul when the marriage covenant is broken.
A broken vow, an oath that is breached, or a pledge not fulfilled is
an internal dilemma reaching deep into the person that no soothing
balm can reach. A broken contract can be solved by paying for the
damages, but the damage of a broken covenant continues longer after.
Some men and women never quite leave their father and mother when they get
married. Consequently, they have not chosen their spouse above all others. In
truth of fact, they never made the proper marriage covenant from the beginning
and results become inevitable. Many pre-marriage counselors will recommend
that a new couple live separately and away from both sets of parents to
guarantee that the proper bond (cleaving) is established in the marriage.
Becoming “one flesh” is the consummation of the verbal vows, but it is not
a replacement for them. Becoming “one flesh” before the vows of marriage
is fornication and distorts the entire pattern and purpose of intimacy in the
marriage.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 2.
The Husband is the head of the house and responsible for the marriage.
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception;
in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy
husband, and he shall rule over thee.
-- Genesis 3: 16
This verse is probably hated by more women than any other verse in the
Bible. The spirit of rebellion will not sit idly by in the heart of a woman when
she hears the words, “he shall rule over you.” To a woman, these words
confront her unbelief and mistrust in her husband. From a counselor’s point
of view, it is evidence of not loving her husband. Love believes all things.
For men, this is probably the most misunderstood verse about marriage. True
mature leaders know that the authority to rule comes after full responsibility
has been accepted. True authority is given by those who are under the rule.
Demanding authority over another or exercising that authority to prove its
existence is a leader on the path to failure. A wife’s desire for her husband
will naturally result in her giving him authority over her, because she believes
he has taken full responsibility for her. From a counselor’s point of view, a
man who exercises control and leverages his prospective wife is not yet
comfortable being fully responsible for his house and his wife. It is evidence
that he does not yet know how to love his wife.
During the courtship phase of a marriage relationship, the man pursues his
prospective wife. It’s a little like a game. Actually, he chases her until he gets caught!
What was done in courtship should not end at the wedding. The
marriage should continue with the man initiating and the woman
completing. Should correction be needed or should something need to
be started it is the husband’s responsibility and duty to start the actions.
Does this mean that the man is to blame when something goes
wrong? Is it the husband’s fault if the marriage fails? No. Taking
responsibility is not concerned with or interested in finding fault and
placing blame. Taking responsibility is focused on improvement and
correction – doing it better. Blame and fault are subjects of immaturity.
A wife who is married to a good husband knows that she can make a mistake
and not be blamed or made to be guilty. Her desire is for her husband and
she wants him to have rule over her to bring about solutions.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 3.
The Husband is commanded by God to love his wife.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave
himself for it
Ephesians 5: 25
Love in a marriage seems as natural as breathing for the wife. But for the
husband, love in the marriage is a determined act of his will. Yes, love
is an emotion; yet, for many men in the earlier years of the relationship,
it is the “love of the chase.” This is why some men never grow up and
keep chasing other women after being married. God’s command for a
man to love his wife is more than an emotion, a feeling, or a game. It is
a determined act whereby he must direct his energies for the specific
purpose to provide for, to protect, and to be passionate toward his wife.
Some men provide well and are willing to lay down their lives to protect. This
is sacrificial love. However, they regard conjugal sex as one of the benefits
for having done the first two. Little do they know that God commands them
also to be a passionate, intimate husband. It is part of God’s plan for the
husband to “love” his wife. There is not a wife who doesn’t want her husband
to desire her for being a woman. This is where the game is carried on into
the marriage. She wants to be pursued and desired before she catches him.
The husband must learn to keep chasing his wife, even though he is caught.
Fundamentally, the number one need of a wife in a marriage is security.
The husband is commanded to meet this need. By loving his wife, he
provides her a home, the resources to live, and a safe and secure place for
her and the children. By loving her emotionally, he assures and comforts
her, shielding her from fear and harm. By loving her physically, he proves
that his attentions and focus are on her and she is secure in his desires.
The commandment to love his wife means that the husband is to commit his
best energies, resources, creativity, and attentions to focus completely on
his wife. It is more than just provision and protection. Loving a wife means
preferring her above ALL others.
When a husband commits adultery, he has proven to his wife that he does
not love her. He has broken the commandment to love his wife. You can not
separate sex from love in a marriage. The argument by an adulterous spouse
that it was just sex (lust), but “I really love you” is a totally flawed argument.
