RELATIONSHIPS

Ten ways to Marry the Wrong Person By Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
With the divorce rate over 50%, too many are apparently making
a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life
with. To avoid becoming a “statistic,” try to internalize 10 insights.
1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change af ter
you’re married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential.
The golden rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way he or she is
now, don’t get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, “You actually can
expect people to change after their married...for the worst!” So when it comes
to the other person’s spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication
skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on
character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the
“I’m in love” syndrome. “I’m in love often means, “I’m in lust.” Attraction is
there, but have you carefully checked out this person’s character? Here are
four characteristics to definitely check for:
HUMILITY:
Does this person believe that “doing the right thing” is more important than
personal comfort?
KINDNESS:
Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he
treat people s/he doesn’t have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work?
Give to charity?
RESPONSIBILITY:
Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he’s going to do?
HAPPINESS:
Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally
stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have
a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn’t understand what a
women needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is
the man who just doesn’t get it. Jewish tradition places the onus on the man
to understand the emotional needs of the woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved.-to feel that she is the most
important person in her husband’s life. The husband needs to give her
consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent is Judaism’s approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah
obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy
is always on the woman’s terms. Men are goal oriented especially when it
comes to this area.
As a wise woman once pointed out, “Men have two speeds: on and
off.” Women are experience oriented.When a man is able to switch
gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what
makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs
and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things will happen.
4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goal
and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person: a) Chemistry
and compatibility b) share common interests c) share common life goal. Make
sure you share a deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide.
After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart.
To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you’re living for while you
are single-and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as
you. This is the true definition of a soul mate. A soul mate is a goal mate....two
people who ultimately share the same understanding of life’s purpose and
therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly.
Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem
because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual
involvement tends to cloud one’s mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to
make good decisions. It is not necessary to “test drive” in order to find out
if a couple are sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make
sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don’t have
to worry about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies on divorce, sexual
incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have deep emotional
connection.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not,
ask: “Do I respect and admire this person?” This does not mean, “Am I
impressed by this person?” We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not
respect someone because they own a Mercedes.
You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination,
etc. Also ask: “Do I trust this person?” This also means, “Is he/she
emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you
don’t feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person?
Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person
make me feel good myself? Do you have a really close friend who does
make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel
the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way?
You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are
afraid of how the other person will view it. If you’re afraid to express your
feelings and opinions openly, there’s a problem with the relationship.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don’t feel the other person is
trying to control you.
Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out
for someone who is always trying to change you. There is a big difference
between “controlling” and “making suggestions.” A suggestion is made for
your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
8. You pick the wrong person because you don’t put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for
discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate
how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over
the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise.
You need to know now, before making a commitment:
Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both
of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also
a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can’t
be vulnerable, you can’t be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from
personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you’ll probably be unhappy and married,
too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional
problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not
happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while
you are single. You’ll feel better and your future spouse will thank you.
10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle. To
be “triangulated” means a person is emotionally dependent on someone
or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person
who hasn’t separated from his or her parents is a classic example of
triangulation.
People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet,
hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of
triangles. The person caught in a triangle cannot be fully emotionally available
to you. You’ll not be their number one priority. An that’s not basis for a marriage.
5 REASON RELATIONSHIPS & MARRIAGES FAIL
1. Unresolved issues
2. Unmet expectations
3. Underestimated differences
4. Unforgiven mistakes
5. Undeveloped Maturity
COMPATIBILITY:
CHOOSING THE RIGHT PARTNER !
Taught by Bryan E. Crute. Senior Pastor
Destiny Metropolitan Worship Church
Proverbs 3:6
“Seek God’s will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:6
(NLT)
HOW GOD GUIDES US
1. THROUGH THE BIBLE
“God’s Word is a flashlight to light the path ahead of me and keep me from
stumbling.” Psalm 119:105 (LB)
“Every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful one way or another—
showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us
to live God’s way.” 2 Timothy 3:16 (Msg)
2. THROUGH IMPRESSIONS
“I will instruct you and guide you along the best pathway for your life; I’ll
advise you and watch your progress.” Psalm 32:8 (LB)
3. THROUGH CIRCUMSTANCES
“God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God
and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28 (NLT)
4. THROUGH RESEARCH OR REASON
“It is stupid to decide before knowing the facts!” Proverbs 18:13 (LB)
5. THROUGH ADVICE FROM MATURE CHRISTIANS
“The wisdom of the righteous can save you.” Proverbs 11:9 (GN)
“Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors
there is safety.” Proverbs 11:14 (KJV)
“God is not the author of confusion.” 1 Corinthians 14:33 (NIV)
SPECIFIC GUIDANCE ON FINDING THE RIGHT MATE
1. YOU MUST HAVE SPIRITUAL COMPATIBILITY.
“Do not unite yourself with an unbeliever; they are not fit mates for you.” 2
Corinthians 6:14 (NEB)
“Can a believer share life with an unbeliever?” 2 Corinthians 6:15 (GW)
2. YOU MUST HAVE LIFE PURPOSE COMPATIBILITY.
“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” Amos 3:
3 (NLT)
“God has made us what we are. In Christ Jesus, God made us to do good
works, which God planned in advance for us to live our lives doing.”
Ephesians 2:10 (NCV)
3. IT HELPS TO HAVE PERSONAL COMPATIBILITY.
“Some of you want to light your own fires and make your own light. So, go,
walk and trust your own light to guide you. But this is what you’ll receive... a
place of pain.” Isaiah 50:11 (NCV)
“I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a
good future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NCV)
IF YOU WANT TO FIND THE RIGHT MARRIAGE PARTNER:
1. Cultivate a personal relationship with Jesus Christ yourself.
2. Make a commitment to God’s standard in a partner.
3. Don’t date until your own emotional hurts are healed!
4. Discover & clarify your Life Mission first!
5. Get involved in a church family with godly singles.
6. Go slow. Find out all you can about a person & their family!
7. Get premarital counseling.