It simply is not true. Sex and love in marriage are inseparable.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 4.
The Wife is commanded by God to respect her husband.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. --
Ephesians 5: 22
Too often, Biblical teachers have equated “be subject” with “obey.” As a
consequence, opposition has grown in the American culture to the extent that
many women refuse to say “love, honor, and obey” in the traditional wedding
vows. It is really a huge mistake. The word “obey” is not the proper emphasis
for “being subject to” or “submission” as translated in the commandment.
Let me offer an entirely new perspective. Instead of the word “obey”
amplifying the phrase “be subject to” or the word “submit,” let’s use the
word “respect.” Now let’s restate the commandment. Wives, respect your
husband, just as you respect the Lord. That changes something dramatically.
Instead of the ultimatum to obey (like a lowly slave), respect opens the door
to balance and understanding. Respect is something given in measure to
being respectable. Respect is in parallel with love and honor. Obedience
does not require love or honor; however, respect does require them.
The number one complaint of distraught wives is that they don’t respect their
husbands. It is very difficult for them to do so when the husband continues
to do things not worthy of respect. Many times wives are justified in their
complaint. A husband who does not provide, protect, or show passionate
love for his wife is on thin ice for respectability. But oft times, the man does
provide and protect, he is faithful and desires his wife. However, his wife
treats him in a very disrespectful manner simply because he is a man. Wives
who do this should think back to how their mother treated their father. You
will discover that many times this is a pattern and it is learned behavior.
This is why God commands wives to respect their husbands. Wives must
make a determined decision to accomplish this. It takes energy and a clear
will to do so. Instead of holding your husband to an artificial standard of
respect (he does everything I want him to do), a wife should come to know
her husband for the true goodness that is in him.
Fundamentally, the number one need of a man in a marriage is respect.
The wife is commanded to meet this need. The commandment to respect
your husband means praising your husband, both to him and to others, and
submitting to his leadership, guidance, and judgment. Even if he makes a
mistake and is wrong. He will learn.
This is how men learn every day at their jobs. A wife who believes she needs
to teach her husband by correcting him only succeeds in embarrassing him.
When a wife disrespects her husband with critical words, treats him with
disdain, and holds him in contempt, she destroys her primary source of
provision and protection from God. She also breaks Gods commandment
to respect him. When a wife learns how to respect (be subject to, submit,
and obey) her husband, he’ll treat her like a thoroughbred, instead of a nag.
Rodney Dangerfield, a comedian, made his entire career on this one theme of
marriage. “I can’t get no respect.” No matter what the story or circumstance
about his wife, he repeated that line over and over. Why did the joke last so
long? All good humor is based in the truth. Every husband laughed again
and again, because he identified with the feeling being expressed. “I can’t
get no respect.”
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 5.
The Husband and Wife are joint heirs to life.
And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman,
and brought her unto the man.
-- Genesis 2: 22
To have children, it requires a man and woman joining together to procreate.
A man can not do it alone nor can a woman do it alone. They jointly form
the product of each new child. Woman was not made from the dust of the
earth like man; therefore, she should not be treated as dirt. Woman did not
fly down from heaven; therefore, she should not be over anyone’s head. She
was taken from her husband’s side; therefore, her rightful place is at his side.
The woman’s need for security can only be met fully by her husband. The
husband’s need for respect can only be met fully by his wife. When both needs
are being met, the marriage is like the wedding ring. It is made of precious
metal and valuable gems; it goes round and round, with no beginning and
no end. Life is good and wonderful.
When one of the needs (either security or respect) is not being met, the
ring is broken. There is now a clear beginning and end to the ring. The
ring has become a piece of twisted metal. The passion of love becomes
the passion of anger and hate. It leads to treachery. The remaining
metal of the ring becomes a bad memory and is pawned for a fraction
of its cost. However, the treachery and hate can last long after the
divorce. When both needs are met, the home is a pleasant place for all.
Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like
olive plants round about thy table.
-- Psalms 128: 3
To be a joint heir means to share in the same heritage and inheritance. Husbands
and wives come from different houses, but when they are joined together, they
are part of the same house with the same Heavenly Father. When the woman
was taken out of the man (the rib), it indicated that they were together when
man was first created. Marriage is reuniting the man and woman together as
they were in the beginning. This is marriage based on spiritual understandings.
There is a fundamental difference between a secular and spiritual marriage.
A secular marriage is a shared proposition. It’s a mutually agreeable
contract. Sometimes, these marriages stay together simply because they
don’t have any other choice. The spiritual point of view for marriage is one
that embraces the author of marriage. It is one where both the husband and
the wife are under the authority of God. But the bottom line is this: a spiritual
marriage is where the husband and wife know they were destined for each
other. They also share in the same problems and joys of life. They make their
“choice” for each other believing it is God’s will.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 6.
Man needs a Wife.
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will
make him an help meet for him.
– Genesis 2: 18
It has clearly been proven that men live longer and are healthier as a result
of marriage. Companionship is a key component to marriage. To have the
same companion from youth to old age is true friendship and love. The
word “helper” is really “help meet.” A “help meet” is much more than a mere
helper. “Help meet” means companion; it means she is there until the job is
finished. Help meet also has a strong spiritual tone.
A wife helps the man to meet the Lord. A wife will either multiply your ministry
in the Lord, or take you right out of it. Don’t even think about going into the
ministry full time if your wife is not right there with you serving the Lord.
There is not a spiritual man alive today, when he is about to be marooned on
a deserted island for many years, and must make a choice between having
his Bible or his wife with him... he’ll trust his memory for the Scripture, but he
wants his wife with him. He needs his wife with him.
10: Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
11: The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no
need of spoil
.
12: She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
-- Proverbs 31
Most men are not experts about jewelry. They really don’t know the
difference between a real diamond and a fake one. Most of them
see a colored stone in a ring and think it is pretty, but have no idea
what it really is or what it is worth. All they really know is that the
ones they like cost a lot more money than they wanted to spend.
Consider this for moment, how frequently do you see real rubies, diamonds,
emeralds or pearls. The Bible says that an excellent wife is more rare than
jewels. Husbands may not be experts about precious gems, but they can
discern a wife more rare than jewels. He knows what trusting in her means
and how he will be safe with her the rest of his life. He knows that her great
value is not about gain or investment. He knows that she is priceless and can
never be replaced.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 7
A Wife is God’s grace to the Husband.
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the
LORD.
-- Proverbs 18: 22
The favor mentioned here is unmerited favor or grace from God. That means
that men don’t deserve all the good they receive from their wives. This is
simply a truth that wise men come to learn. Even more so, when a wife
truly understands that she was presented by the Lord for her husband, she
develops wisdom.
House and riches are the inheritance of fathers and a prudent wife is from
the LORD.
-- Proverbs 19: 14
The most important and vital things of life come from the Lord. When a man
finally becomes smart enough to actually stop and smell the roses, he will
do so after getting a dozen of them for his wife. The more times he stops to
smell the roses, the smarter he will get.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 8.
The Wife is the most powerful influence over her Husband.
And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave
me of the tree, and I did eat.
-- Genesis 3: 12
Adam was more persuaded to seek the pleasure of his wife than to seek the
pleasure of God. A Godly man must learn quickly how powerful his wife is
over him with her charms and tears. A Godly wife must learn quickly not to
misuse and harm her husband in trying to get what she wants.
Allow me to share a word picture that illustrates this point. A
husband is like the captain of a sailing ship. He directs his resources
and uses skill to raise and lower his sails, he sets a course for
distant ports, and he determines what cargo he will carry or trade.
But his wife is the wind in his sails. Carry this picture out a little further. His
wife can be unsupportive and very still. No matter how many sails he unfurls,
nor how great his mast might be, no wind means he just sits and floats. If
his wife is stormy and objectionable, the ship is in a storm with sails torn
and masts broken. Many ships are lost at sea because of the hurricane that
rose up. But a steady ship in a steady breeze can sail on a great adventure.
Simply said, a husband is the captain of his ship, but his wife is the wind in his
sails. It doesn’t take much of a breeze for the ship to move. I can assure you
that if a wife just blows in her husband’s ear, his sails will catch that breeze.
Some wives think that the best way to “help” the captain is by grabbing the
ships wheel and setting the course they want. This is really mutiny and results
in the ship going in circles. In the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” the
mother counsels her daughter on how to “help” the father make a decision.
“The father is the head, but the wife is the neck,” says the mother. My counsel
is in line with my word picture.
If the wife really wants to have the ship sail a particular way, then give him
a favorable breeze in that direction. He’ll sail that way and will look for
breezes that ultimately lead him to his destination, too. The greatest joy that
a captain can feel is to be one with the wind, every sail filled, the rudder is set
amidships, and hear the words, “Aye, Aye, Captain. Steady as she goes!”
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed
is as rottenness in his bones.
-- Proverbs 12:4
The greatest harm that can be done to any man is done by his wife. Men can
insult men over and over; it just makes them mad and they get “tougher.”
When a wife shames her husband, she skewers his heart and vital organs.
The barbeque is not pretty.
Most wives are not trying to shame or embarrass their husbands. They are
trying to motivate and stimulate their husbands, who seem unresponsive to
them. The mistake of embarrassment is really unintentional; it just happens.
It happens because wives have twisted a major Biblical instruction. Wives
(mothers) are to teach their children and serve their husbands. Too often,
wives serve their children and attempt to teach their husbands.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 9.
Marriage is a sexually intimate and passionate relationship.
And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
-- Genesis 2: 25
Before we address this Biblical truth about marriage, some spouses avoid
this topic altogether and do not discuss intimacy and passion with anyone
(including their spouses). With all due respect to everyone’s privacy, please
skip to the next section if this topic offends you. Please continue reading to
understand what the Bible has to say about passion, which is different from
lust.
Many years ago, I heard an experienced husband and pastor teach young
married men the proper definition of marital love and sex. He said it in two short
sentences. “Until the day comes that you are totally ravished with your wife,
you have not fallen in love with her. Until the day comes that you can not even
imagine how another woman could satisfy you like your wife does, you have
not yet obeyed the commandment to love your wife like the Lord loves us all.”
18: Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
19: Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee
at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
-- Proverbs 5: 18-19
There is a world of difference between lust and passion. Lust is sin and a
loss of self-control; passion is a fire that forms the very metal of marriage.
Most wives, after 30 days of marriage, are convinced that they married an
over sexed man. It’s primarily the frequency thing. Wives spontaneously
think about sex once every 20 days; while men frequently think about sex
during a day. Men are hard-wired to often believe that having sex with their
wife will help any headache. Many a man thinks that a great way for his wife
to rest and relax after a long hard day with the kids is to have sex with him.
Some men truly think they will become smarter in business by having more
frequent sex with their wives.
They base this on the feeling of being more alert, alive and vigorous
afterwards. Men are highly visual and imaginative creatures when it comes
to sex. They perceive a direct link in their sexual energy with the very energy
of life.
Wives like to have sex in marriage also, but not like a man. Wives view marital
sex like fine wine. You don’t drink fine wine at every meal. Wine needs a
particular glass. The temperature needs to be correct. There is a special way to
open the wine and test it. What wives really want in marital sex is romance and
passion. That is why romantic scenes have candles, flowers and a glass of wine.
Now, here is the shocker! The Bible has its own dramatic way of illustrating
marital romance and passion. First the man leads and the wife responds.
6: How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!
7: This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.
8: I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also
thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;
9: And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that
goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.
10: I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.
-- Song of Solomon 7: 6-10
A Biblical marriage is a sexually intimate and passionate relationship.
The satisfaction, fulfillment, joy and pleasure are part of God’s plan for
the marriage. You don’t have to be an expert at the very beginning of the
marriage. Many believe that the very learning experience of sexual intimacy
is part of the lifetime of joy in marriage. I agree. Marital sexuality is a lifechanging-
experience and part of the changing-of-life-experience.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE of MARRIAGE # 10.
Marriage is the mystery of the Messiah’s relationship with us.
This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
-- Ephesians 5: 32
There have been a world full of poets and philosophers explaining love and
marriage to us. But this mystery described in the Bible far surpasses them
all. If you will ask any married person why they put up with their spouses’
mistakes and quirks, they will give the same answer regardless of gender.
“Because, I love him (her).” It is because love covers a multitude of sins. This
is the same simple answer for why God continues to deal with us. He loves
us, and His love covers the multitude of our sins.
Lessons from our Biblical fathers and mothers…
What Abraham and Sarah Teach Us about Marriage
There is one incident in the marriage of Abraham and Sarah
(then called Abram and Sarai) that the Bible mysteriously inserts.
It concerns a trip to Egypt and an encounter with Pharaoh.
11: And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into Egypt, that
he said unto Sarai his wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to
look upon:
12: Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that
they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee
alive
13: Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well
with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee.
14: And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians
beheld the woman that she was very fair.
15: The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her
before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house.
16: And he entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen,
and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and
camels.
17: And the LORD plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues
because of Sarai Abram’s wife.
18: And Pharaoh called Abram, and said, What is this that thou hast done
unto me? why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife?
19: Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife:
now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way.
20: And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him
away, and his wife, and all that he had.
-- Genesis 12
So, what is this story doing in the Bible? What is the purpose of this story?
Let me answer in clear and unmistakable terms. It is a lesson for husbands.
Never, under any circumstances [I don’t care if you think you are in mortal
danger],
never treat your wife like she is your sister!
She Is NOT Your Sister. SHE IS YOUR WIFE !
Do not kiss your wife like she is your sister. Do not do anything with your wife
like she is your sister (even spiritually). Treat your sister nice; but, treat your
wife like she is your wife! You are asking for trouble like you never imagined
if you offend this principle. There is also a corollary to this principle: Do not
treat one of your spiritual sisters like she is your wife. That is another set of
problems you don’t want.
Lessons from our Biblical fathers and mothers…
What Isaac and Rebekah Teach Us about Marriage
To demonstrate how powerful our fathers and mothers are in teaching us
behaviors as husbands and wives, Isaac made this exact mistake with
Rebekah when they visited king Abimelek.
7: And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my
sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place
should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon.
8: And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech
king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac
was sporting with Rebekah his wife.
9: And Abimelech called Isaac, and said, Behold, of a surety she is thy wife:
and how saidst thou, She is my sister? And Isaac said unto him, Because I
said, Lest I die for her.
-- Genesis 26
You don’t have to worry about Pharaoh or Abimelek giving
you trouble. It is your wife who will have a problem with you.
Before we leave this Scripture let’s make sure that we have a clear
understanding about something. Isaac was more than “caressing” his
wife. You can caress your sister, but “caressing” here is considerably
more. The King James Version Bible uses the word “sporting.”
Isaac wasn’t playing tennis either. The actual Hebrew word means
a combination of things: laughter, playing, entertaining with desire.
Actually, Isaac and Rebekah teach us something very powerful about
marriage in how they first met and married. If you will recall, Eliezer, the
servant of Abraham was dispatched to get Isaac a wife from the region
where Abraham himself came.
Eliezer found Rebekah with her brother Laban on that trip and
brought Rebekah back. Then the Scripture says one of the most
profound things that can be found on the subject of marriage.
Just as Eliezer and Rebekah returned, Rebekah put on a veil to meet Isaac
(she was not wearing a veil earlier). The Scripture continues.
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and
she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his
mother’s death. -- Genesis 24: 67
Wait a minute. Look at the sequence again. He took her, he married her, he
loved her, and he was comforted by her. That’s backwards! Don’t we first
meet someone, feel comfortable with them, even friendly? Then we fall in
love, get married, and the last thing we do is take her.
But the Scripture says Isaac did the opposite. What is this all about? And
why did the Scripture state that Rebekah put on a veil just before this? What
does the veil have to do with marriage?
The Scripture has actually shown us how men approach marriage and how
women approach marriage, and how they are different.
Ladies, this is a truth. Let my words serve as confirmation. Men approach
marriage from the idea of sex and physical attraction first. Men go
through the courtship, the ceremony, and the tuxedo, so they can have
sex with the woman. About six months after they get married, they
wake up one morning, see their wife laying there and it hits them. “What
have I done!?! I’m married!!??!” That’s when they actually get married.
Then... they make up their minds to truly love their wives some time
after that. It could be several years before they really “get it” on that
concept. Then, they understand that their wife is better than their mother.
Wives on the other hand see marriage the other way. First, they are
comforted, they fall in love, they put on a veil for marriage, get married,
and then have sex last. Modesty and discretion are the hallmarks of
her relationship. The veil is the symbol of her modesty at the wedding.
As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without
discretion.
-- Proverbs 11: 22
Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD,
she shall be praised.
-- Proverbs 31: 30
Let me illustrate how succinctly this process works in the mind of a man and
differently in a woman. The subject is “fantasy.” When a man fantasizes about
a woman, it is about sex and how he takes her. When a woman fantasizes
about a man, it is about how safe she feels with him, how he holds her and
makes her feel comfortable. It’s about being friends and maybe him telling
her how he loves her by presenting her with some flowers. Men and women
think differently on this subject.
This brings me to one of the most important things about marriage that
men and women need to know and understand. Gentlemen! Women do
the opposite of what you think should be done many times. A man will
count to 10 beginning with 1 and sequentially progress to 10. A woman
will get to 10 but will do it a different way, sometimes different every
time. For example, a woman will count to ten as follows: 3, 7, 5, 1, 2, 8,
9, 6, 4, and 10. Men get very confused with this process. It, however,
makes perfect sense to a woman (and other women will agree with her).
I want to offer some real caution here to all husbands. Don’t make a big deal
out of the different way women count to 10. Remember we men are the ones
who put sex in front of everything, right? And, we want it that way, right? We
would be wise to just leave things the way they are. Actually, it really does
work out for the best. Remember, how Isaac met Rebekah? He took her, he
married her, he loved her, and he was comforted? Let the husband pursue
the process from the take side and let the wife pursue it from the comfort
side. As a result, they will both end up with the two middle ingredients
together – love and marriage.
Lessons from our Biblical fathers and mothers…
What Jacob and his Wives Teach Us about Marriage
The closest example you are going to find in the Bible of a man with multiple wives
is Jacob and his wives Leah and Rachel. One thing can be concluded from the
entire experience: if you want conflict in your life, then have multiple spouses.
If you want any chance of peace in your house, then stick with one spouse.
But there is something else that Jacob had in his marriage that comes
out in Scripture in a unique way. Have you ever considered how Jacob
fulfilled his duties as husband of multiple wives? In particular, did they
live in one big happy tent, or was there a designated place where intimacy
was done? This question is worthy of an answer because it has one
of the most important points concerning a happy home and marriage.
The fact is that each wife had her own tent. Jacob would go into which ever
tent he chose or was told to go to, but something else would go with him.
Jacob had a couch. Actually, it was really his bed. It was where he performed
his husbandly duties with his wife.
One of the most important lessons for a happy home that a husband can
learn is that the house (the tent) belongs to the wife. Let her decorate it
how she wants. Let her decide where the furniture goes. It is her nest.
Let her get as comfortable as she wants there. It is part of her security.
Don’t mess with the interior of the house; it’s hers. But there is one
thing in the house that is yours. It is your bed. (It’s Jacob’s couch.)
Ladies, this is a profound Biblical truth. When you get into your husband’s
bed, you are in your marriage bed. He is not sleeping with his sister. You
are his wife. Therefore, you should not be surprised that your husband’s
desire is for you. He, as your husband, is obeying the Lord directing all of his
desire to you. Do not disrespect him nor discourage him in obeying the Lord.
The Bible is very clear using the word translated as “couch.” The Hebrew
word for couch when broken down to its individual letters means: where the
eye and hand are joined together in desire. This was the reason that Jacob
was so angry with his son, Reuben, when he went in and had sex with Leah’s
handmaid, Zilpah, the mother of Gad and Asher. Jacob expressed his anger
at Reuben’s blessing.
3: Reuben, thou art my firstborn, my might, and the beginning of my
strength, the excellency of dignity, and the excellency of power: 4:
Unstable as water, thou shalt not excel; because thou wentest up to thy
father’s bed; then defiledst thou it: he went up to my couch. -- Genesis 49
The couch (the marriage bed) of the husband is to be shared by the
wife, and this is what is expressed again in the Song of Solomon.
Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green.
-- Canticles 1: 16
If a husband can learn to provide a home for his wife in which she feels
secure and the wife can enter her husband’s bed respecting him, then they
will enjoy the full benefits of a loving marriage. They will produce children
that are a joy and have a happy home.
Lessons from our Biblical fathers and mothers…
What Our Heavenly Father Teaches Us about Marriage
The Bible has much to say about marriage and our parents are responsible
for most of our teaching to be good husbands and wives. However, there is
one last lesson about marriage that is taught by our Heavenly Father. It is the
most profound of them all.
The best thing we can do to improve our marriages or to better prepare for
marriage is to develop the ability to understand our spouse. We need to
dwell with understanding.
Say unto wisdom, Thou art my sister; and call understanding thy kinswoman
-- Proverbs 7: 4
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the
holy is understanding.
-- Proverbs 9: 10
Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is
established
-- Proverbs 24:3
Being wise and knowledgeable are good things but developing the ability to
understand, especially to understand your spouse, is consistent with being
intimate, knowing God, and having a well established house called a home.